Saturday, May 31, 2008

"what a great traffic system, it's so bright!"

a lotta people bite their nails whenever they're anxious or nervous, including me. but those are not the only activators of mine. sometimes it's triggered by nonsensical happenings like i dunno, like if i just saw a chick with a reasonable sized boob passing by. or when i'm looking out of the window from a bus (hoping to luckily catch some chick giving fellatio while her dude is driving) or something.

i have a chronically intermittent relationship with a book, or books for that matter. infact, to further put it into perspective, i have a chronically intermittent or perhaps virtually non-existant relationship with anything at all that requires a certain respectable level of attention span. when you were a kid they showed you 3-hour epic movies and black and whites. as you slowly grow up they slowly feed you more and more formulaic hour and a half movies with the same pattern over and over again. conditioning accomplished! but you can't kill my imagination though! it is the imminent result of years and years of hard work. get it? 'hard' work.

i am bad at vocabulary. sometimes it would take ages for me to recall a word that i would wanna use, that i have an idea of, but couldn't quite grasp what exactly. and while doing this i would be moving my hands around like a pissed off italian, or a rapper in the 90's, or an insecure hypnotist. as if the gratuitous and erratic movement of the hands would prompt my brain signals to do the same and scatter around the mind in search of the holy grail of the moment. and i'm not talking about bombastic words, i'm talkin' bout simplistic elementary shit. and it's annoying. but that's what happens when you wank too much.

i think hollywood should make a movie about our nation's current political turmoil. and the ending to be some fight club twist shit. like our country does not actually exist. like we're all just imagining each other, and independence. we're still the brit's bitches. infact the whole world doesn't exist, we're actually aliens hallucinating. tripping out in a big ass space ship on some kind of alien mushroom shit. as we wake up were like 'dewd that was fucked up man'. no i'm not even talking about the movie anymore, i'm talking like reality, now, right now, you know. like we're aliens in space and shit, exploring and shit, taking mushrooms cause it's fucked up being in space all the time. like surrounded by fucking pitch black bullshit all the time. but as we sober up we find out it's not that bad in comparison. unfortunately this mushroom was picked up in some random planet, and its ambivalency is just fucked up and next thing ya know we're all back on earth, back to hallucination, and we can't fucking get out.

so we're stuck here on earth, with human bodies, and human fragilities, and human idiocies. living with people who don't know that they're actually aliens and are tripping over intergalactic mushrooms. fucking arrogant holier than thou bitches acting like this is all real. but we're stuck with them, so to get by we waste our days getting high on anything we could get our hands on like milk or music or cotton buds, helplessly trying to float our way through this torturous life like a dumbfuck ..and then blogging about it.

you know sometimes like when you're doing something you realize that you have to do it a certain way or at a certain time to get optimum results. it's annoying right? like fuck, i'm not in the right frame of mind to do this, i'm gonna suck right now. well actually that's all just bullshit, that's all in the mind, the fucking mind. all you have to do is say fuck that i'm gonna do this right now even if i'm not in the right ___ (i have a word for this but it's just not coming to me right now i'll fill it up later, and no it's not 'mood'). fuck it right! i don't give a fuck, fuck getting optimum results, fuck perfection it doesn't exist, i'm gonna do it and that's how it's done, and that's just that, fuck it. just come out all guns blazing, nothing to lose, balls out.

kick the door open and shake your balls. make it fucking rain. make it fucking rain testicle sweat. wet the world with your manly mandomary. make it fucking flood, the flood will break all barriers. grarkh. i'm coming through baby. with that good shit good shit. pulling my one eyed snake out and making it hiss fffffffffFUCK IT loudly, as loud as a chick trying to pretend as if that anal banging she's getting is not painful. and then do whatever you're supposed to do, and do your best knowing that that's enough.

anyway, there's this really funny quote from supa hans to mark upon seeing mark with one of those one nighter with a wheel typa bags in the latest peep show (season 5 episode 5):-

"you got a bloody suitcase on wheels, real men don't get the earth to carry their luggage mate, they carry 'em themselves.."

waukhgeahgeakhugeakuga. fonnay.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

goodnight girls

so aku gi mamak ituh/ittewh.

untuk petama kali, kali nih aku tak amek nasik beriyani dengan sambal, instead dengan pasangan sebenar nasik beriyani, kuah-kuah yang menonggeng menunggu untuk dijamah rakus.

pastuh sebab aku lapar sangat, tak makan dari petang semalam dowh, aku order sekali rojak.

aku duduk kejap tunggu rojak. nih kira time a few minits seblom orang dari lunch hour sampai. tak ramai orang.

ada couple kat belakang aku tengah berjimak cam 'ahhh bang! tunggulah sayang! ahh ahh ahhh! apa lah sayang nih! cepat lah sayang! ahh sayang! sayang nak gi mana tuh? ahh!', apa lanchau tah.

mamak yang control pengkalan nasi kandar (kalau ada mamak lain tengah berlegar kat situ masa aku tengah datang sekalipown tetap mamat nih gak yang tekapai-kapai datang amekkan nasik, maknanya dia jeneral bahagian ini) tengah sangap tros dia start lah gaul kuah kuah kat situ. memang logik ada kuah yang bagos kalau gaul, tapi dia boleh plak belasah gaul sekali daging-daging yang kering tuh, macam, okaylah aku faham kau sangap, kalau aku takde keje ada aku amek satu lagi nasi kandar nak hilangkan sangap kau tapi takpe ah cukup ah dua bende nih ada kembung perot aku layan jap lagi sambil sambong tengok cerita the krays.

