oh hai!

i stepped out of my room, sling bag intact. went down two sets of stairs, it takes two sets for me to achieve arrival at supposedly ground level, it takes one set for me to achieve arrival at the tv-ed lounge, it takes no sets for me to achieve being exactly where i am if i don't want to achieve arrival anywhere else other than my room. normally it would take me about 15 minutes to get ready sans shit. shit takes 15 minutes if i focus, if i'm not or if the type of shit i was supposed to take required a lot of time it might be stretched to 30 minutes. there are a few more rarely extensive and barely rocketscientic (not even primaryschoolic really) calculations i would like to share here but sometimes for fun i would also calculate, estimate, and imaginate the attention span level of my imaginary readers and then imaginatively dance around the borderline of its limit before bringing them back to being attentive after straining their levels of restraint.

i realize now that by writing that last sentence in the paragraph above this i have actually managed to actually actualize the last sentence in the paragraph above this. this is the opposite of paradox, i have achieved doxpara!

anyway back to my diary-like story, as i stepped out of the house i went into the car and drove into the joint i was supposed to arrive at. as i reached there, everyone was in having a good time.

my friend approached me with a choice of two of my favourite things - beer and cocaine. he said choose one. i said why not both. he said yeah well i'm just doing my job. i said well i'll beat the system, i'll choose one, and after that you can do your job again so i can choose the other one too... 'can you do your job twice?'... my friend said 'i am not your friend anymore'. so i just grabbed the beer and cocaine from him and quipped 'i am anymore!'.

after that, i took magic mushrooms, sniffed glue, smoked marijuana, and started to fly around naked in the club.

after flying for quite some time i landed on a pirate's shoulder. we have set sail! on course to take over the seventeen seas of planet cabanis!

this is when i realized that even though this pirate hadn't shaved for years and years he has miraculously managed to maintain just a 5 o'clock shadow, wow, i might be his parrot but at this moment in time i am as curious as any cat out there so i asked, well i tried to ask. now this is tricky, as a parrot i can only 'parrot' what people say, so the only way to get me to ask is to get him to ask and how do i achieve that? this troubled me so i decided to take beer, cocaine, magic mushrooms, glue, and marijuana all at the same time. i have created this whole new set of substance aptly named BCMGM!

maybe i should write a song about it, lucy used to be in the sky with diamonds, so maybe ben could be conjuring magic in glasgow man! ben IS the glasgow man! he is conjuring magic! say it wimme nowwwwwwwwwwwww!

this charming man

best gila bila balik rumah memalam ada dua pak guard nih diaorang semangat gila tabik siap tunduk ke bawah nak tabik as if diaorang tengah berdiri and nak aku yang kat dalam kereta nampak muka derang padahal derang tengah duduk kot but i appreciate the gesture. kadang kadang kalau ada tiga pak guard pak guard ketiga tuh pun akan tabik and senyum padahal dia kat belah kanan aku so aku akan angkat tangan ke kiri and ke kanan sambil senyum jugak. rasa best, rasa macam diri engkau sangat cute and cuteness itu dihargai. tapi bila pak guard cam layan tak layan angkat tangan tak senyum rasa tak best lak, tapi takdelah setak best bila kau find out dia senyum lebeh-lebeh kat kereta belakang ke. wow, rasa cam betrayed pun ada. nak kata keta belakang tuh awek muantaf ke tak ah pulak, pakcik neighbour dua rumah sebelah aku je kot. maybe pakcik tuh friendly, aku tak cukup friendly. aku tak geti nak friendly, maybe i should put on more makeup, hurm, i should highlight my sebelah-je dimples. haih, susah nak attract attention lelaki-lelaki yang nampak cam melayu tapi bukan melayu nih wahukhukgea.

arituh aku dalam lift dengan seorang gadis yang menawan lagi cute and hot, kiterang kat area belakang sikit lift, saing dengan kitorang ada dua orang tua. kat depan kitorang ada cam couple nak pergi gym, mamat tuh cam ada misai tebal. sampai kat level 1 orang-orang tua tuh hesitate nak keluar and by the time diaorang nak keluar pintu dah nak tutup, sorang lepas, sorang lagi tak lepas sekali pintu tuh terberhenti and there was just enough space untuk dia keluar, and dia dapat keluar. aku tengok bawah, mamat misai tuh tengah dengan penuh macho dan relax muka takde expression atau effort tahan lift tuh guna kaki. lek gila kot muka effortless sambil mengunyah buah and tangan pegang plastik buah dengan sungguh FTW (aku tak pasti part kunyah buah nih memang betul jadi ke aku imagine, and kalau aku imagine agak bongong kot tak leh ke imagine tengah isap curut ke haha). tapi tuh ah, padahal mamat nih kecik je kot. dezaym, badass, time tuh jugak sebab dia ada misai aku terbayang CHARLES BRONSON. aku tergelak, macho gila kot, wow.

arituh lagi pun bila kiterang masuk lift ada bebudak nih, sorang kat depan button lift, yang lain cam lelepak santai kat area-area belakang. budak kat depan lift nih aku assume dah tekan semua butang sebab dia cam nak try justify kat kengkawan dia pasal something yang seems like ada kena mengena dengan dia dah tekan butang semua floor kat lift tuh. tapi mamat yang kat belakang tuh especially yang aku assume kat belah belakang kiri aku yang aku jugak assume agak alpha male dari segi hak bersuara nonchalantly tak kesah pun pasal alasan mamat dekat tempat butang tuh lepas tuh dia kutuk dengan suara separa gelak dia kelakar gila kot "ha kau memang kampung, kelantan macam nih ah jakun ... tengok tuh, budak kelantan camnih ah, biasa ah tuh, jap gi marah bakar kusi! (wahuhukgea gelak kawan-kawan mereka)" wahuuhkgea aku cuba tahan gelak yang wahukgea dalam hati tapi in the end terlimpah keluar gak bagaikan cendol yang diikat tepi dan cuba diminumi dalam kereta, kalau kau fan bola kau faham kot reference bakar kusi tuh, afterall bebudak nih nak gi futsal kot, so agak tak misplaced lah diaorang refer kat something bolaistik since diaorang dah tentu bolaers. agak state-ist (or racist kalau kau rasa kelantan tuh merupakan suatu race on its own) statement mamat alpha male dari segi hak bersuara tuh tapi kelakar gilak kot so wahukgehakhukgea. haha marah kena kutuk kampung sebab tekan semua butang kat lift bakar kusi wahukhukkgea kelakar kot? tak kelakar? tak kelakar pergi layan buraka som sistema.

on that sunday 2009

di sebuah airport yang besar and bertingkat-tingkat.

bro cashier: satu ringgit
penyelamat dunia: huuh...

*awkward non-actiony silence*

bro cashier: one ringgit!
penyelamat dunia: oh, *kasi satu ringgit dengan muka malu*

sorry bro cashier! saya bukanlah bukan warganegara malaysia! saya tahu cakap melayu and saya warganegara malaysia! cuma, itu ah, saya juga merupakan warganegara blur! saya ingatkan awak cakap satu botol je ke??!

padang kota

'tapi i nak baca je'
'mana boleh, ini paper bukan untuk baca punya, untuk beli saja'

'asal pulak'
'memang macam itu lah boss'

'kedai sana okay je i baca takyah beli'
'itu kedai sana ini kedai sini lain punya, kena beli juga'

'i tak nak beli, masa i amik paper nih tadi niat i nak baca je, and letak balik'
'tolonglah boss kalau awak tak beli saya banyak susah punya, nanti taukey marah'

'itu masalah you bukan masalah i, apa i pedulik, biasa kat mamak i selalu je baca paper tak payah nak beli'
'tapi sini suratkhabar memang kena beli punya, kalau amik tuh masuk bil punya, kena bayar juga'

'ah, i pedulik apa'
'beli, kena beli juga'

'you nak gaduh ke? you tau i customer kan?'
'ye saya tau lah, tapi ini kena bayar punya, boleh lah boss berapa saja'

'you jangan nak paksa paksa i, you tau tak i anak siapa?'
'manalah saya tahu tapi saya tahu ini suratkhabar kena bayar punya, macamana saya tau? itu taukey cakap laaah, taukey besar punya datang malam-malam bawak 5-series banyak garang, tolonglah boss nanti saya juga yang banyak susah'

'you dengar tak apa i cakap, you tahu tak i anak siapa huh?!'
'mana saya tahu'

(dalam hati aku cam kalau aku mamak nih aku jawap "manalah saya tahu saya takde awak punya facebook")

(dalam hati aku jugak cam, okay ah conversation ini agak menarik and boleh dikatakan arguably adorable lah for a little while, tapi lama-lama cam menyampah and bosan jugak, and aku rasa dua-dua tak nak berganjak so that dua-dua can move on with their probably less-eventful lives since their lives are well, probably less-eventful, so aku kena lah interrupt their needlessly-pointless exchange dengan sentuhan yang productivity-inclined aku kat sini since dah lama aku tunggu nak bayar kat kaunter nih)

(dalam hati aku ada jugak fikir cam boleh je aku amik suratkhabar tuh and menggunakannya sebagai sebentuk weapon pelempang kedua-dua muka selenga suspiciously tak gosok gigi diaorang nih, tak pun leh je aku capai segenggam gula-gula dalam balang tuh pastuh baling kat derang pastuh lompat-lompat cam kanak-kanak terlebih minum ribena sambil buat bunyik awkward cam binatang padahal takde binatang bunyik camtuh pastuh kentut and chow, tapi aku classy)

so aku pun mencelah...

'lek lek, aney kasi itu paper, saya mau beli saya lupa saya belum ada arinih punya the star'... lek je aku cakap dengan nada separa cool separa perli tetapi muka totally cool.

time nih lah aku terbayang ada 5 cheerleader kat tepi kaunter tuh tengah cheer macam gimme a C! gimme an O! gimme another O! gimme an L! penyelamatt duniaaaaa isssssssssss.... COOL!

time tuh mamak jaga kaunter passing paper and aku kepit kat ketiak kanan, aku passing duit and bayar bil aku sekali (still dengan muka cool). aku glance sikit kat mamat yang dok gaduh dengan dia tadi dia boleh senyum kat aku dengan senyuman yang acknowledge macam aku did him a favour pulak, as if dia tak dapat detect yang muka aku ada traces sebentuk muka yang rasa dia tuh bongok and poyo.

apa lanchau.

haih, some people memang tak leh baca nada sindiran atau perlian atau bosan.

some people memang tak sedar yang sometimes kau buat bende camtuh bukan sebab memang kau nak buat tapi semata-mata untuk tunjuk derang betapa perkara kecik camnih tak perlu dibesar-besarkan and boleh disetelkan dengan mudah.

tapi aku rasa mamat nih bukan macam some people, dia lagi teruk.

mamat nih tak sedar yang kat ketiak kiri aku dari tadi tengah kepit arinih nye the star.

