Thursday, October 18, 2007

little miss strange

I was chatting with my once best now NORMAL friend (wakhugukeaga) and something was brought up about meeting ex-girlfriends. I only have one but I can as fuck imagine various scenarios of meeting an ex-girlfriend I lost touch with for years cause she's a cunt.

In a shopping mall, an old school one, something like Subang Parade. She's pregnant, while attending to another one of her beauties. I walk up to her and look at her. She looks at me. I do this (refer to the fucking image dunn). She smiles. I walk past her and recommence with life as I know it.

In a shopping mall, an old school one, something like Subang Parade. She is now a whore, she calls out to me, I go "do I know you, whore?" she goes "bla bla bla bla bla", I go "whatever, whore", then I walk away.

Okay I'm actually having writer's block, whore. I'll come back with more talk, whore. Wuhkahgkeahkugugapeace.

spanish bombs

We'll get back to this later.

Ooh post-raya (eid), that magical time when you promise yourself you'll eat like a maniac who has been fasting for one month for a week or so but get back to eating decently and controllably after that one week ends cause you're fat as jabba. A week will turn into a month, a month will turn into months. Next thing you know you're finally eating right - on the first day of next year's puasa, of course, that is only until 7pm or so. Beatch.

Dida. Ultimate diver. He one-upped Rivaldo's mega-dive during some world cup years ago, ball to knee *falls down holding face*. This time around, some Scottish (how surprising) dude ran across Dida, tapped on his eyebrow. What I heard from the experts was that the scottish dude's finger dispersed some kind of bacteria which spread across Dida's body prompting him to fall down like he was hit by a baseball bat miss-hit by a kid going for the pinata. Hmm.

You know you're shite when Italians start giving you shit about diving. Dida is gonna be punished like a mufuckah for that stupid shit. Which is good, all us football fans hate divers, that's why I hate american football fans. Everytime they wanna make a point that football is gay they'd point out diving. But dumbfuck, diving is NOT part of the game, it's done by faggots, while TIGHT PANTS, PADS, and HUGGING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PITCH WHILE THE BALL IS A MILE AWAY, IS part of your game bitch. Fuck that, rugby is that good shit, fuck american football, americans (u.s. ones) are douchebags. They're like that dude in your class who loves Bon Jovi and would never wanna let anyone say he's a douchecunt for being that way. What a douche.

One of my favourite The Clash songs is "train in vain", my favourite song from The Delfonics is "think it over", my favourite song by The Temprees is "out of my reach", one of my favourite Boyz II Men songs is "doin' just fine", my favourite song by The Stylistics is "have you seen her", my favourite song performed by The Platters is obviously "smoke gets in your eyes", one my favourite tunes from The Velvet Underground is "who loves the sun", my favourite Harold Melvins & The Blue Notes song is "i miss you", one of my favourite Blue Magic songs is "just don't wanna be lonely", one of my favourite Beach Boys songs is "god only knows", my favourite The Ramones song is "the kkk took my baby away". My love optimism game is fucked. You know who you are.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

mars attack

A lot of people say Malaysia's space adventure is a PROPAGANDA. Yeah, okay, fuck you, as a patriot, I beg to differ. The flight has all the makings of a trip full of objectives, so full there's room for none more. I mean sure there are the minor fooling around experiments like this and that, but there are also the major experiments that will change the world and incite aliens to come to us like this, that, that, and this.

However, to me, the biggest contribution from this trip would be to language. It would create the intro for a new phrase. A new generation of sentences.

we've gone to space and shit but...


angkasa pun dah sampai tapi..

Anything can be added after these openings like for example "there's still poor people asking for donations in the streets" which I predict would be one of the common ones. Or maybe "there are still remp-its (biker mice from mars)". Or maybe in malay "pendidikan awam pun masih kena bayar lagi" or "korupsi masih berleluasa" (pergh macam kumpulan punk rock poyo cuba buat lirik BM lak) or "ahli-ahli politik masih lagi tergagap-gagap cakap bahasa melayu rasmi, cakap jelah cam biasa, tengok alien tuh, relaks je". Shit like that. Point is, fuck you space mission haters, fuck you indeed.