rojak aku siap. time tuh gak orang-orang dari lunch hour dah sampai. couple yang tengah asyik membuat hubungan kelamin kat belakang aku tadi pon dah senyap-senyap ala-ala kaver. mamak jeneral pengkalan nasi kandar pun dah campak sudu kuah pastuh capai sudu nasik cam 'boss, makan?'.

seblom bayar aku kasi angkat satu tin 100 plus dulu.

senyap je tempat nih. cuti skolah eh.

yeke. ye kot.


tableh blah pagi tadi layan awekz-awekz kat facebook. asallah chumel sangat dowh.

now enjoy tha anteatahz:-

Monday, May 26, 2008

kl's extinguished

read only if you're high or have nothing better to do or is bored and want to be bored further out of spite.

mission - reach destination by 9:30am.

normal route would take around 45 minutes to an hour.

preparation would take around half an hour.

must be awake by 8:30am.

accidentally slept early while watching a movie. nice dreams.

woke up to pitch darkness. doomsday? no. blackout caused by an international superpower about to colonize every country possible before its rival does? no. well it was a blackout, the evening before i saw about 5-7 big ass fire-truck lookalikes with 'silent generators' tagged on 'em. i thought some shit was going on, like maybe a sabotage was about to take place in the country which was detected by a recon mission. better be prepared for war, i slept with my ak. my ak is my dick.

erm. back to reality, i opened all my curtains. assumed that the outside world won't be as dark as this room, my assumption was right, my ass was banging. although the whole street was disabled light-wise, there was some coming from the other side. reddish light, enough for me to see. it was 12 on the clock, for awhile i was like fuck, mission failed, then i was like, fuck me, it can't be this dark on a 12pm. it could be though, maybe the international superpower blacked out the sun. err, don't think so, if they even try, our well trained hadhari astronauts will use their varied "knowledge" of space to halt it.

12am, still early i'm fucked. i stayed put, watching the street, it was as if nobody was there. maybe i'm left alone in the world like will smith, except that i wrote my own rhymes, erm. too much thinking so i grabbed my handphone and turned it on. at this moment nothing or nobody could surpass the importance of my handphone, to shed light on a period of darkness, to be the jamban's lighthouse in the journey of ships sailing straight from my bladder.

phew, moments later, civilization comes rushing back, lights, fans, ac, pc and all that shit. but i'm left only with a primal need for sleep. which dissapointingly, i did not cater to. instead, i watched this 2001 movie visitor q which involved incest, abuse, lactation, necrophilia, murder, etc. it didn't make any sense at all, exactly what's needed for my current mindstate. invasion paranoia. which is why i grab my dick everytime i hear a helicopter passing by.

all i need is a scene involving nipples and squirty lactation to keep my paranoia at a controllable state.

and so i feel asleep as the movie ended.

woke up at exactly 8:30am with the alarm ringing furiously. decided i need maybe just a teenie weenie bit of more sleep. put the alarm at 8:35am.

5 minutes is just a non-blink of an eye.

but somebody please explain to me why i am suddenly in a full-length dream.

i instantly woke up and literally went 'fuck!' upon the first realization that even though a dream could span a few weeks it would last only maybe a few hours in reality-time, that dream which prolly only spanned a few hours couldn't have lasted for only 5 minutes. went 'fuck!' before looking at the clock, but upon viewing my 'fuck!' was validated. i was set-back about half an hour.

which meant i have about almost one hour to arrive. minus half an hour of preparation, that would make it half an hour to arrive. so i cut preparation in half. no obligatory morning shit today. i guess the stomach will have to be content with the feeling of urgency for maybe 4-5 hours. 15 minutes preparation. 45 minutes to arrive. 5 minutes wasted just going down and starting the vehicle. 40 minutes. 5 minutes to get out tha hood.

now if i go the normal route i would never arrive on time. so i decided to use a new route. this is a gamble because i have never gone to the destination using it, i have gone back using it before and that was swift, no guarantees the same result the other way around tho nuhmeen. my only concern was traffic jams. alas, there was none. a stretch of this new highway takes only 10 minutes from one end to another (i timed it this time), so give or take 15-20 minutes of getting to that highway and going from it to the destination.

fuck, i have arrived on time.

the best part of all this is that, i wasn't even supposed to arrive on time like that, i could've come later and it would've made no difference whatsoever, it was just a personal target.

in other words, nobody really gives a fuck anyway.

i am bored.

if my sub-gray-matter's calculations are correct, when i get married, i'm going to take a cab to the ceremony. alone. driven by a chatty cab driver. into a colourful jakarta looking place. with fireworks and everybody running around here and there dressed in red. the roads are narrow, winding, and not tarred. the cabby's invited to the meal.

and i have no idea why i took the taxi alone.

this explains perfectly why i have an invasion paranoia. or as they call it paranoia invasionia.

call indonesia, we need their help to recapture singapore!

call china and india and russia and germany etc, we need manpower, infrastructures and weapons.

call thailand, we need elephants and beautiful women.

call canada and mexico, we need to launch opportunistic attacks upon news of an invasion underway.

guess who's about to invade.

argh. those helicopter or small private plane noises. argh.

call a cab, i need a lift to heaven. i'll pay as much as i can.