*mana-mana ayat yang tidak ditanda dengan '*' adalah cerita rekaan semata-mata.

road to wembley

my blog gets a lot of traffic from people searching for the road to wembley theme song.

you know, THAT theme song back in the days on tv2, guys know it.

it is probably the best ever musical composition on earth.

aliens have traveled the galaxy over to study it's rhythm. in fact humans from other planets have traveled the galaxy over to indulge in its splendor. in fucking fact planets from other humans and humans from other galaxies have traveled the alien over to savor if only just a tinge of its blooming glory.

i don't think anyone has found a copy of this automatic ring tone material yet. i think everyone fortunate enough to have laid ears on its interstellar sonic beauty will be desperately searching for it.

the holy grail of football tv programming theme music.

but i don't think i give a fuck anymore.

45 rpm issue

aku tengah drive nih nak balik rumah, leher botol everywhere. suasana quiet merembes uols, tapi semalam lagi romantik sepanjang hari hujan manja.

aku tengah sing along bende keluar kat speaker keta nih, cam...

heavenly wine and rowwwzusss seem to whisperrr to herrr

*TETIBA BMW NIH MELINTANG MASUK DEPAN AKU CAM BABI*

when he smileeeeee YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE ssssss heavenlyyy wine and rowwzusss seem to whisperr to her when he smilessssssss llallalaallalallalala
- sweet jane

haih, tuh lah dia, tengahari tadi aku tengok 2012, best jugak, apocalypse porn. zaman sekarang nih memang terbaek untuk buat movie movie camnih dengan cg yang gempak gila.

masa aku keluar dari wayang tengah hujan kat ruang between the curve and formerly known as cineleisure. time nih ah aku jalan ke arah the curve and rasa cam macho je cam dalam movie sambil tengok tepi. tiba-tiba ninja datang dari 5 penjuru melompat dari atap tapi aku lek je.

you know, and that villains always blink they eyes
-sweet jane

aku calculate bila ke lima lima ninja nih akan blink serentak. masa tuh lah tiba-tiba aku hilang. and diaorang semua terhantuk sesama sendiri. wahukhukgea. pastuh terhoyong hayang terpisah ke arah 5 penjuru bertentangan, sambil brader brader yang tengah lepak minum air coke beli kat mcd dekat tangga tuh gelakkan derang. harap dressing je canggun hitam legam tutup muka semua wahukukga tapi slapstick jugak akhirnya wahukga bongok.

you know but it's much too strong to let it go now
-me and mrs. jones

kemana aku hilang? takde kemana pun, aku just put on this invisible cloak. dia ada camera keliling and amik gambar keliling and project kat belah sana masing-masing. and then aku gerak lah ketepi sikit.

you know if the words sound slightly wrong, that's the way they wrote the song
-bim bom

kadang-kadang aku tengah drive nih aku akan picture kereta aku terbang. syok jugak, up until aku sedar yang memang tengah terbang, sebab naik flyover tinggi gila yang sampai usj tuh. tapi flyover tuh cam tah pape, kekadang aku gi usj pukul 11 malam pun jam kat akhir-akhir, cam apa masalah yang dapat disolve pun dengan buat flyover yang lagi tinggi daripada rumah member aku yang tinggi gila sampai kena guna lift. padahal aku manalah ada member yang kaya gila sampai rumah ada elevator.

o-o o-o o-oh we're gonna o-o o-o o-oh we're gonna o-o o-o o-oh we're gonna
-crazy in love

apa barang elevator, rumah gua ada travelator lek je. takyah beli treadmill.

mana dapat? cilok dari klia, aku calculate bila time yang takde flight langsung and orang tak banyak. time tuh lah aku selang. angkut guna apa? haih guna apa lagi, guna jalan syurga tak terbatas lah, kau apa tau?

quiet nights of quiet stars, quiet chords from my guitar
floating in the silence that surrounds us
quiet thoughts and quiet dreams, quiet walks by quiet streams, and a window
looking on the mountains and the sea
how lovely! this is where i want to be
here, with you so close to me, until the final flicker of life's ember
i who was lost and lonely, believing life was only
a bitter tragic joke, have found with you
the meaning of existence oh, my love.
-corccovado

superbrie

breakfast makan apa? kepok lekor.

lunch makan apa? kepok lekor.

dinner makan apa? hoh natang goh natang menda dok tau mung nok tanye lagi wakpe, makang sushi loh

jikalau

satu scene dekat maybank.

aku tengah pakai baju warna turqoise pekat yang ada gambar besar tangan yang secara coolnya dikelilingi oleh speakers sambil buat lambang peace dengan seluar sukan colourful 3/4 ecko unlimited yang beli kat factory outlet store and dah sangat out of fashion.

ada perems cina agaknya in her early to late 20s (padahal boleh je cakap in her 20s saje nak complicatedkan keadaan) tengok t-shirt aku lain macam. dalam otak aku cam HELLO hang tengok bawah sana buatpaa cute face kat atas nih tak nampak. cis penat aku pakai cream tiap-tiap hari takde respons langsung dari masyarakat umum.

anyway ini apa yang terjadi.

KRRINGGG KRINGGGG! (terus beberapa orang ingat phone derang bunyik pasal ramai handphone guna ringtone nih. aku assume je bende nih jadik sebab everytime bunyik camnih aku selalu ingat handphone aku yang bunyik. ha'ah pada masa lapang aku aku suka assume orang suka perasan handphone derang berbunyik cam aku)

gadis operator (go): ini encik pd ye?
pd: ye
go: saya kirsten johansson dari maybank financial services
pd: ok (dengan blur sepenuh jiwa)
go: boleh saya ambil masa encik sebentar?
pd: oh, jangan lupa pulang balik masa tuh sudah kirsten, may i call you kirsten? (actually aku cakap "ok" je)

tiba tiba ada suara latar di suasana: DUA! KOSONG! TUJUH! LAPAN!
(diucapkan oleh seorang perempuan yang boleh maintain nada sama sepanjang masa. fikir sendri pebende nih)

go: eh (aku assume at the other end of the line dia tengah tergamam), encik kat one utama ye? err maksud saya bank? (actually dia tak cakap pun one utama tuh dia tersilap cakap something else yang jauh lagi kelakar dari one utama tapi aku tak ingat)
pd: uhuh
go: err (dengan agak nervous macam aku tengah interview dia kerja) nanti saya call balik pada waktu lain ye
*tup letak telefon*

sampai hari nih dah tak call balik dah.

ada tiga kemungkinan sebab bende nih jadi:

satu, ini semua mimpi atau imaginasi aku yang ligat persis lalat tatkala ketemuan taik segar masa tengah tunggu bende kat bank setel.

dua, minah nih kawan aku yang nak buat prank call tapi terpaksa cancel lepas dengar bunyik nombor giliran dipanggil sebab dia ada pengalaman kurang manis dengan sistem nombor giliran samada di bank atau pejabat pos yang menyebabkan dirinya membina fobia terhadap sistem itu sehingga suara wanita yang direcord atas tujuan dimainkan oleh mesin nombor giliran pun boleh mengakibatkan dia peluh sejuk.

tiga, minah nih sebenarnya nak buat fraud call and bila dia budget aku dekat bank dia cuak ah. kang aku tanya bebudak bank nih betul ke apa minah nih cakap ah susah kang. baik dia letak.

...

kalau korang tak setuju dengan tiga hipotesis di atas. amik borang bantahan kat jabatan pendaftaran negara, isik, lepas tuh tampal kat muka sendiri guna double sided tape and jalan-jalan keliling town sampai puas hati. thanks.

you and me driven all around cape town

tadi kat shopping complex ada dua parti yang patut bertemu untuk makan buffet. parti aku dah sampai terlalu awal so kitorang terpaksa berlegar-legar. aku meronda sensorang lah since request aku untuk mereka bawak aku ke la senza di tolak dengan beberapa senyuman ala wtf and kaki mereka slow-slow bergerak kiri kanan ke arah yang bertentangan dari la senza yang ada diskaun beli dua dapat satu. tak baik mintak perkara-perkara sebegini kat adik-adik perems anda sendiri, mintak satu dapat kosong.

aku gi tingkat atas yang ada wayang tengok kot-kot ada tunjuk cerita inglorious basterds ke kat wayang leh layan and biarkan dua parti tuh bingung kenapa mamat yang akan makan berpinggan-pinggan seraya memperberbaloikan membuffet kat buffet hilang. tapi takde kot, sebab time tuh jugak mamat badan tough bercermin mata hitam yang berkerja untuk iklan anti piracy tuh morph dari form cutboard ke realiti and cakap 'tak dapat jack lu tunggu download sudah'. aku cam 'bukan kau keje untuk anti piracy nye ad?', pastuh dia buat muka-muka nervous mata berkelip pastuh cam tetiba clear throat and buat suara lain deep sikit sambil pandang kiri kanan cam 'uhuh yes yes! no say no to piracy! no!' pastuh malu-malu tukar balik ke form cardboard dia.

aku jalan-jalan lagi lalu-lalu part ada tempat bowling. mmm ada banyak meja pool. teringat kat betapa hustla nye aku main pool and asik menang dengan seseorang yang menawan ini huhuhuhu EEEZY. pastuh kan aku jalan balik ke arah eskalator tapi singgah kedai majalah tuh untuk beli cincau.

bukan aku nak cakap memang aku gi situ aku dah tau nak beli cincau aku just tau aku nak beli air and *ting* i choose you cincau!

and then aku bukak air tin cincau tuh dengan penuh macho guna satu tangan cam aku depa kan tangan aku and dengan commando nya bukak. tapi takde sorang pun notice :/

aku turun eskalator sambil minum cincau nih. mmm.