That brings me to another issue, aliens. Why is it that aliens are always envisioned as slimy ugly creatures? or ugly big eyed fucks? This leads to me suspecting that we already know what they look like. I mean, do they have to look like that? Can't they be pretty and beautiful. Or would it be too far fetched to think that they actually just, look like, us? Especially their females, hopefully. And their hot hot females could possibly even dig fat ugly bwoys like me. I wanna go to Mars, fuck it, government!! sign me up for the next one! Beatch.

mind language

a lot of malay people think in english, therefore their english is very good, written and most of the time also spoken. I have superior english to most malays, but I don't think in english, I don't even think in BM, I think in bahasa pasar (direct translation - market language, meaning - street malay or the malay language we speak not the one we're forced to speak). I'm not kidding it's true.

Whenever I'm driving and some dude is honking 0.001 seconds after the traffic light turns green I'll be going "pantek kau ah". Whenever I'm laying around on the carpet watching local tv and some dude makes a stupid statement like "the space program is a waste of our money!" I'll go like "kepaleh bapuck kaauu".

Many more like "kau gila kappa", "apa lanchau", "hek elah".

Or more complicated ones like "pergh awek nih chun siot", "hari nih aku nak tengok movie ke tv series?", "awek baru kat house m.d nih chun gak siot", "aku nak open dengan karipap dulu ke terus ke spaghetti? hmm", "p. ramlee gila badass siot", "kalau astro ban cartoon network disney etc masa raya pun bagos gak, takde ah aku kena mengadap bende bende nih bila sedara sedara kecik pegang remote", "pergh awek tuh comel sial argkh", etc etc.

I've been reading a lot of malay bloggers saying they think in english so it got me wondering what language do I think in as I've never paid it too much mind. I mean when I'm supposed to write in english of course I'll think in english but primarily as I live through life I just think in bahasa pasar.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

mufuckaz ain't shit to me

Who here has never had a black metal phase? Okay fuck you stop judging. I had one and it wasn't not fun, okay. Infact, me and my friends once painted our faces for a picture although I wasn't taking it too seriously cause I was wearing a striped-down boxer, holding a broom and *black metallers say BLASPHEMY!!!!* was too lazy to put on the white paint (it's too much fucking work, how do you band dudes do it!).

Black metal is the gangsta rap of metal. Not the good gangsta rap either. The stupid new-age ponce gangsta rap, think 50 cent, or I dunno, fuck should I know.

I've bought metal mags. I've cursed at stupid clueless fucks who send letters to metal mags asking why bands like Sil Khannaz or As Sahar have growl vocals and don't sing like the mainstream metal bands (think XPDC or FTG (by this time they've already gone mainstream)) (and I still think muthafuckaz who can't understand growls eventhough I don't dig it anymore are crybabies). I cursed at the government when a band called Destinity (no real idea who the fuck they are and what they sound like) was banned from coming down. I've viewed Harian Metro as the devil for being so melayu and mega-sensationalists, still do, those bitch-asses.

Thank God or chance if you're a godless heathen only propa Heavy or Stoner and Death metal stuck with me.

I used to have a hardcore phase, mainly due to going to their gigs down south, I was so clueless I didn't even know hardcore came from punk. They have good crowds, crazy as fuck. Why are kids nowadays against this type of crowd, performers love a crowd that brings the fucking ruckus. Well maybe not all, maybe some prefer a more intelligent crowd. LOL@intelligent.

I missed out on the punk and rock kapak phase cause I guess that wasn't my time. That was the older dudes' times. I guess that must've been a very fun time, I loved reading old editions of my school's magazine cause you can see pictures of rock kapakers with their Loudness/Iron maiden t-shirts and pointy guitars performing in the same hall I once mimed an Innuendo song in (Innuendo is dope, aight), shout out to whoever drew a Bloodshed casette on one page of the mag too, dope shit.

That was their time, what else was my time?

I had a grunge phase, well this is my first ever phase after POP. Everybody without influential older siblings start at pop. Although grunge was pop back then it wasn't exactly pop, it was a loophole, it was actually alternative/indie rock (no not faggy rock as it's known now). Everybody born within the same era as I did had a grunge phase, it was the easiest fad to adhere too. If you're a sloppy slacker loser, you don't need to go to a motivation camp to learn to be yourself, just be yourself. Girls back then listened to almost the same shit as you do, so if you have a Nirvana lyrics folder (I did) or Offspring (Offspring was raw back then, aight)/Rancid or softer ones like Blur cassettes, cool chicks with "alternative specks" are gonna be looking for you. Bless you Kurt Cobain.

