Thursday, May 31, 2007

In Greenhouses

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You run frantically into the loo, you sit down, you go "ahhhhh" as shit goes down, and then something - this is just marvellous - happens, you get hiccups...

Yeah man fuck that shit. Hiccups while shitting, nothing better to start a productive day of laying down still for hours alternating watching movies and wanking with.

Hiccups while shitting, you try to make it go away, taking a deep breath, hnfshhhhhhhhhh notice as you enthusiastically snort pure air the asshole opens up... down goes the finger-licking nugget-piece of excrement sleazily *pulp*.

Occasionally you get those long ass handmade car-precise shaped shit that you know, looks like a dildo, or a dick, whichever floats your boat, or clicks your clit. And as you're halfway excuding it out like that playdoh thingy, you hiccup one time *hickKUP*, and your asshole closes then open in one swift movement of a movement like the cunt muscle of a black widow (discovery channel will beg to differ but butt fuck 'em), *GUILLOTINNE CHO{PP!* the shit splits in half, kinda like a tabung uji (those things that look like small dildos in chem labs) in your pussy breaking in half allthough this probably ain't too logical as a tabung uji will just smash to pieces and induce a split-second of sonic boom multiple-orgasms before the agony kicks, in all its glory. Gloria estefan didn't see this coming.

So, how was YOUR day? good? good, well me? nah I'm just chillin' you know, smoking other people's smoke and shit, listenin' to damn it feels good to be a gangsta........ throwing gang signs in slow motion, combing your girlfriend's vaginal hair with a comb that grows out of my crotch, the usual.

Err... hmmm I don't know.

I read a book with so much gayety, by that I mean the word, a long time ago before gay was gay, gay was NOT gay. That's so gay.

I haven't devoured a big mac for a long time. My childhood was fucked upside down by Roald Dahl, that fucking pilot. I need House, I need his wisdom right now. I watched the whole season 4 of One Tree Hill last month, what's wrong with me? Well consider this, I've watched all their seasons in offering.

What's wrong with me?

Yeah dawg you don't want my presence when you're walking alone in a dark alley that's what's up, I watch fucking One Tree Hill, who the fuck watches a boring ass white people can't jump ass moving picture with licensed faggy ass white boy ass music pasted every fucking two scenes post rock as score piece of shit, I do, I'm a self-loathing piece of brown purple polka-dotted piece of dog shit in an abc bowl, I'm sad, I'm just sad, I'm not ...saddd, I'm SAD.... SAD, SAD, SAD. I need a gurlfriend, I need a gurlfriend right now! I need a piece of whiny ass flesh with a puncture somewhere below the belly button, a black hole below the nose that can't stop spewing funny sounding shockwaves that has the uncanny ability to go over any male species' head like cowboys over horses, just so you could preserve her mood enough for her to wilfully participate in cowgirling later at night.......

Yes I need that,

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I need someone to waste my phone credit on for no rational reason just so I can wank and topup at the same time frequently to impress myself, I need someone to ignore, I need someone I can trust to have strong enough jaw muscles to send then receive, repeat - in orderly and unorderly fashion based on timing if you know what a brotha is sayin', I need someone with long ridiculously coloured hair who listens to fergie, avril lavigne, gwen stefani and other various satanic music, I need someone who can hypnotize me just by unhooking that piece of cloth foreign to national geographic jungle natives, I need someone to... I need someone I could... I need someone I would....... I need someone who..... could lend me a One Tree Hill boxset when I need it..... wuakhugaekughukea bad joke bad joke. Bodoh lanchau.

British people are funny, yet they don't fuck that much eh? If not we'll be having as much hot chicks as Indonesia, not that the white specimen is beautiful, it's all about the mix, and the mix.... is the end of racism, and beginning of shadism. This is how we kill racism, we fuck each other so much that colours get confused, so confused you would have to depend on shades to be racist, race can't be registered properly as shades are too gray-area-ish, the birth of shadism, kinda like the hutus and the what was that shit in rwanda again, yeah, petty little differences can make a difference, it's a new era, if only fornication with animals could breed manimals, then we'll begin another era, plants? yep, another era, having tree genetics can help vitalize your sex life, imagine growing all over your partner, you know females have so many sex spots and all that, that's why japanese chicks just lurrveeee having sex with octopuses. And then PETA would step in, and then guess what? I'll have a plant-human hybrid army ready to kick they ass, fuck you for killing our ancestors, you fucking.. you fucking... peta. Anyway, somewhere in Mauristitus there's sandy beaches and clear water, if you ever decide to skin dip and cover all your nasty parts with the water so that people won't see them, send me a picture? If I can't see them then the Mairautus tourism campaign is a farce.