eskalator nih panjang gila kot sebab dia tak silap aku selang satu floor.

best.

bila aku sampai bawah aku sedar, agak layan ye minum cincau sambil turun eskalator.

aku goncang sikit tin cincau sambil tengok dalam lubang tuh.

hmm ada lagi sikit.

aku naik balik eskalator. and aku turun lagi sambil minum cincau.

layan.

later on lepas buffet aku balik rumah to be on standby so that malam tuh aku akan ada depan pc untuk update blog dengan entry yang buat orang baca rasa cam apa point mamat nih.

sempurna sempurna

do i miss living alone in my attic which i moved to from my former lair the pink cave. do i miss being manipulated into buying provisions for very normal looking alley cats who practice the fine arts of japanese self-defense and spend all afternoon macking on whitish catty femmes. maybe yes maybe no maybe between yes and no. maybe between two maybes, which would basically be just another maybe in which case this sentence just wasted your time not that it was not already wasted reading this awfully time-wasting waster of a blog.

i do recall having a certain morning infatuation with a certain mee hoon ganja. why ganja? cause it feels good to submit to its essence but at the same time i'm not exactly addicted to it. what do i know about submitting to a form of essence? i think i do, a bit, now, at least. what do i know about addiction? oh i'm pretty sure i do, now, addicted to a certain shade of color.

i quite recall being under attack this evening by a swarm of source of light-obsessed sky-bound thinsects. no, i still haven't figured out the english name for these creatures. as declared on my ever ignored twitter presence, i summoned my army of micro macrosses. ahhh macross, mmm childhood.


do i not think in random directions anymore, probably. is this a blessing, probably. probably the result of not inhibiting somewhere with purple skies, manipulative felines, and narcotically-enhanced food. probably the result of shedding more than one third of my former gravity-bound inclinator count. don't google that term i just spewed from my ever spewing jungle of exist as none and none so ever existing trees. i am beyond saving, in other words, i am beyond googling. google my knowledge and you will get a planet dedicated to habitating factories engineering clone troopers constituted from heredity strands of existening-inexistence in existence. i am clouds that appear not from risen air but from a, well, just, to, put, it, simply... appearance.

i am being chased and even though i am the hunted i do not think of myself as a victim. i hope you won't think of yourself as one too, despite all the wearying hunting. i do not even agree with that depicted as the dynamics of this. perhaps we'll take turns with the fur hat. we'll take breathers and after each time we'll come back with hearts full of collective yearn. if we can't lick the skies each day surf the cosmos each night, let's just be boring together.

most of what i've written here were conceived during the full five minutes of me walking up and down the stairs stopping halfway at the bottom to drink a glass of milk.

it definitely took more than five minutes to type-in. think about it.

there's really nothing to think about. thinking is overrated. let's do underrated things and get back to overrated at our conveniences. let's always be convenient. so we won't have to be too hollywood. it's tiring to think of a soundtrack when we could just hum together melodies that will surround our ever expanding possibility.

tunggu aku di petaling jaya

aku memang suka open house sebab usually hidangan makanan dia dalam bentuk buffet.

so aku dengan sesukanya leh amik semua kesukaan aku dalam sukatan yang aku suka. suka hati ah.

paling best kalau open house tuh selang serumah je so aku leh makan and gerak tanpa kacau tuan rumah or tunggu untuk balik serentak dengan sesapa yang datang dengan aku. tak nak lah kacau tuan rumah, dah lah aku tah sesapa dalam hidup dia dah tentu dia patut lagi busy melayan orang-orang lagi meaningful bagi dia contohnya mereka mereka yang datang dengan aku yang tak patut aku ajak balik awal sebab dah tentu nak dilayan oleh tuan rumah yang menganggap beliau-beliau meaningful.

maka boleh lah aku amik 15-20 minutes untuk makan and then tross jalan 20 langkah balik untuk melayan si dia yang menawan dan lagi meaningful bagi aku.

tadi aku amik nasi tomato sikit pastuh tiga ketul ayam merah, dua roti jala yang cicah dengan kuah ayam merah (ayam merah nih fav wa kot), satay ayam + daging dalam 10 or so keping, dua gelas sirap yang tak manis (just the way ai laik it), and beberapa kutilan kuih.

aku tak kesah nak duk mana or nak kena duduk dekat dengan sapa aku just sebat join meja kat belakang tuh. aku nampak sorang pilot nih dan rakan-rakan tanya ah 'bang ada orang?' 'eh tak sila sila' dengan muka baik ala-ala ramah tapi takde ah ramah sampai nak tanya aku keje apa (just the way ai laik it) mereka. aku tunduk and tak tengok keliling, aku terus melahap secara bedosup haaa.

pastuh aku terfikir, camana aku tahu mamat sebelah aku nih pilot? oh yeah sebab dia pakai uniform pilot.

..

waitsa minute or two!? asal lak dia nak pakai uniform pilot gi open house?

ini show off tahap sampai bawah hidung apa pride sangat dengan profession sendiri sampai gi open house kena eveready steady go pakai uniform. ke dia baru balik keje? macam tak sempat nak tukar baju. takpun dia datang sini naik jet, takpun ufo, aku tak rasa jet senang nak landing area berbukit bukau ala padi huma nih, ufo mungkin sebab ufo dia landing straight ke bawah gitu. teknologi derang light years ahead sket bro.

masa nih lah aku decide untuk just jeling sikit. ler rupanya pak guard. hehe. pak guard nih lah antara yang selalu aku senyum manja dekat. tak tahu dia cam aku tak, segan adik nak tegur, hihihihi (gelak manja ala-ala lisa surihani uols). takpe ah aku pun dengan segan seluruh badan recommence dengan pemakanan. of course mula-mula je memalu ala daun semalu lepas tuh since it's ayam merah we be talkin' bout here homeslice wa tars je. teringat masa kat utm dulu kat macam kedai kecik nih hari jumaat mesti serve nasi tomato. pastuh nih masa first year aku akan gi tingkat atas kat masjid dengan kengkawan pastuh tidur and kengkawan aku gelakkan aku pasal aku nye badan kan lebar lagi tebal gitu bila tidur mengiring kepala susah nak jejak lantai haha.

anyway. memang satu meja tuh pak guard kot. wa rasa cool kejap ah, lepak meja belakang, kat depan semua senyum senyum ramah mesra elit sambil aku lepak dengan bebudak cool yang muka lek lu sak kok lu lek je makan takde control pastuh datang lak abang sawo matang bermisai dengan daging-daging penuh satu pinggan sambil dia announce 'REINFORCEMENTS!' wa tak buih, jack. tapi diaorang nih cakap accent satu pesen, macam accent sabah campur kelantan. wa rasa cool lagi, lepak dengan brader brader yang ada accent exotic gitu. sambil wa padahal senyap je satu corner makan sambil monologue dalam kepala secara accent chicano gitu, orale carnal, huacha.

sedap je assume accent diaorang sabah campur kelantan kan.

apa lah aku tahu, aku cuma si gedik yang dilanda rindu.

pelan tapi pasti

you just can't drive through the penchala link tunnel with guitar wolf's jet generation blaring on your speakers.


this song is from a band that brought jamming studio (non)ethics into a recording studio and onto a record. every single distortion every single feedback every instance of fingers and picks arrogating the strings have seized a path into material equipments forcing a full frontal sonic assault into the captivity of recordance.

this is loudness personified, how fitting that loudness is also the name of another legendary japanese band. this is punk rock that stands out amongst other punk rock by simply outlouding the rest.

the point is, when guitar wolf is assaulting and bashing my eardrums, pounding on their respective instruments, screaming awesomely badass and badassedly awesome catchphrases like "LOCK N LOL LICENCSE!" and "JETTU GENERATION!" i can't help but hallucinate that i am speeding away from 100km/hly running zombies.

i can't help but feel the urge to just glide onto the tunnel walls ala men in black and start to half-pipingly drive upside down or leftside right or rightside left say what. ahhh good thing musically-induced narcotics are something you can constantly snap out of... cause i haven't repaired my car's gravity-defier switch yet.

a few contractors were putting up some large paintings on the walls in the staircases. i wonder why when i suggested we put large paintings of naked ladies instead my mom just laughed it off as if my wide-eyed request was understandably ridiculous. mmm, it's probably cause she understands the concepts of decency and morality.

to all 3 of my readers

sexy tak rambut cannih? aku suka makan sushi, aku letak a considerable amount of wasabi and aku layan HIKMAT MENGOSONGKAN HINGUS KALAULAH ADA HINGUS KAN YANG MELOITER DI DALAM LUBANG HIDUNG SAMBIL AIR BERATUR UNTUK MENGSLIDE KE BAWAH PIPI KAMU... TAHAP KE-8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mari kita kaji something.

sangat setia dan pemurah - betul. kan kan kan sayang.

bersifat patriotik - pernah saya berbual dengan mamat amerika yang menetap di sini saya cakap we malaysians are on america's dick, just check out our flag. mamat amerika tuh teros high five saya sebab tak pernah ada orang malaysia yang nak mengaku bende tuh kat dia. tapi sebenarnya saya nih patriotik jugak. saya sayang negara ini, walopun saya lahir di negara sheepshaggers saya malaysian through and through. saya membesar dengan nasik lemak cikgu kat kedai bawah serta karipap paroi (dan juga kfc serta vitagen what huhu).

sangat aktif dalam permainan dan pergaulan - saya suka jugak lah bermain tapi pergaulan tuh saya agak kureng sikit sebab saya pemalas.

sikap kurang sabar dan tergesa-gesa - untuk tenung mukamu.

bercita-cita tinggi - cita-cita saya underground je, dia gayat sket.

suka menjadi orang yang berpengaruh dalam organisasi - saya lagi gemar tidur sambil mimpi kena ngorat kat office tempat kerja saya baru masuk.

seronok bila didampingi - of coz uols especially by you.

suka bercampur dengan orang - tak lah jugak. tapi nak kata saya suka tolak tak jugak. tak lah jugak suka mendarabkan orang yang saya suka bercampur dengan, ataupun membahagi-bahagikan sehingga ada yang tertolak. saya amik jalan tengah tanpa berkira.

suka dipuji, diberi perhatian dan dibelai - betul, betul, dan betul (muka nakal).

sangat jujur, amanah dan bertolak ansur - yekut.

tidak pandai berpura-pura - mungkin pandai, tapi malas, too much effort.

cepat marah - kalau ikut genetik ye. tapi saya dah belajar jadi orang paling sabar kat dunia kot.

perangai yang mudah berubah-ubah - ye betul. tapi ada je benda mengenai saya yang tidak boleh diubah. gemar endorfins contohnya.

tidak ego walaupun harga dirinya sangat tinggi - betul kot.

benci pada kongkongan - entah.

suka berlawak - ye kot. binatang apa keris di kepala? ... give up? .......... ayam buat yoga. get it, get it? argkh.

pandai buat lawak dan berfikiran logik - ye kot. baru tadi saya hantar file lagu kat seseorang pastuh mungkin saya tercancel and ym cakap "You have canceled the transfer of 1 file." tapi saya cakap kat si dia "asal kau cancel" wahuegkahukga kelakar dan berasaskan logical thinking kan?