Friday, May 23, 2008

visions and sound

no more sickness, sweat comes back. it was fun being sweatless for a few days. i'm beginning to suspect that ninja cats are working shifts. whenever i see the gray one, the other is never present, whenever i see the gray with a little bit of orange highlights one (so remps), the other is not present too. but i've seen (spied on) them chilling out with each other and a few white-ish cats around them (must be they bitches nameen, ninja cats iz playaz) outside on the road and shit.

aight aight aight a few films i've been checking out, maybe some music too.

Peep Show (season 5)
one of my favourite tv shows ever. if you're not familiar, brit comedy/drama about two best friends, more on it in my old post nameen. it's just fucking hilarious, it's just straight out fucked up comedy. whaukgeakhuga. so the new season has started, and what's dope is that it's still dope. even more hilarious than before actually, much darker i guess.

about a buncha iranian girls who were trying to get into the stadium to watch iran vs. bahrain (whoever wins get to go to the world cup if i'm not mistaken). you see they're not allowed in, so some of them got caught and confined somewhere by the funny guards. it's very simple and dialogue-based. it's kinda cute too, how crazy the girls are about football, sho adorable, how they keep bullying (kinda) the head guard who was trying his best to be strict. the heartwarming part is the ending.

18 With a Bullet
THIS IS THE FUCKING SHIZNIT. on some latino thug shit. you know how i love mexican gangster movies like blood in blood out or american me. not that i was a member of vl bangsar or anything haha, but i dunno i just have a thing for brownish thugs more than otha gangsta shit. maybe cause i AM brown? i dunno. however this is not a movie, it's a BBC docu (props to BBC for always bringing us good shit). and it's the real thing, not mexican shit tho, san salvador shit, but it's almost the same with the slang and style and all, i mean the gang originated from LA anyway.

it's war between 18 and ms. this docu follows a buncha youngstaz and og's from the 18 gang (most of the og's are running the gang from prison through the youngstaz in the hoods). when i say follow it's not like you're an outsider looking in, cause this docu makes you feel like you're a friend of these thugs and shit. it's really in depth, the makers must've lived with dem for months.

you kinda feel some kind of connection with some of the characters maybe cause they could remind you of someone you know or a character from one of the mexican thug movies. like one of them looks and acts exactly like chuwey (or what's his name the dude always with a bandana on his head) from blood in blood out. he's the one with a lit cig in the first pic. some of them just remind you of a friend or some young dude you know or shit nameen. the leader of a neighbourhood franchise of the gang is like 16, and he's like jambu as fuck, you get me? if he lived here he would be in UIA doing law or something. but instead he is the leader of his neighbourhood's pack. i understand why tho, he seems like a really wise and smart dewd, that's why i said if he was here he would be nothing but a good student in some school or suttin'. there's the o.g. dewd who is funny and smiley smiley but a bit psycho and always fucks up but loves his wife and kids dearly.

the other o.g towards the end is my favourite, he's quite well spoken and looks like a charming dewd. like the psycho o.g who's one of his close friends, he's fucking crazy about the wife and kids too. the ending which involves what happens to this dewd is quite heartwarming.

the thing about these dudes iz you could quite understand why they had to choose the thug life. it's not like they live in a proper environment. being a gangsta is the most appealing career they could hope for i guess. all of them examined in this docu especially the younger ones seem to have lived they lives without proper upbringing. some of them don't even really want to live like this, they just wanna live like everybody else in this world, like US, you know? it's kinda shit wrenching thinking about it. like. fuck.

Does Snuff Exist?
Docu examining the existence of snuff movies. haha. takes me back to the days when i used to hang out at video rental stores playing the ps2 and watching abang-abang mat motors browse the 'secret' drawer. yawll surely remember faces of death and cannibal holocaust right? they interview the makers of those here among others. fuck, i didn't know that sula scene in cannibal holocaust was a real woman. no she wasn't killed or anything, she was actually sitting on a hidden bicycle seat. fuck. interesting docu. bedah you know you can't wait to watch this shit wahukgekuaekaga.

fuck. i hate horror movies. i mean zombie movies are okay, but this is not one of those common ones, this was a european one. it involved darkness, suspense, and really really really scary beings. i didn't have any intention of seeing it but my friend was hyping it up so much i just had to check it out. it did have a bit of a slow start, but i must say it got really scary considering especially i don't usually expect much fear to come out of zombie or monster movies. but that's an assumption born from having seen mostly american ones. i mean fuck, the ending, fuck. just think about it when you arrive at the ending. i can't stand the zombies, ergkh. after watching this i had like a paranoia that a zombie would attack me at any moment, so if anybody saw some fat dude carrying an axe in public places around some time earlier this month, that was me.

yeah it's dope. kinda hard to relate to a rat seeing as i've been trying like shit to get rid of them in this house, but yaknow, the magic of pixar. i have to say i still kinda liked the incredibles and iron giant more though. but still, good shit good shit nahmeen? it's nice that cartoons are still trying to tell stories that you could get really absorbed into you know.

East is East
okay i haven't even finished the movie, just watched a bit last night but went to sleep 1/4th of the way cause i had to get some sleep cause i had to go to work this morning (a rare occasion i must admit). but it's a brit movie i'm pretty sure it's gonna be good. all i wanna say though is that, err, well the movie's about the generation gap between an orthodox pakistani father, and his modern and mixed (pakistani + english) offsprings. i gotta say the offsprings are beautiful, so basically it's all about the mix innit. the point is err, since i'm brown, i need a white chick to be my wifey, i guess you know? preferably english cause i like the accent, but you know, japanese chicks can go too you know? i mean, whichever comes first. like when you go to the car service center they'll say things like after bla bla mileage or 6 months, whichever comes first, nameen? same with me, white chick or japanese chick whichever comes first let's make cute ass mixed spawns. come to think about it, both would be nice too you know, i mean depending on the situation. if first wifey ain't got no qualms bout a bruva gettin' a second one. fuck, I'LL LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN PROPAH, namsayench?!