I also had a rap metal phase, oooh I really did have this phase, it was simultaneous with my nu metal phase, but rap metal was closer to the heart cause my favourite nu metal music had vocalists who liked rap - Deftones, Limp Bizkit (I know this is standard preference but fuck it 1st album only okay?), or Korn. But Rage Against The Machine was that shit. In my batch I was the only one who listened to RATM, not trying to be different I also dug whatever was popular in the hostel mainly punk (Carburetor Dung, The Bollocks) or skinhead punk (A.C.A.B., The Official) (strangely no metal movement at all in my hostel except maybe one dude who listened to Iron Maiden, hip hop is totally out of the question here cause I didn't school around KL), but I had a very soft spot for RATM, I'm that dude who listens to RATM. One time my friend found a junior who listened to RATM that junior was instantly referred to me. RATM was my shit. My table at school had RATM quotes that I don't even understand or care about, but it sounded cool so FUCK THE NORM. Enter University, my locker had a printed-at-the-faculty-lab pissing-off-the-kakak-jaga-lab RATM propaganda posters, my books had plastic covers and RATM propaganda pics slipped inside them.

RATM was introduced to me by my first internet friend. Bless her. Girls used to be cool back then, what the fuck happened? Females get your shit togeva I toldja.

Fucking phases. I prolly had more phases and more details towards phases but fuck man it's so hard to recall everything, on the drive balik kampung some detail might pop up and will piss me off cause I won't have TEH INTERNETS for a few days. So I'm gonna put this disclaimer to avoid me being pissed off, while hungry, in a traffic jam.

I wish I had a hip hop phase but I didn't. I've never properly spent my time in a hip hop infested environment. Most of my childhood in a small town, most of my teenhood in the dirty south. Hip hop was 100% my own decision, a curiousity driven by my own will, it was a closet thing, it was like being a fag, everybody around you would mock and make fun of hip hoppers, and you're laughing half-heartedly. But fuck it right. Escape to the headphones in cybercafes. Back then I had to download real audio as mp3 was too big (times have changed), one of my favourite tracks was killa hill niggas which showcased two crews that ruled my hip hop getaways - Cypress Hill and Wu Tang Clan. My first cassette was 2pac's.

Moved on from cybercafes to the car. My car was hip hop. I continued with hip hop the tradition of always checking out local shit when it was with rock. I was going to classes listening to Sicksiderz - rap tak ingat it was my car's anthem, all of my friends knew the words, these are regular joes with superregular flows, so they'll have big macs, no pickles... and regular cokes wukaghkeaukga sorry couldn't stand the momentary MARVWON lapse. Erm what was it yeah nama akuu ada binnn, infact it got so played out some of the friends even memorized the other hooks in the Message for the Masses compilation with complicated english choruses haha. And I'm ain't gon' front I played Too Phat a lot some of the dudes got into Too Phat. I even rapped along to the lyrics whenever I'm bored. Who would've known I'd end up in a crew that not only was home to some of the groups I was a fan of, but was also regarded as another group that I liked, Too Phat ..'s rivals, hahuhe.

Thing is as I have written in an upcoming song, I have always had a thing for RAP (before I knew some of it was mainly known as hip hop). When I was a kid living in the UK I got into a duel with my friend over who memorized do the bartman (a Bart Simpson rap song in The Simpsons' casette a longgggggggg time ago) the most. I would never miss Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, never. I will never to admit to this but I actually liked Vanilla Ice especially in Ninja Turtles 2 GO NINJA GO NINJA GO. I remembered anecdotes about MC Hammer when he came to town one of them being an older cousin who didn't wash her face cause MC Hammer's sweat fell on it.

I knew Public Enemy!