...

whatever lah. nak share music sket bleh? click untuk dengar/download.

muck - if there was something else - arguably band indie paling best kat negara nih.

media distorsi - selalu - i love naif. this is a cover version of one of their songs, probably my favourite cover of a naif song. i dare say it's better than the original, the singing is very dreamy.

white shoes and the couples company - roman ketiga - haha tetiba speaking kat atas tuh apa angau ekau mek oi cik nek cik nek. anyway lagu nih layan hari tuh masa hari raya aku selalu sumbat ipod kat telinga seblom tidur, tengah mamai-mamai hampir tertidur lagu nih terkeluar terus aku high kejap macam hippies nye high gitu uols cam baru amek cendawan magis. terbayang orang-orang ala-ala dewa hindu atas daun terbang ke sana ke mari gaya bebas lagi random kat the skies and all that wow.

siapa makan apple guna garpu?

aku.

aku sadistik towards perut aku hari nih aku makan buah je manjang, kecuali pagi tadi bila aku makan roti dengan sardin. hari nih cam hari diet uols pasal raya makan banyak gila kot. adik kene menten body adik yang menawan nih, nanti cosmic beauty tidak mahu mengejar adik lagi huhu.

cemana raya okay?

aku panas gila kot dengan indonesia. it's warrr, bitches!

sebab masa raya ketiga aku gi rumah atuk sedara ternampak surat khabar ada gambar lisa surihani bermanja-manjs dengan nicolas saputra.

GRGKHGKHGKhnkmhukhHGKHGKH.

pastuh cik ana moli yang comel dengan cik magents yang terlalu comel cakap pulak pasal maria ozawa tuh pulak.

wells itu takde kesan sangat kot pasal saya prefer destiny deville tau huhu ada ada je u nih tau hiks hiks hiks (hiccups yang comel).

when we were young

sepanjang hari nih aku kencing duduk. uhhh lega gila. teringat kejadian masa breakfast tadi.

aku tengah lepak dengan jaki, ekjos, farun and adik dia farin (semua bukan nama sebenar).

jaki: "weh kau tengok sket chiki chiki yang baru sampai tuh?"
ekjos: "apsal?"
farin: "kau cakap kat aku ke jaki?"
aku: "ha'ah jaki, aku curious gak, kau cakap kat siapa? kat salah sorang kitorang ke kat kitorang semua?"

jaki: "cipap, the royal kau ah, maksudnya korang semua"
aku: "or u ols"
farun: "boss teh tarik satu!" (muka relek je layan laptop tapi bagi order)
ejkos: "apsal dengan chiki chiki tuh?!"
aku: "eh farun, kau bagi order kat siapa? takkan kau main sebat je cakap order kau and confident je ada orang nak amek? wahukgeaukga the fuck?"
ekjos: "eh fucker focus please?!"
aku: "ok" (malu kene sound)
farun: "erm... ignore ignore ignore" (tengah layan facebook lah tuh)
aku: "weh farun, focus!"
farun: "erm what's.. on.. my.. mind? mmm.." (memang tak focus langsung)
aku: "suka hati kau ah farun, dah nama pun farun"
ekjos: "weyh..." (dengan muka kecewa ala-ala pasrah tapi tak nak pasrah sebab aku leh buat lawak pasal fokus dia)
aku: "okay, okay, jaki, recommence discussion! alert! alert! forming! forming!"

jaki: "kau pahal hyperaktif semacam arinih penyelamat dunia aku lepuk gak kang... anyway, kau perasan chiki chiki tuh semua dressing cam nak gi clubbing, nih mamak kot?"
farin: "korang rasa derang gi teraweh tak?"
jaki: "kau rasa kalau derang gi pun kita leh tau ke?"
farin: "sallak?"
farun: "sebab kita tak pergi teraweh... bodoh" (sambil mata masih tekun kat laptop muka serious tengah layan farmville, kot)
farin: "oh kau nak bahan aku tiba-tiba leh fokus?"
farun: "mana.. button.. button tag nih..." (oh tengah tag gambar rupanya)

ekjos: "maybe lepas gi mamak memang derang nak gi clubbing kot?"
aku: "kau memang suka bring up unresolved conversational elements yang hilang di bawah benda lain yang di bring up selepasnya ke ekjos?"
ekjos: "kau suka kacau aku kan?"
aku: "aku lagi suka kacau farin sebab dia jambu"
ejkos: "FOKUS!"
jaki: "apa problem kau ekjos, sekarang nih time-time sahur (what korang ingat kitorang breakfast pukul 10 pagi ke bulan puasa?), maybe baru lepas balik clubbing kot, tapi ini hari biasa kot bukannya weekend?"

farin: "aku suka yang baju hitam tuh, cam comel je"
aku: "cam ada misai je"
farin: "tak kesah ah still comel"
aku: "ye lah, aku tak cakap ada misai tuh satu disadvantage"
farin: "noted".

jaki: "kadang-kadang aku memang suka je tenung minah-minah camnih, mesti diaorang ingat aku judgemental, padahal most of the time aku just nak tahu je"

farun: "tapi memang kau judgemental kot, the last time kau nampak a pack of minahs a few days ago kau cakap diaorang nih mesti sluts, baru je tadi kau cakap pasal this new group maybe baru lepas balik clubbing. apa lanchau kau boleh assume macam tuh padahal tah-tah memang diaorang suka dressing macam tuh pun" (mata still tenung laptop)

aku: *bangun secara terkejut pastuh pandang ke general direction farun* "wait what?"
farin: "si cipap nih memang suka buat camtuh, tiba-tiba je"
aku: "tapi usually untuk bahan kau, kau ada issue dengan jaki ke weh?"

farun: "mmm.. siapa nih, nak accept ke friend request... mmm" (dekat kan sikit mata ke laptop untuk tenung dengan lebih detailed)
aku: "pundek"

jaki: "kalau aku lah kan, yang dress putih putih hijau tuh aku nak buat girlfriend, dia nampak macam sweet je"

*tiba-tiba ada brader joe datang mencelah* "weh ada api?"

*farin kasi api*

joe: "boleh abang join?"
aku: "boleh je, asal abang fokus, kalau tak fokus kang ekjos temper ... kan ekjos kan kan kan (dengan nada manja)?"
ekjos: "cibai"

joe: "korang cakap pasal apa?"
jaki: "pasal that group of chicks" *tunjuk*

joe: "oh interesting... abang kenal sangat diaorang"
ekjos: "camna?"
joe: "diaorang kerja hotel abang kerja, selalu jadi usher kat majlis"

jaki, ekjos, aku, farin: oohhhhhhhhhhhhh
farin: "patut ler dressing gitu"

joe: "tak jugak, diaorang dressing camtuh pasal baru balik clubbing..." *pastuh dia belah*

aku: "joe tuh keje apa eh kat hotel?"
farin: "maintenance kot"
aku: "so betul lah judgement kau jaki"
jaki: "huuh, kau menyesal tak lash out kat aku tadi farun?"
farin: "cipap nih mana pernah menyesal pasal apa-apa"

...

farun: "the fuck!, apa nih?! cuba korang tengok nih!" (tiba-tiba menjerit sambil tunjuk tunjuk laptop).


jaki, ekjos, aku, farin: PEMENDA?!

farun: "nih blog aku baca nih, dia tulis semua dialog kita, cam semua dialog kita tadi ada kat entry nih!" (dengan nada cemas)

farin: "kau jangan mengada cipap, so apa kita akan cakap lepas nih? mesti ada kat situ kan?"

farun: "tak, dia akan update everytime lepas kita cakap, macam ada someone kat sini tengah transkripkan semua dialog kita and masukkan secara live!"

aku: "ha'ah, aku lah orangnya yang responsible for all this"

tiba-tiba farun, farin, jaki, dan ekjos secara perlahan-lahan hilang macam fadeout.

and aku tinggal sorang-sorang, hmm, aku kena mandi, and keluar bukak puasa. peace.














joe: "weh apsal abang ada lagi sini? siapa nak fadeoutkan abang? ........................ pantek! aku balik naik teksi lagi lah nampaknya"

tengo celos

i like being ignorant cause it's true that ignorance is bliss but most of the time you can only be ignorant when you're ignorant about your own ignorance. there are times when i just must be ignorant but like i said, it's not something you can control like a computer game. and even a computer game is not really something you can control that much especially if you suck at winning eleven like me.

aku suka jadi ignorant sebab memang betul ignorance is bliss tapi most of the time aku hanya boleh ignorant bila aku ignorant pasal ignorance aku sendiri. ada masanya aku memang kena jadi ignorant tapi ye ah, bukannya bende kau leh control, bukannya cam game komputer kan. lagipun game komputer lagi ah susah control lagi lagi kalau kau sengal dalam winning eleven macam aku.

padahal winning eleven biasa orang main kat ps2 je.

haha cam apa tah dah tulis dalam english pastuh nak translate. padahal bila kau guna bahasa yang hancur cam aku bila translate ke bm berapa kerat je bm betol pon? betul?

tapi tuh ah. susah nak jadi ignorant cam okay sekarang aku nak ignore benda nih! and terus ignore. memang susah ah lagi lagi kalau kau aku.

buktinya, aku nak off comment kat entry nih sebab aku nak ignore comment-comment orang! tapi aku just.. tak... berdaya.......... so aku tak off. argkh.