Lars and the Real Girl
bout some dude who starts a psychotic (to everyone else at least, i haven't finished watching it thus not knowing what happens at last) relationship with a real-looking doll. well it was kinda boring so i didn't finish it.

About a Boy
wasn't really interested when it came out. but since i've been reading this nick hornby book 'how to be good' (more than half a year ..and counting) and it's dope, and i've watched the movie adaptation of another work of his high fidelity and it was dope, and i found out this was another adaptation of his shit, i just had to watch it right. plus Hugh Grant's in it. I mean some people might think he's corny but I think he's dope. He was dope in four weddings and a funeral and love, actually. he fits well into a certain kind of role and that's just that innit. oh yeah the movie's not bad.


now on to some music

DJ Jazzy Jeff - The Return of Magnificient
i've been checking out a lotta new hip hop but i'm only really really digging this one so far by the jazzy. yawll know that dude that always gets kicked out in Fresh Prince of Bel Air. yeah. his beats are dope and jazzy and soulful and groovy and all that shit. his choice of guest emcees is fucking dope too. i mean J-Live, Jean Grae, Big Daddy Kane, Kardinal Offishall, Method Man, CL Smooth, Peedi Peedi, and many more, like fuck, bada bing bada boom bomb diggy.


truthfully not been digging too many new music. most of my downloads now are throwbacks, like old school or just old shit, or just slightly older than now shit. a lotta old malay shit too. and jiwang shit. rnb too nameen. i'm mellow as shit.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

MAN UNITED OWNS. i cummed in my pants at a local mamak

quiet an uneventful night. except for err, i dunno, like err, MAN UTD WINNING THE FUCKING CHAMPS LEAGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah take that you other club bitches who keep bitching the whole season, especially arse supporters.

anyway, yeah, i guess i'll have to give props to man utd, they won the league, they won europe. so they the fucking shit right now.

i think this is the first time i ever talk about footie this season here, i used to talk about it all the time in this bitch of mine.

but times have changed. my passion might have been watered down a bit. kinda like a flavoured water being watered down by water. wow, that's prolly one of the most literal metaphors i've come across.

mm. maybe not living (anymore) with 14 other hairy males with the tendency to sleep-in-the-middle-of-the-lounge-with-balls-and-dick-wide-exposed whose lives depend on the match results of their various respective favourite teams does help, a bit.

however, i did watch the match with about 7 or more males of nearly the same order. but that's just it right, i'm not surrounded by them, they are a choice. it's like going to the lake gardens or something, i can make the choice to go to the lake gardens, but i'm not surrounded by it, so my life does not revolve as much around it as compared to if i lived in the middle of it. argh. i dunno, it's 8am and i haven't slept, i have the right to not make sense. although i vaguely think i did, i might find out later when my mind is more centered.

i wonder if i'll become like my pops or uncles whose knowledge of modern football is based on newspapers instead of actual matches. eventhough back then they were fanatics, my pops even took me to an english league match once, my uncle gave me a genuine aston villa jersey which i proudly wore ketat/tighty-ly as it was the 80's.

maybe not. it happened to wrestling though. like i used to be crazy about it just like my pops and uncles, but does not give a tinge of fuck anymore, at all. but wrestling is acting, it's way different, it's more subjective.

grrkkhh. what a glorious night. MAN UTD OWNED YOU BITCHES.

yeah i know some people think man utd fans are posers. but what the fuck do yawll know, yawll think just because you support some club that wins something once every five years yawll know more about football, yawll iz pure footie fans. fuck off. i chose man utd when i was a kid, i didn't know better, still i chose it for the right reasons, i liked maradona and his dribbling style, and ryan giggs played kinda liked that, i liked cool players, and eric cantona was just that, that was that, and i liked their whole trust on young players. i liked the way they play. isn't that enough reasonss to support a team? why do you listen to certain musicians? cause they sound good right? who gives a flying hobbit fuck if they're popular and 18 year old girls support them for no reason other than pop hype. who gives a fucking dildo fuck really. and i have never budged from being a man utd supporter, i stick to my guns homie, why? cause i fucking love it you bitches. i fucking love it and i'm happy to be able to enjoy simple pleasures.

and another played out shit is people bringing up local teams. you should support local teams bla bla bla instead of english teams. fuck you you're not the fucking major general of my fucking base. i do support a local team, they're called negeri sembilan, i've supported them since i was a kid too. i've been to a piala malaysia final. but now, i just don't feel like watching them, cause err.. it's pretty obvious don't you think? it's fuckeng boring. why lie to yourself and watch something out of principal or shit, fuck principals, i wanna enjoy myself. i escaped principals when i got out of school, now i'm pissing all over that shit.

a glorious night indeed. and a bitchy morning. i guess we all go off on meaningless tangents when we're pissed for no reason.

ahh i can smell napalm in the morning.