But didn't know exactly who they were exactly, only that some people considered them to be dangerous to listen to as if they're gangsta rap (sheeesh). I jumped to Kriss Kross' jump when it came out. Fuck I lived in KL (keramat to be exact) for about a year and got a touch of hip hop in me - when I borrowed 4U2C's (okay not TOTALLY hip hop) cassette from the Indonesian maid next door - a listening moment I had to disown once I moved to the dirty south, seriously bruv never risk getting crucified for listening to rap, it's fucked up, hahuha. I totally digged Nico's songs and especially his rapping although for some reason I never really got into KRU. Maybe a few listens, but the Cinta Metropolitan movie was kinda funny, especially when some girl got jealous of some dude who got with some other girl in a party and she ended up sitting next to Edry who was playing his acoustic guitar and Edry promptly strummed the guitar and went with a falsetto - "jaaaangaaaannn jealous! jangan jealousssssssssssss" (I can sing this to anyone who wants an idea of what it sounds like just request, like we malay dudes say, no hal punya). And and and some might not believe this, I actually listened and acknowledged the Krash Kozz song when it first came out on radio, it was the first propa local english rap song I've listened to (putting aside the lame KRU attempts). I wished I had heard of Naughtius Maximus but fuck you industry they got banned, I would've been way cooler in life if I had listened to them early on but nothing's ever too late for anything and everything tring-a-ling-ling.

Shit I don't know what got me writing all this shit - all of a sudden, maybe it's the nostalgic effect of being about to spend raya in the good old hometown. What do I look forward to during raya? No more raya money for me. Of course, cute ass chicks in baju kurungs. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Where ma homer at?

Girls are so cute. Why are girls so cute? Shit. I'm punching my way out of a sponge thinking of how cute wimmin can get. Mmm.

So on that note happy raya to you mufuckuz, don't watch too much bullshit on t.v except for footie, watch cute gurlies in traditional dresses instead, beatch. Have a nice one and uh don't forget to:-

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Thursday, October 04, 2007

think it over

Sitting down with a hot ass not lookwise, wet hot anal hole fresh from a good session of chilli shit - you know what it is don't front. The things I would love to do right now. Rescue a mixed heritage girl from the surroundation clutches of teenie skinny hipster boys of colour with white boy syndrome big messy hair, lousy tight pants, and generally horrible looking tops. I'll smash they ipods, get them occupied, decoy, distraction. Gurly come with papi I got the goods. We'll make sweet sexytime as I discover she's not a virgin but is still tight - like a 7-year old's ass. Or drive by in my army unit hummer a bus station in a posh hood occupied by two stunningly hot caucasian-infested-asian young but legal chicks in hot pants. Or not, maybe I'll look a cute malay chick in the eye and spend the next few weeks having conversations, no not the stupid when i was a kid you know muh granma bla bla blabbergas ala sunset sunrise whatever movie but just continous flirtations on and on we can do this till we fall too much in love we get high and start doing things to each other we would never have done if she was a nun and I was a buddhist monk. But I'm sorry, darlings, it's nearly the end of the season, I need to win me some silverware and maybe plan future transfers for my team in Football Manager 2007. *cue ladies looking dissapointed and hot*. I say yo, for real gurlie, give me a few hours (12-24 give or take), then we can cuddle. We can look at the stars and I'll point out which one looks like your nipples the most. We can wake up and look at the clouds, I'll point out which one looks like your breasts the most. We can go to middle earth and look at the eye, I'll just straight up point straight at it and say that definitely looks like your pussy the most. And then maybe, just maybe, we'll have breakfast together, and I'll get back to my FM. *insert gurlies looking angry and hot*. For real yaw, I updated this shit with the latest transfers right up to the TRANSFER DEADLINE! *insert gurlies in bikinis looking not impressed*. Okay I give up bimbos, and Liz Lemon. Ooh Liz Lemon. You look like Winona Ryder except not like a dude, with less character which is good, natural boobs. You probably make a lot of money but you're always busy it's okay baby I'll go with the flow use the time you spend in the studios to catch up with my FM. But when you free, baby you're gonna have all of me, every single cholesterol, every single damaged split-ended hair, every single pheromone glands. You make the bimbos jealous, but my charm'll make the bimbos content, cause they love me, especially the one with a big fucking gun for a leg. I can't stand it when she sweats. I need psychiatric help right now, most fittingly from a psychiatrist who looks like a cross between Tina Fey and Rose Mcgowan, is single, and wants me badly. Guess what lady, you can fix my mind up, cause I made my mind up. What? Later at night in your bedroom, you're gonna find out.