(nih ada suara dalam kepala aku cakap (vocal texture dia pulak sengau sengau sket): padahal senang je kau nak ignore comment-comment sebab senang je ignore benda-benda yang tak wujud wahukhaeukghuka loser blogger)

aku pun maki balik suara dalam kepala aku, hek eleh, buleh ke nak guna istilah "comment-comment", padahal alang2 kau nak angkut perkataan english, baik kau guna cara english and tulis as comments je, bongek.

(suara dalam kepala aku cakap whatever, DINCH!)

actually dia cakap "boleh je", tapi tuh lagi sakit hati dengar so aku tukar. suka hati aku ah. suara dalam kepala dalam kepala aku sendiri, huh.

malingsia vs. indon part two, 1malaysia part two

i don't know why this indonesia malaysia issue is bugging me.

i don't usually focus any effort on caring about anything (unless if it's a hot curvy girl with big eyes and a smile that could melt the sun).

erm, anyway, then i realized, i don't really care about the issue.

there's no fucking issue. indonesians seem to forget that most of us here, ARE them. so too, have some malaysians. come on dawg, if you're a malay chances are at least one of your ancestors hopped onto a garuda and flew his or her ass to claim some land from unsuspecting africans weary from having walked a million miles to get here. also, that fucking ad wasn't even put out by our government in the first place. plus, wait fuck a plus there is no fucking issue, it's stupid childish bullshit.

the indonesians are a passionate bunch, and malaysians are dispassionate pricks. i guess this contrast bundled with their aggressiveness and our arrogance is the stem that birthed all this fuckery.

something has been bugging them for years, decades even, and our own
oh shit

the air is suddenly filled with the sweet hearty aroma of chicken kurma. mmm must be my gramps cookin' up sumin' for us to bring back home for open fast. something so culinarily tempting so early in the morning of a day of guaranteed hunger.

see i'm at the kampung right now, i don't usually bring my laptop here because i don't like to pollute the tranquility of chillin' in a laidback leisure-paced small town with the pungent wiry-impedance of technology. but, i didn't wanna miss someone, plus this nostalgic-ful one-storey house has already been debauched by lucifer's own invention - wireless internet anyway. so why stop at just possessing technology when you can sneeze to a step further, and actually use it.

wait where was i.

oh yeah, our own ignorance of this buggery might also be part of the buggering.

i've been to indonesia and i loved it. partly (and this might sound insulting but it's not) because it reminded nostalgic 'young' me of the malaysia of old.

i've interacted with some of their people. the friendly beautiful girls, the skinny characterful men, the animaly animals wait what.

moving on. once, this dude ranted about how he was proud that he made it in malaysia. he had a nice job and all in our beloved 1malaysia country. he was a bit pissed off that our view of indonesia is that they are our poorer less developed sibling, and that indonesia equals construction workers and maids.

he went on about how his nation might not be as developed as ours but their people have more passion, more colour, less racism, and they are generally less hypocritical.

i might have misquoted this guy, or just simply made him up. but whoever or whatever he is be it a real person, or a figment of my overactive a.m. imagination, i couldn't disagree with him.

it's pretty obvious that they do have some kind of inferiority complex. big bro, not doing as 'good' as lil' bro. all this aggression is not pure, it is just a symptom.

we're all civilized people, shouldn't we be more understanding, more tolerating, more caring. i mean sure they've overreacted, but you know, hey bro let's take a drive somewhere and talk about this non-judgmentally.

*oh yeah at exactly this point i suddenly just stopped caring about what i was writing and about to write more about, strange huh*

sowww... i'm gonna stop here about this subject cause i actually don't know where i'm going with this but i guess i'm just generally pissed off at dumbfucks with stereotypical opinions yeahh urgkhh hurr durrr we gave them jobs so they better hurr durrr get their shit together durr hurr. fuck off.

and yeah you know people should stop putting "anything except dangdut" in their music preferences. i don't want to explain why, i just think it's mildly annoying. i'm going to apply for a job at facebook just to issue a warning for everyone guilty of this to edit their shit or bear the consequences of being stripped off a virtual social life. in my free time possibly during lunch i might even skip a meal and go for the "anything except techno" types.

and i don't even listen to or like or give a fuck about dangdut or techno, i'll just do this out of logical spite. grgkh.

i also don't have anything against 1malaysia but i don't think this country is ready to not be racist. mattofact this applies to the whole fucking world, universe even, the aliens will agree. i mean if the opposition takes over this country it would be chaos, simply because we're not ready to not be racist. the stability of this country is built upon a foundation which is racism.

this order must not be disturbed. i'm not being sarcastic, it is what it is. if you simply put racism out of the picture cold turkey style you will have a fucking mess and decades possibly centuries (taking it a bit too far) of cleaning up to do. even if you put it out gradually you'll still have more than just a bit to do.

politicians know not to fix what brings them joyous amount of 'commission' money all while their people keep on smiling and hate each other without expressing it in a disastrous manner the same way engineers have been told not to fix what is not broken. yeah we're a bit wonky but we're still pretty much intact.

i'm pretty sure at least a thousand of us have pointed out the irony of the same government promoting the 1malaysia being the same government ruled by a skin color coded coalition. realize that they know this country ain't ready for no racism, although this country seems ready for and accepting of a smokescreen campaign promoting no racism. hurm durm.

and while i'm on this subject, i mean mood, i hate people who think it's cool to be different. fuck off. i remembered one time this thing happened and everybody gave their thoughts and paid their respects some dude thought it would be cool to be all like yeah hurr i'm so kewl why are all these people making a big fuss out of it chillax i'm cool no need to be like all these people i'm so cool i'm going to insult and make fun of all of them because they're sheeps and i'm not a sheep i'm soooew clever and all that and they're all soewww dumb hurr. grrkh that pissed me off to no end i don't know why. fuckin' non conformist douchebags. i'd rather be an innocent happy idiot than a smelly douchebag wunty-twatty fucking chair up their arses pseudo-'intellect'sss.

man i got so fucking pissed, seriously i got so angry i could start beating up some pricks, i could eat a meal fit for a king and start throwing up aggressively towards the general direction of assholes so i gathered all my pent-up pre massive random object wrecking outrage of fury and and and... deleted someone from my twitter.

anyways, i'm signing off, about to take a shower and drive back home now. hopeful that cosmic beauty would be there for me later cause i want to get mellow.

CRPM Condemns 'Cow Head' Fiasco

PUTJARAYA, August 29 - The Chief Rocka Prime Ministah today offered a wary perspective on the shameful "cow head" incident.

Yesterday, a small mob of angry appropriately dressed men threatened bloodshed over the relocation of a Hindu temple into a predominantly Malay neighborhood.

What was originally a peaceful demonstration almost turned riotous as protesters started spitting and stamping on the severed cow's head. The frenzied crowd only stopped short of putting it on fire as doing so would cook it and this could disrupt them from functioning properly as they were fasting.

The Chief Rocka Prima Ministah said today that he was bewildered and ashamed by what he deemed as disgusting behaviour.

"As we prepare for Merdeka celebrations with my 1Malaysia campaign in hand, this sort of thing just you know, spoils shit."

He also called for investigations into the demonstration techniques of the energetic group now known infamously as "Head Bull".

"First of all, what would something like that achieve? We're all grown men here, a simple memorandum or face to face talk would have sufficed. In fact, if I was to be involved and had no other choice but to go the severed animal head route, I would have gone with the mastermind of the temple's relocation waking up to a bloody horse head on his bed... GODFATHER STTYLLLE .. Nahmsayin'?"

When asked to comment on what further actions will be taken by the authorities, Dato' Seri explained that Malaysia is a multiracial country and we all must live in harmony. He also expects the opposition parties not to start politicizing this issue and making a big deal out of it.

"I mean, Anwar's got his sodomy trial accusations and whatnot, that poof, shouldn't that be the bulk of his worries?" He said.

"Chinese, Indians, they're all humans. When my ancestors welcomed them as they arrived on a boat, who would've expected the immigrants overstaying their welcome and start being involved with our economics and politics and shit. But that's all in the past, we're all okay now. Hey I wouldn't mind tappin' some of that non-Malay meat myself brotha. And if that ain't proof nuff that we multi-racially cool ... bitch I don't know what is."

siapa penyelamat dunia?

saya sebenarnya budak sekolah. baru form 4 tau, honeymoon year bak kata cikgu kaunseling meleesa leena (*angau kejap*).

saya ahli ke-7 dalam gang paling handsome dalam sekolah.

sebenarnya saya bernasib baik je dapat join. saya cuma dapat join sebab man jacket recruit 2 orang lagi lepas dia tension cikgu disiplin lai panggil geng derang 6 jahanam. saya rasa man jacket menyesal sebab from then on, cikgu disiplin lai panggil geng nih 8 ekor babi.

tapi saya tak rasa man jacket menyesal amik saya, sebab saya yang bukakkan facebook untuk beliau and ajar camna nak comment kat status gadis cantik veronica (nama sebenar salmah). tetapi beliau mungkin terlalu menyesal amik badrul a.k.a. james berudu sebagai ahli ke-8, sebab badrul selalu hadiahkan kitorang ikan, tapi lepas beberapa hari, "ikan" tuh tumbuh kaki.

siapa man jacket? man jacket alpha male (atau bak kata abang-abang - pailang) bagi bebudak form 4, ada orang cakap bebudak form 5 pun takut dengan beliau, lagi-lagi sebab alpha male form 5 nama dia sudin stokin (dia memang suka pakai stokin, tapi muka dia lagi mirip aziz satar). siapa nak takut dengan orang yang nickname stokin?. mungkin juga korang tertanya kenapa nickname man jacket, jacket? saya kurang pasti, beliau tak pernah pakai jacket. ada orang cakap sebab beliau mat rempit, mat rems kalau naik motor mesti pakai jacket. itu rumours je, sebab setahu saya beliau datang sekolah guna driver yang bawak mercedes s500, beliau tak pernah ada motor, sebab sejak bapak beliau hadiahkan beliau skyline saya tak rasa beliau ada nafsu kat motor.

ye, beliau anak orang berada, walaupun rambut mullet.