last night, i could've been in a peaceful apartment near the hills, sniffing the heavenly armpit of an angel. she could be riding me endlessly, no reality tv judge is about to critique her vocal works - so she moans with a careless pitch. waking up all creepy crawlies. keeping me in slumber as i am in a dream everyone would only dream to dream of. as my curious little bro explores every inch of her volcano, trying to find that one spot that will spark the core of the larva. as she explodes, i stare at her in awe enjoying the view. just like a volcano chaser, except that i'm not chasing, i have already formed the milky way inside her. but i pray for my swollen member to stay swollen for just a few more seconds so a synchronization of pleasure peak would seem to appear albeit faked. and my prayers are answered. and we end it with her smoking a cigarette, and me staring at the sky.. filled with smoke.

last night, i could've been driving a journey of no direction. ending up at a small town with no name. i could be walking towards the local tavern, walking in to only a few of the lot of them watching me for a split second, eventually uninterested. order a drink before talking to the bartender who is a middle aged wimmin with a high-school aged cleavage. she pours her wisdom on me as if i am every jug in her jurisdiction of the bar. a pity that i asked for milk as beverage (without vellocet (LSD), synthemesc (synthetic mescalines), drencrom (adrenochrome), or a knife which could sharpen me up for the old ultra-violence in it), she frowned like, this is a bar you pussy. but we kept on talking, still. she told me of how she left her husband, very typical female bartender tale. i listened anyway. she told me of how he abused her not physically but mentally. he was an intellect but had no idea how to treat any kind of humans at all except maybe scientifically cause she added that he kept a lab under their house that she suspected was a base for all kinds of genetic experiments. it would creep her like fuck but she had never been curious enough to go down. she would often wake up from a nightmare as if someone was screaming inside her head. by the time she decided to leave him he pleaded her to stay for his work was almost over and he could maybe treat her better, but she resisted. a week later, here she is. interesting, but, not really (i went in my head) so i pretend to look at my watch and go loudly darn gosh it's __ (insert time) already i gotta get going (always works when you wanna escape a dull scenario). i set my foot outside the bar. walking into the dark, onto my car. only to run back to the bartender.. chased by zombies left outside haphazardly banging the door held by the disinterested until now barmongers. the bartender turned to me 'have you seen zombie movies?', i say 'yeah', 'do they ever have sex scenes in the midst of action?', i say 'hardly', 'then we're about to be pioneers'.

last night, i could've stolen a lotta heavy drugs from a big time drug dealer and run straight to klcc. use it right in the middle of the shopping complex while it's closing. the guards see me, the guards alert the police. the police chases after me. halfway through the chase, i see one hobo looking dude and a few masculinated companions chasing after me too. is it an irony that i am chased by two differing ends of the law? maybe. i am the focal point of that irony if it is ever one. would i make it worse by suddenly err, running towards them instead? what do they do in this situation? do they stop and wait for me, or continue chasing? they chose the former, bad choice, i turned around again and ran towards the exit before hailing a cab outside. told the cab to just fucking drive! they had no choice but to hail cabs, themselves. it would've been really funny if they shared one but not everything has to be slapsticky humorous. so it was two cabs with different moral and legal notions chasing one. we bust through the streets of kl occasionally passing by mamaks being accomodated by noisy males focused on the projections of a projector. finally we come to a dead end. grand finale. the police goes are you 'hobo drug dealer's name'?! i said, the fuck no?! that's him (me pointing at the hobo who was also pursuing me). the police went, the fuck? lucky day can i say? he gives the other cop a high five, he captures the hobo and his masculine companions. the hobo giving me a snake hissing look. i stole his shit, walk away scot free with it, he gets caught. i go back home, cops oblivious to my pockets being refuge to at least a few thousand bucks of mind-altering intoxicators. i go back home tired, straight to sleep. i wake up late, go through the day as per usual. i sleep again the next night. i wake up again in the morning this time. but this time, no per usual day is gone through, i wake up with a gun to my head, hobo looking dewd pointing it, masculine companions all around my bed. no more snake hissy looking face. hobo is now smiling slyly. he throws a newspaper accurately to the side of my head, i tilt it a bit assuming i am being forced to read. 'two policemen and a cab driver slaughtered in drug-related bloodbath'. fuck fuck fuck, i close my eyes. BOOM BOOM BOOM BLAOW BUCK BUCK BLAOW. i open my eyes. my rose mcgowan lookalike girlfriend leaning at the door with cleopatra's swagger. rubbing an mp5 sub machine-gun slowly between her legs.. she goes 'baby all this blood makes me wanna fuck'. i go 'to put it in borat terms, bloody sexytaimz?!'. she goes 'yeah baby'. 'come here and let me bloody fuck you already bitch'.

but instead, i chose to chill at a nearby mamak with a buncha outside homies as we couldn't find a spot at more happening places. cheering and making noise inside a small proximity resident to a population of 99.9% males. watching a screen projecting two groups of males going after the same ball trying to fit it into something guarded. hugging each other tightly and joyfully at every confirmation of successful insertion. hugging each other tightly and joyfully even more after inserting more than the other group of males. wow.

yet i'm here, 9:45am, way after the aftermath of this "man"ly event, with a big fucking smile on my face.

life is fun, if you choose to ignore the gory details.

we fucking won you week pawn bitches.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

penyangak berpolitimkaiiiahhhhhhhhhhhhh

hahu. pagi tadi aku terbangun sebab tido awal. beli mee hoon ganja. layan makan.

lepas makan mana leh tido aku layan itu youtube. layan klip klip dari parlimen.