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Well then, that's it for me today, happy to let all those relevant pent-up emotions out in writing, life is but a long dream so when you're trying to hook up with a girl and she says "in your dreams pedro!", just say "wet one then, tonight, you fucking peta". Sorry kalau tak semua I aku in capital pasal you know, hampeh.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Jurassic Fifteen

What is the significance of Jackson 5 in my life?

I'm about to reveal a secret that won't be too surprising in this world chokeful of psychos and post rock.

When I was little I had 4 brothers, one younger, the others older, we all wore jackets in different colours, I wore red because Michael Jackson wore red in the "beat it" video. This is not too far off from Jackson 5 when Randy came in allthough they should've been Jackson 6 by that time, I think, fuck I know too lazy to wikipedia.

By the time I was 11, they were no longer by my side, I wasn't sad, I just moved on, this was around the time I started to develop full-blown boners which felt slightly uncomfortable at first, watching "oriental massage" with my friends after skipping school.

Why the entry drought - Cause I don't have a life to write about.

What's on my playlist and why? (Cause people give two fucks) :-

  • One Be Lo - decepticons
    cause he can flow AND sample.

  • Big L - da graveyard
    cause he "gets more pussy by accident than otha niggaz get on purpose".

  • The Clash - police on my back
    cause this song is so cute and geeky despite about well, police being on their backs.

  • The Clash - rudie can't fail
    cause of the way "what i neeedddd i just don'ttt haveeeeee" is delivered ... and how "fail" was pronounced, ruuuudieee can'tt fiaaaiialalllll

  • Sham69 - if the kids are united
    cause, uh well, i dunno, this should be a school anthem or suttin'.

  • Operation Ivy - sound system
    cause i love them.

  • Operation Ivy - bad town
    cause they fucking rule, duh? and this is where half of Rancid originated.

  • Naughty by Nature - hip hop hooray
    cause hip hop anthems used to have a simple formula - bangin' beat + emcees who could spit, come on who the fuck wants to fuck with Treach's steez?

  • Redman - put it down
    cause Redman and Timbaland are the kings of club bangaz, i wonda if they play this shit in ghetto heaven

  • Nine - whutcha want
    cause his voice makes frequencies run for they lives.

  • Organized Konfusion - black sunday
    cause Pharoahe Monch can sing, and sounds betta on beats like this.

  • Bounty Killer - mad n psycho
    cause dancehall djs can kill you with their voices alone (by dancehall i mean dancehall not seandapaul). and dancehall clash crowds do not throw hands in the air, they throw flames, yes, pure fucking fire.

  • Jackson 5 - i wanna be where you are
    cause mj sings betta as kid, and his brothers provided him the best backdrop.

  • Jackson 5 - gotta be there
    cause this is the most jiwangest song in the world, and big nosed mj, is the shit.

  • Jackson 5 - maybe tomorrow
    cause this is what Ghostface sampled for his classic song, and Ghostface like J5, RULEZ yo azz

  • Mobb Deep - hit it from the back
    cause they are the evil bruvaz of Kriss Kross, can y'all not tell from the title of the track.

  • Incognito - still hip hop (radio edit)
    cause the yellow bastard on the vocals, and the chink fuck on the boom bapopals, they are the future

  • Smif-N-Wessun - bucktown
    cause of the classic jazz sample and how ghetto rap should be delivered.

  • Ras Muhammad - money feat. Diplomats International
    cause this indo dude can raga and I like Mistah's voice and flow.

  • Heltah Skeltah - letha brainz blow
    cause this is what's gangsta.

  • Pete Rock & CL Smooth - i got a love
    cause Pete Rock rocks the horns like no other

..Man i suck at punctuating

Monday, May 07, 2007