tapi kenapa jacket? saya malas nak fikir panjang-panjang, cikgu disiplin lai cakap daripada berangan baik pergi kedai gunting rambut and gunting rambut.

yes, cikgu disiplin lai cikgu disiplin kami. kami suspek dia nerd yang suka main world of warcraft, tapi kami tetap takut dengan dia. dia suka tarik sideburn orang and dia tak takut dengan sesiapa pon. ada rumours cakap dia pernah gertak pengetua lepas pengetua tersilap amik karipap daripada piring dia masa meeting pibg. jangan sentuh karipap cikgu disiplin lai, itu fevret dia, karipap, dia cakap sebab tuh lah dia kahwin dengan cikgu fizik ros, katanya "luar crunchy, dalam berisi". dia tak cakap camtuh pun, itu lawak yang lan buat.

siapa lan? dia ahli ke-5 dalam gang 8 ekor babi. nama sebenar dia ismail, dia suruh panggil lan sebab fevret band dia infectious maggots. takde sorang pun dalam sekolah yang kenal siapa infectious maggots kecuali ismail, jadi kami assume band tuh tak cool and akur panggil dia lan. kami salah, sebab takkanlah band yang nama infectious maggots (buat suara dan tone gadis dalam cerita 'kami' cakap bende) tak cool.

lan merupakan pelajar yang memegang record sideburn yang paling banyak ditarik oleh cikgu disiplin lai. woah jangan main gila, even salleh elvis pun kalah, salleh elvis tuh budak form 5 btw. ceritanya lan nih memang orang yang nostalgis, jadi dia suka simpan sideburn macam george best. cikgu disiplin lai tak buleh tengok sideburn, dia mesti tarik tarik and suruh potong, lan berdegil. pernah satu hari cikgu disiplin lai dah fedup dia bawak gunting and gunting sideburn lan masa perhimpunan depan semua orang. lan cakap "nooo cikgu dah hancurkan hidup sayer u ols!". cikgu disiplin lai dengan lek je sound balik dengan pelat hokkien dia... "bollocks!".

jadi siapa lagi dalam geng 8 ekor babi?

okay selain daripada #7 saya, #1 man jacket, #8 badrul a.k.a. james berudu, dan #5 lan ada #2 mat bunga, #3 ah chong, #4 george, dengan #6 eric.

mat bunga ialah assistant kepada man jacket, mat bunga jiwang and dia ada motor ex5, dia suka bonceng awek lalu jalan yang banyak traffic light, hmm. ah chong bukan orang cina tapi keturunan jawa, dia suka makan capati untuk makan tengahari and ganja belakang surau untuk makan malam (breakfast dia pulak simple je toast and butter), kenapa nama ah chong? entahlah sebab bebudak pernah lawat rumah dia masa renovation ada brader kontraktor muka macam dia nama ah chong. brader tuh pun bukan orang cina rasanya, sebab muka dia macam muka orang jawa.

george pulak bukan orang irish, dia keturunan mamak, kita panggil george sebab english dia fail. bila sebut nama dia kita sebut dalam accent british macam weyh george (dalam accent british). eric pun bukan french, and kita tak panggil dia eric sebab nama dia cam eric cantona. malah kita tak kenal pun siapa eric cantona, bukan zaman kami.

eric kawan baik ah chong, diaorang berdua suka pukul budak. ada sekali tuh diaorang tanya fared budak form 3 nih jam pukul berapa, belum sempat fared budak form 3 tengok jam diaorang dah pukul sampai lebam. lepas dah kena belasah and terlantar tepi longkang baru fared budak form 3 sedar dia takde jam. bila saya tanya ah chong dan eric kenapa diaorang belasah fared? mereka cakap sebab dia budak form 3.

george pulak pandai masak dan bertukang. lan pernah buat lawak kalau dia tak jumpa bini dia nak kawin dengan george. merah pipi george, lan buat lawak lagi cakap "tengok tuh ayunya bakal bini i blushing u ols". kami semua cringe serentak. lan memang suka kacau orang tanpa sempadan, impian ulung dia nak letak ganja dalam kek pisang makan petang cikgu disiplin lai.

apa aktiviti kami? wells kami suka escape sekolah and pergi cybercafe pastuh main dota. actually saya sorang je tak main dota, saya lebih gemar twitter and facebook. sebab tuh diaorang sayang saya, saya lah kabel mereka kepada gadis-gadis comels siberaya. diaorang semua orang ala-ala kampung, huuh even man jacket yang dari keluarga berada, derang busy sangat jadi cool sampai guna internet pun tak geti.

saya buleh dikira ahli geng yang paling chill lah kira, hobi saya leraikan pergaduhan.

pernah fahmi dengan andrew dari kelas sebelah gaduh over perempuan, saya tahan and cakap "bunga bukan sekuntum! ... ?" mereka spontan jerit sesama "tapi bunga nih je yang kuntum sampai d-cup kat sekolah nie!" pastuh derang belasah saya. saya menyesal tak escape sekolah hari tuh. esoknya man jacket pulak tak escape sekolah. beliau panggil fahmi & andrew tengah padang bola. beliau tinggalkan fahmi & andrew dengan ah chong & eric. senang cerita lepas tuh dua minggu jugak lah fahmi & andrew buleh digest bubur je breakfast lunch dinner. ahaks, tuh ler, lenkali cubalah sentuh saya lagi, ada brans?

kelas fevret kami pjk ajaran cikgu sean rambo. selain daripada pjk cikgu sean rambo also ajar kemahiran hidup. dia suka hisap rokok sebelum kelas and muka dia banyak parut kesan membeduk buaya dan harimau... serentak. sebenarnya dia tak pernah ajar kitorang apa-apa pun. kalau kelas kemahiran hidup dia baling je kayu dengan gergaji pepandai korang ler. kalau kelas pjk dia baling je bola kat tengah padang, pepandai korang ler. lepas tuh dia lepak hisap rokok dengan cikgu kulit putih banyak jerawat yang suka pakai cap.

kami suka imagine kalau cikgu sean rambo bengang dengan orang dia akan samada panah orang tuh guna bow and arrow atau tembak guna bazooka. tapi dia tak pernah bengang dia lek je sap kok luuu benson & hedges. man jacket kapten bolasepak sekolah, so masa pjk kalau main dengan beliau beliau sering score goal, tapi kitorang yang celebrate-kan macam team epl ramai-ramai peluk-peluk dengan muka happy dan tangan ala-ala "yes!". badrul a.k.a. james berudu pun power main bola, tapi kalau dia score goal dia celebrate sorang-sorang, sebab seumur hidup dia .. dia tak pernah mandi.

haih banyak lagi cerita kami yang buleh saya cerita tapi kami masih sedang menjalani cerita nih movie tak habes lagi. infact saya baru nak gi sekolah nih dah lambat nih. hujan best kat luar sana, mesti mat bunga tak pergi sekolah, dia tak suka kalau ex5 dia basah. everytime mat bunga tak datang sekolah market untuk gadis-gadis comel kat sekolah terbuka luas. oh gadis-gadis comel... haih. next time saya cerita pasal gadis comel maggie. dia pengawas. jap lagi dapat lah saya jumpa dia masa dia frown sambil catit nama saya kat pagar sekolah.

no surprises

pagi tadi aku kena lawan katak gergasi, dia kata dia nak conquer earth. aku cakap, aku takut dengan sedara-sedara kau yang kecik, tapi aku tak takut dengan kau sebab kau besar and bila aku pandang straight aku nampak mata kau je. aku tak takut dengan mata kau, aku takut dengan seluruh badan kau. sekarang aku nampak mata kau je, aku tak takut! (kot) (dia dah muka bosan cam lu ingat nih cerita hollywood nak monologue monologue, wa steady je tak cakap pa-pe-pun kot).

so anyway.

aku nak tarik aura aku skang.

aku lek je ah seperti biasa ala-ala tai chi nak tarik aura aku aku lembutkan lengan aku lembutkan semua and aku slow-slow tarik tapi bukan macam sedut maggie tau itu guna muncung nih guna tetangan. tapi shit, tak keluar-keluar. dua tiga minggu nih paling aku senang tarik aura dalam sejarah aku sebagai cosmic hero, dia keluar senang je. dia warna beige, hexadecimal value dia FFF8E7. tiba-tiba aku jadi lemah gila aku try lagi tarik sampai berpeluh-peluh berketar-ketar satu badan... in the end aku pengsan. bila aku bangun and masih floating kat outer space, aku pusing-pusing badan and pandang keliling 360 darjah. katak giant tuh dah takde tapi dia tinggalkan note yang dia buat guna slime dia wa kasi can sama lu pasal wa saspek i meen raspek sama lu penyelamat dunia, esok wa datang lagi untuk cuba conquer earth.

fuck.

dia bagi aku satu hari je, cibai nye katak gergasi. aku tengah panik nih kot, tapi kepala aku songsang so mata aku lagi stim dari usual and aku susah nak angkat bahu. kepala aku dah kebawah sikit, nak tengok langit pun takde nafsu. haih. ada spaceship manusia pass me by, astronaut dalam tuh tengah pasang lagu pink floyd any colour you like kuat-kuat. aku tak rasa sound boleh travel dalam vakum tapi aku tak rasa telinga aku bukan telinga penyelamat dunia yang boleh dengar apa saja. efron you astronaut, aku tak nak any colour, aku nak warna beige hexadecimal value FFF8E7.

kau pernah tengok colour nih? aku penyelamat dunia kot, aku dah merentas satu universe aku dah tengok semua. tapi dalam journey aku hanya ada satu keindahan yang consistent. keindahan ini deserve semua overstatement yang aku buat sebab semua overstatement yang aku buat bagi aku masih understatement sebab walaupun aku penyelamat dunia aku still human and apa yang aku cakap masihlah pujian seorang makhluk dunia sedangkan keindahan ini merangkumi segala ruang dan masa yang wujud dan dunia hanyalah a speck of dust and aku hanyalah a speck of dust inside a speck of dust. keindahan ini yang buat aku nampak warna universe.

dari situlah aku tarik aura aku. dengan aura ini i can face anyfuckingthing.