skrang kalu orang tanya next elections nak vote mana senang je aku cakap kau gi tengok parlimen nye clips, kau gi tengok secara general calon dari parti mana yang bodoh-bongong nok mapuh macam bangkong.

kita kembali kepada isu ini sekejap lagi ye.

sebelum tuh.

tun m keluar dari umno ape citeh? haha. gila drama.

sorry ah orang-orang umno, tapi aku rasa cam umno nih parti yang tak relevan, dan dah memang hancor lama dah. korang tengok sendri ah, dari 4 bekas pm, berapa orang sekarang yang keluar umno, 3 kan?

ini bukan masalah ahli-ahli umno, aku relek je kerja dengan umno, bukannya derang jahat ke apa ke, okay memang ah orang atasan mostly cam cibai perangai. tapi asas, dasar atau basis umno tuh sendri, dah outdated, takde kena mengena dah. sebab tuh tokoh yang tolong buat umno (umno lama) sendri keluar umno.

tak kemana deh melayu nih, agama tak ajar nak assabiyah bla bla bla perkauman puki lanchau nih. tolong ah wey fikir pasal negara, pasal jiran-jiran kita tak kesah ah dia kuning ke hitam ke asam jawa ke. pegi mampos ah dengan melayu. melayu nih bukan kaum, melayu nih penyakit. ingat sket kalau kau tuh dah muslim takde kena mengena melayu dengan hidup kau. mungkin melayu tuh buleh jadi warna kulit kau ke cara kau cakap ke warna rambut kau ke bulu jembut kau lebat ke tak ke konek kau besar ke tak ke pantat kau ketat ke longgar ke, itu je ah, dia buleh bezakan kau dengan orang lain, tapi tak lebih daripada surface sahaja. yang lain lain takyah nak kecoh aku pelangkung jugak.

(nota: memang ah pantat melayu generally ketat (chewah macam tau padahal virgin), tapi kalau asek dah kena taram setiap hari lobos lah juga ia ye cam omputih).

kalau dah asas pun tak bleh blah apa gunanya pun. lagipun patot kita takyah ah nak pikirkan pasal parti, pikir pasal negara nih lah bodoh. parti buleh bertukar flavour bila bila je, asalkan parti tuh buleh tolong elokkan negara nih, takde corruption and shit bla bla bla jalan je. takde issue loyalty fuck that shit, ini bukan gangster (tapi bila sebut perkataan nih aku paham lah kenapa ramai yang loyal kat party). ini bukan gangster doh, gangster machiavelli-ish. ini pasal negara dengan rakyat doh, faham ke tak nih, nak kena ketuk kepala dengan lampu ke baru paham.

so apa pedulik tun m keluar umno. apape pasal umno dah tak relevan untuk masyarakat sekarang nih. kecuali kalau nak sedut duit diaorang, sedut je, pastuh vote kang vote orang lain, vote parti bebas pun takpe. cuba tengok mamat nih, calon bebas yang selamba je badass kat parlimen, habis semua kena sonn, dunny.

sila fokus kat trial corruption charges dia. aih kebetulan je ke doh time time camnih lak tetiba nak keluar umno. haha pandai pandai. tapi sorry ah, rakyat skang kan cam duluh. duluh senang nak kontrol and pengaroh sebab mahathir pandai. skang tak dapat ah jack.

sebab umno skang incompetent sangat dah terbongkar banyak bende, lagipun sekarang internet dah maju jack. dulu mahathir leh selamba je control media massa macam komunis (pastuh nak salahkan pak lah, pandai betollah orang orang umno nih, pak lah setakat teruskan je apa yang dia start), sekarang atau sejak reformasi ramai gantung kat internet je pasal nak dapat info yang betul bukan yang asik dok kena tapis macam air mani yang kena tapis condom yang berlubang-lubang kecik.

(tapi papahal pun jangan nak buat alasan sebab media internet bn kalah. tolong lah kosser mak. media internet semua orang leh access derang je yang tak geti capitalize. tapi itupun setakat mana pun internet sampai, takdenye sampai kat kampong kampong. lagipun orang atau tempat ada internet je sampai. media massa mana mana bleh, media massa semua lapisan rakyat dapat. dan lagi senang sebab takyah nak baca ke apa ke banyak sangat guna otak cam internet. itupun kau control tapi tak berkesan nampak sangat lah bongek).

aku ingat lagi dulu masa reformasi, setiap hari aku kene check website yang tah sape buat untuk news news anwar so aku leh report kat bapak aku yang tanya setiap hari. lepas tuh sebab reformasi ah bapak aku rasa cam elok pasang astro kat rumah.

nak harap berita rtm tv3? AH PELANCHAU. tunjuk tempat tempat takde kena mengena dengan demonstrasi. kalau tunjuk pun tunjuk muka anwar tengah cakap zoom tak ingat nye tak nak kasi tunjuk crowd yang ramai gila. pandai kaunya kontol. kat media luar baru tunjuk video video betol.

itulah masalah paling besar kerajaan nih. dia buat rakyat macam orang bodoh. kalau rakyat memang bodoh silalah terpengaruh.

haha. takde ah aku bukannya sokong pembangkang ke apa ke. aku tak vote pun. kalau aku lepak dengan orang umno aku buat ah macam aku gila anwar (auw seksi you), kalau dengan orang keadilan ke aku dengan bangganyalah puji umno tak habis sambil bermantra umno dulu kini dan selamanya!. saje suka suka takde keje. aku just nak malaysia nih jadi best je, tak kesah ah parti pelanchau apa yang control.

kalau parti tuh namanya PARTI PELANCHAU sekalipun, kalau dah bagos dan bersih aku selamba je sokong. malah aku sanggup pakai t-shirt PARTI PELANCHAU walaupun lambangnya hanyalah seekor konek 3d yang menghadap muka anda. konek tuh pun takde ah besar sangat sebab konek mesia. apakah lanchau.


balik kepada parlimen ye kawan kawan.

korang gi ah tengok clip clip parlimen. ahli ahli parlimen bn semua cam gelabah nok mapuh. kalau dulu dulu leh lah derang buli pas dengan dap (lagi lagi lim kiat siang). sekarang pembangkang dah maken banyak hambek kau.

kalau pembangkang tengah cakap something dengan penuh well spoken and shit, nanti ada je bn bodoh menyampuk pastuh cakap bende takde mengena cam contoh:

mamat pas ke pkr - kerajaan patut start buat bende nih
mamat gelabah bn (kj kot) - apa kata kau buat kat negeri kau dulu?

okay memang ah lepas tuh mamat pas ke pkr tuh dengan cool-nya jawap balik and mamat gelabah bn teros kena SONNED. tapi takyah dia jawap pun kau tahu betapa bodoh dan tahap tadika-nya pemikiran gelabah bn nih. fikir sindri ah. kalau dah takleh jawap secara intelek atau bagos, turun ah tahap tadika.

memang mostly camtuh ah mamat mamat gelabah bn kebanyakannya melayu, kan aku dah cakap doh, penyakit. ada mamat mamat bn yang bagus yang interak dengan pembangkang dengan elok. ada yang dari sabah relek je kutuk bn dalam parlimen. tapi mostly yang alpha male nih macam berok.

ada sorang nih tak habes habes nak jerit. jerit tah hapa hapa cam bodoh. ada yang bn nih asik nak melalot takde point je. orang semua tengah bincang pasal negara. gila bodoh.

aku cakap kau. kalau aku lahir jadi orang baru sekarang, tapi cam keluar je lahir teros umur aku cam 20 lebih. pastuh aku cam nak vote kan. pastuh aku cam tengok ah video video nih.

takyah nak piker banyak aku tahu lah nak vote mana. kalau dah orang biasa yang well spoken lawan anjing anjing menyalak macam tak betol. haha.

tapi ada ah yang well spoken, cam kj ke, tapi isik dia still cam kera gak kan. sekali kena dengan lim kit siang. haha. oxford eh? orang cakap pasal benda metaforikal, dia tiba-tiba nak berlagak pandai buat muka cool cakap macam ustaz konon. tolong sket, malu weh, malu kene sound weh.

lagi satu kelakar yang babi negara tuh. kj ingat dia cool kutuk pkr projek khinzir raksasa. haha pastuh dia cam ingat dia cool. sekali ada sorang mamat nih cam dengan spontan di dalam keadaan chaos cipta pbn projek babi negara, tapi dia pandai sebab dia cakap PBN. kj cam dah gelabah siapa babi negara? siapa babi negara? siapa babi negara? wakugeagaehukga, padahal orang cakap PBN bukan BN. teros gelabah habes, wakhugeagaegukga. mesti dia cam kat rumah cam bangga dia cipta abbv PKR tuh cam on the way drive gi parlimen senyum kambing memikirkan aksi cool dia nanti. sekali kena balik teros gelabah ternyalak-nyalak wahukgeagueaukgeaukga. tabley blaargkh. paling best bila keluar PBN tuh macam ramai tersenyum dan tergelak wakhugeaukgaekuhga cam kelakar. cam gelabah gelabahs bn nak buat aksi tadika, ah pembangkang buat aksi budak sekolah rendah buli budak tadika. wagaeuhaega tergelak gelak cam U MADDD U MADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. CAM'RON RULEZ! DIPSET DIPSET DIPSET!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

pulling me up to the clouds

agak pelik drive sambil bukak tingkap tengah tengah panas tapi tak berpeluh langsung langsong. lagi pelik bila jalan kaki tengah tengah panas tapi tak berpeluh langsung langsong. ada sikit sikit je keringat peluh yang kering sebelum before aku sempat nak lap pon.

pelik lagi bila seorang yang bersuara macho kerana sebab demam dengan infeksi infection tekak macam aku nih beli makanan banyak gila kat pasar tengahari tuh. macam, yo, patut orang tak sihat nih takde selera, apecite doh?!

kelakar dua dua kepelikan itu bagi aku. aku ada sakit peluh banyak tapi bila cam demam peluh tak keluar, so kira macam sebab sakit aku jadi sihat dari segi lain. tapi macam ah bagus tak keluar peluh, lagi lah bahaya kot. cam banyak sangat bende nak keluar tapi tak keluar, cam terpendam je. last sekali dia keluar dengan air kencing, habis air kencing kau masin, kalau kau kencing kat kolam ikan air tawar meloncat keluar lah ikan itu macam eh babi! nih sungai ke laut?!, pantek tol. kalau cam kari mamak tuh tak cukup pawer, rasa rasa cam malas nak mintak mamak tuh pawerkan, bukak jelah zip kau tuh lantas..........

anyway. mengenai selera, memanglah betul kalau sakit memang takde selera. tapi sejak kecil kecik lagi aku dah dapat selesaikan kebuntuan ini.

memang ah takde selera. lagi lagi pasal deria bau malfunction kejap kan. tapi dia camnih, memang masa kau tengah demam dan lemah tuh kau tengok makanan cam malasnya nak makan siot, malasnya nak masukkan bende dalam mulut semua, bla bla bla. tapi once kau dah makan, kau akan ada selera sikit, melalui deria lidah, and makin lama kau makan kau akan lupa kejap yang kau tengah sakit. jadi masalahnye ialah is that first bite je, once kau dah get through that tadehalnya kot. macam menjilat erm, menjilat apa ah, haha kau piker sindri larkh malas adik nak memikirkannya. tapi demam demam nih horny pun leh tahan, cam horny leh buat lupa demam jugak. camtu camtu ah. pemende lu nih mat.