dayum. katak gergasi nak datang lagi esok, aku harap aku dah sembuh. katak gergasi, kalau apa-apa hal, mintak extend tableh? lek ah lu handsome je kot... walaupun aku takut dengan kau kalau aku nampak kau dari jauh. lek ah malam masih muda, esok kalau kau datang and aku masih auraless leh kita lepak-lepak kat warung kopi kat spiral galaxy, warung kopi dia pusing-pusing, banyak alien-aliens female yang chun lepak situ. kita leh berbual, leh aku ngadu kat kau?

kenapa aku rasa cosy dengan kau skang padahal aku cuak je dengan kau. maybe pasal bila aku rasa macam nih aku dah tak nampak benda lain kecuali keindahan. and bila aku tak nampak kau camana aku nak cuak dengan kau?

kau pandai berbual tak katak gergasi? asal kau nak conquer earth sangat. lek lek ah apa problemnya. asal sekarang nih kau nak sangat conquer earth? kalau kau nak murtabak kat pasar ramadhan tuh takyah lah gelabah sampai camnih kau pesan je kat aku takyah sampai nak amik the whole earth semata-mata.

lek lek. kalau still nak conquer earth, at least kasi wa extension bleh? (ini semua perbualan aku dengan dia kat handphone sebenarnya). *click* cis selamba je dia letak handphone on me, ke line kat galaxy dia tak clear.

tetiba TENENGGG, aku dapat sms dari katak gergasi.

dah malas wa nak layan karenah lu, bila lu dah sedia calling-calling. penyelamat dunia kunun, pathetic.

kong ajar nye katak gergasi.

tapi betul kot.

malingsia vs. indon and 1malaysia

i've heard some shit about anti-malaysia shit and shit, you know indonesia vs. malaysia. oh yeah it's on, dong.

let's say if indonesians wanna throw down with us, i think they'll have to think twice, and we have to think thrice.

they have to think twice cause over here we have gyms and shit, we have like an army of asian vin diesels boutta flex and hustle like for real homie. other than gyms, we also have food, yes, plenty of that, majority of 'em fast and fatty. we have an army of o-beasts bout to get it in, we bout it bout it nahmean, like it's grrrindtime and we all up in this biatch. like for real we get in there and bring the ruck like buck buck buck all up in ya biznatch. bow!

on the other hand we also have to think thrice cause although those indo muhfuckuz are skinny as shit they also fear nothing. i once saw this indo construction worker, he was eating his lunch on this big fucking crane:


he was standing on one foot balancing himself on the tip of the highest point of that shit. he wasn't scared of shit, he didn't have no safety harness, he didn't need no fucking parachute all he had was lunch and his balls. he was humming cintaa taakkk kaaruaaan biikinn peeenaasaraaannn while rendering the big fucking crane his honorary bitch. i was in indonesia once and i saw this indo dude swimming in volcano lava and shit, he was doing it freestyle and breast stroke, once in mid-backstroke he decided to dive like olympic dive but instead of climbing onto a platform he climbed onto a mountain of frozen lava and jumped down. after tiring himself out from his own sheer rambo-ness he dragged his awesome body into one of the lava ponds and chilled out like this:


jacuzzi style except the bubbling water was not water but fucking skin peeling hot as hell lava and his bitch wasn't a blonde but a dragon. yes, a fucking dragon the size of a boeing 747 which flew straight from inside the volcano.

you've seen those indonesian black silat shows in which the dude starts stabbing himself and nothing happens right? and then bats come out his mouth. well fuck me when i was in indonesia cause i saw one dude stab himself with the drill from g.i. joe and then batman came out his mouth. fuck me my dear. fucking batman the size of christian bale came out his mouth and fucked off back to the batcave to buttfuck alfred.

i guess we have to think more than thrice afterall. don't mess about with those indonesians, they crazy.

but of course we also have yours truly penyelamat dunia who could summon both the forces of holiness and unholiness and deliver sheer grimlocking devastation to anyone who dares to enter, this center, sonnn. but he, who is me is on the indonesians' side. cause when they were colonized their colonists fucked them a lotty lot and so they have produced more mixed-bred beauties than we have and i would never do anything to jeopardize my chances with 'ems hot as fuck albeit slightly moustached chickadees. HELLLLLLLLLLS TO THA NO my melayu NO, fuck you melayu, and malaysians too for that matter.

speaking of which, 1malaysia. you see to fully achieve 1malaysia, we have to understand where we come from. in order to unite all races we must know each race. let's do this one by one.

lain-lain - either some fuckers who were originally here before some indonesian badass came and started stamping his shit and pissing territorially on this land or some fuckers who get drunk and know how to use frogs productively.

indians - there are two types, those that guard buildings and tell melayu fuckers to fuck off if they're being rude and tell them how fucked up their race is like in those p. ramlee movies and there's the other type of indians who are really good at talking on the phone and can slide below a lorry riding a horse.

chinese - i believe they're aliens.

malays - generally brown people. you could say they're a cross between early humans and not so early humans with a mix of those aliens (i believe they're called chinese people), if you believe in evolution. if not these fucking malays are just easily a fucking "rojak" (mixed up) race. i once saw a jackie chan looking dude and started speaking mandarin to him and before i could notice that jackie chan speaks cantonese he said in malay i don't understand i'm malay lah kawan. so i said in basic malay that i'm an alien and i'm here to take your land. of course i myself am not chinese, i'm raceless, i was just talking shit. he simply told me he could handle it as long as i "belanja" (treat) him well. ha, you dirty malay biatch.

anyway, the conclusion and the solution is malays are already the perfect race for this country to represent 1malaysia. so send the indians back to india, send the chinese back to whichever planet they came from, and just pile up the lain-lains and hide them down an underwater cave below some giant river or something. takkan melayu hilang di dunia.

or if you don't approve of this idea JUST FUCKING SIMPLY STOP BEING IRONICALLY RACIST FAGETS SCREAMING 1MALAYSIA WHILE YOUR OWN FUCKING POLITICAL PARTY IS 1MELAYU MORE THAN ANYTHING ARGKH GRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGKH I'M HERE TO SAVE THE WORLD I CARE ABOUT FUCK ALL ELSE SO IGNORE ME I'M NOT DRUNK I'M JUST LIKE FUCK ALL Y'ALL.

now where is cosmic beauty i need to get mellow.

sometimes

kadang-kadang masa tengah mimpi macam kau kat sekolah ke apa ke and kau plug in bende kau dari bilik kat benda kat sekolah pastuh mesti cam time mimpi tuh dah nak habes kau gelabah nak packing balik semua barang kau nak bawak balik bilik kan, macam hard disk ke apa kan. tapi mujur ah ada suara kecik cakap weh nih mimpi je kot kau takyah packing barang kau kau bangun kang bende tuh semua still ada kat bilik lagi kot. haha thank you.

kadang-kadang masa cabut bulu bontot kau perasan yang walaupun kau sentiasa cuci bontot dengan meticulous lepas berak siap sabun menyabun, percik limau nipis, hairdry semua dia still akan busuk. so camna mat salleh yang setakat guna tissue je buleh suka buat anal? takkan sebelum anal kena cloroxkan anus dia kot. mmm kadang-kadang aku masa aku bukan tengah cabut bulu bontot pun aku terfikir benda-benda camnih. in the end aku rasa maybe derang taram je kot, maybe bau tuh bagai pheromones gak yang lagi buleh menstimulasi. hmmm. korang rasa?

you know you're a dude when...

your sofa is your closet.

aku selalu je pakai t-shirt tertuck-in ke dalam seluar sweatpants pastuh masa keluar keta ada ah apek pandang slack macam "aphal mamat nih", tapi actually dia sebenarnya cam "wow christian bale is in malaysia meh?".

to be continued.

ok kita sambung ye nih aku tulis dalam 5 jam kot lepas aku tulis to be continued iaitu sekarang lah gamaknya.

aku sebenarnya patut kat masjid sekarang nih. aku gi naik keta sensorang tadi sebab ingat nak men futsal lepas terawih. sekali masjid penuh haha so aku lek je balik rumah buat sorang-sorang. masjid cam tuh ah tahun lepas kau berapa kali je jejak aku untuk terawih leh kira dengan minaret aku ni hah so dia cam penuhkan diri. tapi kecoh gila gak kot tadi, macam nak gi stadium tengok bola, kena parking jauh-jauh tepi jalan pastuh jalan jauh-jauh. siap ada brader-brader jaga trafik guna lightsaber lagi.

ada pakcik yang tak tahu ah bengang ke apa pasal penuh dia jerit "tahun nih hebat wow penuh!". aku tak sure dia cakap straight ke dia sarkastik sebab nada dia cam sarkastik, tapi kalau ikutkan semua pakcik-pakcik melayu bila cakap nada diaorang sarkastik. kalau diaorang cam "dik goreng pisang 2 ringgit" pun adik goreng pisang tuh macam dia nih nak order goreng pisang ke nak perli aku padahal tak logik pun kalau dia perli. teros adik goreng pisang sound balik cakap "pakcik, pakcik pakai kopiah terbalik" ... "betul lah tuh, memang terbalik, jap yang putih nih mesti depan yang putih nih pulak mesti yang belakang ha okay jap pakcik betulkan ye zirafah". kalau macam tuh memang confirm ah sarkastik sebab kopiah yang dia pakai mungkin takde depan belakang pun, mungkin dua-dua adik goreng pisang dengan pakcik tuh sekali sarkastik so double sarkastik jadi apa? jadi sarkistik.

to be continued.

ok sekarang aku sambung lagi, ini lebih kurs 5 jam jugak ah dari to be continued tadi tuh.

aku baru balik men futsal. ponek eh, malam nih menyekso diri, bilo laie nak menyekso diri bedosup sano sini kalu bukan malam sebolum puaso. sebelum sampai rumah layan air kopi vanilla gerenti endorphin.

semalam aku nak gi tengok wayang cerita district 9, tengah beratur lek lek lama gak tunggu sampai dua orang lagi turn aku, sekali akak tuh bukak kaunter sebelah, ada couple gi situ. aku pun dengan macho nye pun gi berdiri belakang couple tuh. bila couple tuh gerak aku pun ke depan. akak jaga kaunter pandang aku lain macam, aku pun pandang dia lain macam, dia pandang aku balik lain macam, aku pun pandang skrin atas pulak lain macam, aku cakap district 9 dia cakap err ini untuk booking je, aku cakap oh untuk booking je ke pastuh aku gelak sorang sorang, dia masih pandang aku lain macam, aku pun tak buat macam-macam and pergi balik belakang line sebelah.

kat depan ada couple tengah cium cium. aku pun tadah muka kat balak dia cam "i nak gak?". balak dia pandang aku lain macam pastuh sound "kau jangan nak macam-macam". kena reject cis, macam haram.

so later on aku tengok ah district 9. cam aku tak leh concentrate sangat sebab dia cam bukan cerita action yang bodoh wahukhukga. dia cam ada banyak cakap ada banyak konsep bla bla bla, tapi cgi dia memang lawa ah tak kartun cam cerita blockbuster standard. dia cam blend lawa je macam cgi tuh part of the surroundings, and also colour dia memang chun ah, memang gritty.

crowd pulak kelakar gak ada minah kat belakang cam budget nih cerita pixar kappa keluar alien alien tengah selongkar sampah dia cam awww. keluar alien kecik yang boleh lah comel lah tapi takde ah comel cam lipas campur udang campur robot kecik awww cute nya dia. alien kena pukul dia cam ahhh jangan awww. cuba kalau aku kena pukul dengan brader jaga pintu cinema tuh sudah tentu aweks tuh cam pass me by je, jangan kan "awww", "a" pun tak terukir kat bibir. everytime ada aksi ganas yang belasah alien or orang cam AAA NO macam tak patut, hello nih memang cerita tembak tembak kot bukannya rom com.

aku rasa kita dah establish this dengan poster cerita nih yang ada makhluk yang macam kesatria baja hitam yang terlebih baja tengah berdiri atas tanah yang diperbuat dari taik syaitan pastuh ada ufo tengah hover atas dia and ufo tuh takde rupa sikit pun macam cupcake. bukannya poster dia muka matthew makanohey pakai scarf sambil senyum and lancapkan kambing. haha lek lek penyelamat dunia, takde ah aku tak marah pun tapi cam saje je buat cam marah aku rasa cam kelakar je.

pastuh aku kalau tengok movie aku suka teleng ke kiri so since seat aku kat tengah aku gerak lah ke kerusi kanan aku yang kosong. pastuh aku cam angkat kaki kanan naik atas kaki kiri cam silang kaki kasi selesa sikit. elok pulak mamat yang tadinya sebelah aku sebelum aku move selang kaki kiri dia atas kaki kanan. wahukhukga. macam synchronized selang kaki. cam ada persefahaman di situh. pastuh aku angkat kepala kat dia dia pun angkat kepala lepas tuh kitorang dua dua buat handsign westside cam two twisted in the miiiid westside pastuh serentak kembali tengok skrin balik. actually part tuh aku imagine je, actually dalam semua benda yang aku lalui aku tak sure mana satu yang betul mana satu yang aku imagine.

tah tah aku imagine je tengah tengok cerita district 9 padahal cerita sebenar kat skrin cerita kartun up tuh padanlah awek-awek di belakang menggediks reaksi mereka. haha. eh tak ah memang district 9 kot pasal aku pulak dok tergelak-gelak sebab main character dalam movie tuh dok mencarut sepanjang movie FOOK FOOK, FOOK THIS FOOK THAT, YOU FOOKING PRAWNS, FOOKING FOOKING FOOK YEAH FOOK THE WORLD EH FOOK KOK KEONG whaukhukga. cam sebab dia bukan cakap fuck pun dia cakap fuck dalam accent atau bahasa dia memang tak censored ah lagipun every second kot dia mencarut kalau kena censored pun mamat censorship tuh mesti cam cis bedebs melampau frekuensi kekesatan dialogue filem ini takyah censor ah FOOK IT.

pastuh aliens dia dipanggil prawns pasal memang macam prawn, kalau kau masak maggie dalam bowl yang besar cam swimming pool buleh lah tambah diaorang dalam hidangan kau kasi best sket. entahlah.

okaylah kawan-kawan jangan nakal-nakal ye saya mungkin nak tidur esok sahur sudah. and oh yeah, hello! cik mia aku merinduimu hur hur hur.

that joke is still funny somemore

kan dalam entry nih aku cakap to be continued. well ini lah continuatination dia.

aku dah lama ah tak tengok wayang. sebulan dua kot. kalau ikut kan takde ah lama sangat pon, sebab dulu aku pernah bertahun tak tengok wayang lek je. apa buleh buat, masa tuh tak muat kusi, kalau muat pun, lover's seat tuh and bukak dia nye penghadang untuk bagi ruang kepada more to love aku.

masa aku dah kurus sket antara benda pertama aku buat ialah aku duk kat kusi starbucks tuh, and tak bangun bangun sampai starbucks tutup. sebab dulu aku bengang dengan kusi tuh. siapa punya idea nak guna kusi camtuh untuk tempat-tempat cafe coffee frapuchicano orale carnal pelanchau nih. santai ah konon. dah habes santai ah kerusi tak stabil macam tuh. konon kira hybrid hammock dengan tikar lah. dah habes beach ah konon, biatch. tapi tadi masa aku nak guna perkataan hammock sebenarnya aku terlupa perkataan tuh, aku paham konsep dia so aku tanya member "kawan (bukan nama sebenar), apa nama benda yang ikat antara dua pokok yang orang boleh tidur tuh?", kawan aku dengan lek je jawab "hammock"... "terima kasih", "sesama".

teros tutup ym.

simple je perbualan, senang ada kawan macam nih, dia tanya kita jawab. bukannya kawan yang misai tebal kita tanya kang dia tanya balik (aku takde je kawan camnih tapi imaginasi aku pada pukul 11:30am - 12pm ada).
"kau nak buat apa tidur antara dua pokok?"
"err, orang tetua cakap nanti kau leh serap essence dua pokok tuh nanti leh sehat sehat belaka"

"ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yaka. pokok apa?"
"tak kesah ah pokok kelapa ke manggis ke avocado ke, kalau rempit dia suka pokok rembutan (hello!)"

"ohhhhhhhh yaka. aku dah lama tak nampak kau kat kelas yoga asal ah?"
"sebab aku tak amik kelas yoga pon"

"ohhhhh yaka. patut ah"
"ohh hammock! baru aku ingat, ha kau, sini kejap aku nak bisik sesuatu"

/dia tadah muka
PANG!

"ohhhh yaka, awat hang tampaq muka aku nooo"
"sebab kau banyak soal"

"aku banyak soal ke"
"unorthodox paradox sungguh mung nih, natang menda dok tau"

"ohhhhhhhhhhhh yaka, kau nak gi mana nih?"
"nak gi sana entot sama cewek cakep bangets, loe stay sini entot sama kucing loe"

"ohhhhhhh yaka, kucing gwe yang mana satu dong?"
"yang ada kurap, ok byz"

"ohhhhhhhhh yaka, yang mana satu yang ada kurap"

actually bende nih takkan habes until aku luku kepala dia sampai dia pengsan and masa dia pengsan dia buleh snoring and snoring dia tuh pun bunyik macam soalan and aku teros terbang ke planet venus in the nude untuk tenangkan diri.

anyway where were we. yeah, dulu bagi aku kusi tuh memang kerek. aku paling benci kalau meeting ke apa ke kena kat tempat tempat coffee pelanchs nih, sebab kusi tuh ah. or apa-apa tempat yang suka guna kusi cantuh. ergkh.

habes aku duduk lah kat starbucks tuh tanpa beli apa-apa macam ha puas hati aku leh duk atas kau.

staf staf starbux pun dah cam dik dik lek dik pecite nih dik at least beli lah something dik. well at least itu apa aku rasa derang nak cakap based on muka derang. sampai kul bape tah starbux dah nak tutup nih dah nak mop mop semua derang cam dik dah lah tuh dik. aku pun cam ah takde saya nak duk sini sampai kusi nih mintak divorce. well at least itu apa aku tafsir dari muka derang and keupayaan aku untuk mengetahui apa yang aku sendiri tengah pikir dalam kepala. also sebab derang semua dah angkat kusi itu with aku sekali in it and cuba nak campak ke luar compound starbux cam "takpe ah kusi tuh burn je ah" kata mamat yang aku rasa supervisor based on pemerhatian aku yang dia suka arah-arah staf lain sambil mendongak sebab based on psychology kalau kita tunjuk dagu kita kat orang orang lebih mudah patuh pada kita. so kalau nak jadi pemimpin developkan lah chin anda and ikutlah theory seorang penyelamat dunia yang suka reka theory sebab bagi aku if you believe in something so much it might just work although sebab aku dah persembahkan theory nih kau mungkin akan saspek aku tipu and susah kau nak believe in that something so *flash benda dalam men in black yang buleh buat kau lupa what i just said*. SWISH!

masa aku kecik aku pernah kurus sekejap, tapi hitam. bila aku gemuk balik aku jadi putih balik. blame fifa 95. dulu lek lek je setiap petang berbasikal gi main bola sambil bersuntan you ols. sehinggalah muncul fifa 95, aku rasa cam daripada aku bergerak seluruh badan berpeluh dan aktif sihat kuat dan strong gitew main bola baik aku gerak jari jemari aku je and command orang-orang kecik nih untuk main bola for me.

sebab tuh lah jari jemari aku lawa-lawa buleh jatuh chenta if you ever happen to catch a glimpse (kan kan kan?).

masa aku kecik aku paling suka main hide and seek. aku paling suka nyorok pastuh takde orang dapat carik aku. dah besar aku suka duduk sorang-sorang dalam bilik and kunci pintu. tapi jap lagi member aku suh aku burnkan lagu raya passing kat dia kena gak turun nampaknya. but of course sebab aku penyelamat dunia aku leh lek je dispense sedikit energy dan aura kepada cd nih and dia leh terbang sendiri ke tangan member aku. cuma aku tak tahu lah camna nak handle situation kalau member aku pengsan sebab nampak cd terbang tanpa bantuan bende-bende yang logik. and kalau dia pengsan hopefully dia tak snoring yang bunyik macam soalan. cheh.

pagi tadi sebelum breakfast aku makan tiga bijik maltesers. except bijik yang kedua dan ketiga tuh terlekat bersama.

anyway, aku penyelamat dunia, aku tahu what fuels the world. it is cuteness. kecomelan.