Monday, May 19, 2008

dirty south diaries, ninja cat?

sometimes i would be late 10-20 minutes for school and the asshole prefects would smile and take my name down and start chastizing me. unless if it was that non-asshole prefect who happened to be the first malay christian i ever met. he was too nice. but most of the time it would be name taken down, as if it has any other effect than the prefect feeling some kind of dumbfucking superiority. then since you'll get held up you'll be late for the class and you have the annoyed teacher to face. argh. sometimes you come across the disciplinary teacher who will start pulling your hair, telling you to cut this and that, while randomly hurting random parts of your body like ears or cheeks or shit.

but here comes the paradox.

my daily trip to school is random. sometimes my pops would drive me. sometimes a neighbour. sometimes my friend's ride.

this one day i had no ride at all. i forgot why. i didn't know where to go. and then i was reminded of one of my friend who was always late. i walked to his house.

i must've runged his fucking doorbell 69 times. then someone answered, it was his pops with no shirt on and looking like he just got out of bed and a bit pissed off but still managing to sport a polite albeit shabby smile. he simply said my friend is not going to school. i said 'ok'. he closed the door. what an anti climax.

and sooooooooooooooooooo.

but first lemme tell you how i usually get home from school. it was either by bus (but rarely) or walking along this shortcut through the jungle. i had never needed to use this shortcut to go to school before until now.

i was totally hesitant at first, but i don't know i just went through it. through the fucking jungle, trees and shit, nahmeen? dodgy rivers that could be a nest to crocodiles, and two lean tree trunks as the bridge. this bridge is the worst part of the journey. requiring balance and lightness, both i doth not possess. but i am glad i never fell, it could've happened, but no i'm still here sitting down writing bullshit in this blog instead of in the crocodile's armitage shanks, pasty and stinky.

sweating like mad and already at least an hour late for school i entered the civilized part of the journey. the tar road leading up to the dreaded school entrance full of smartly dressed police wannabees.

and so i reached the gate. that fucking thing was wide fucking open, i walked peacefully to my class. the class hasn't even started for some reason. nobody noticed. everything just went on as usual. no name taken, no teacher staring at you like you were a crook, no shit.

dope right? the teacher strolled in with a morning smile. and began the lesson. i was naively trying to hide the sweat, like who gives a fuck i sweat a lot regardless anyway right. fucka.

it was actually all about accidental good timing. it was a monday, there was a gathering for the whole school. when i arrived, i'm guessin' it was when everybody was just starting to enter class including the prefects. the teachers are maybe in their place gettin' they shit togeva or on the way to class. to get to my class was easy, right after the school gate take a straight right, a shortcut going down a small and hill then up the stairs (but i had no idea why the gate was wide open, both parts of it).

bla bla bla. the conclusion is, i should be a bankrobber.

this morning. i was going out, ninja cat looked at me like 'good morning homie where's mah food.. bitch'. i was like 'aight aight aight', and poured down the food. the plate was on the left side of mah car. so i went to the right side to start the engine. then i try to go around the back of the car to sneak up on ninja cat, maybe try to touch him/her/whateva.

the moment a bit of me popped out from the car's anus, ninja cat instantly turned his head which was facing the delicacy and stared at me. shit this dewd is fucking alert. i hid a bit. waited for a while. and slowly paced back out. dewd is still lookin' at me. aight aight aight. you really alert doggy, i mean catty. i tried going round the front of the car as the only innovation possible to my sneak strategy other than going up on the car's roof. and *poof* ninja cat is gone. fuck this dewd is goot. props due yo.

shit i'm fuckin' sick right now. some kind of ulcer or whatever infecting my nasal. that's the worst, it's like you can't speak comfortably. to speak comfortably you have to avoid proper pronunciation and be sengau. fuck, i'm popping pills and all sorts of shit and it still won't go away. i'm starting to sneeze constantly and feeling a fever coming up too.

no phone sex tonight ladies aight?!?! unless if sengau is your thing. afterall akon, sean kingston, and t-pain are 'in' nowadays. ain't it. fucking bitches with awful funny voices making mils. fuck yawll.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

so cool, man

fuck. these telemarketers. piss me off. i've gotten like at least 3 calls in 2 weeks. wow. what iz up witchyawll?

just a while ago:

'selamat tengahari'
'selamat tengahari'
'ini encik nama nama nama bla bla bla, kami dari bla bla bla, kami ingin menganjurkan bla bla bla, hanya 20 orang terpilih untuk bla bla bla'
'encik busy ke?'
'nanti saya call pukul 1:30 ye?'
'jangan lupa cakap selamat tengahari nanti'

wahkugeahkuhukga aight aight i made up some of the dialogue but you get the point.

argkh. can't a brotha get some sleep. i'm not a 9-5 person. if i have work i do it at around 2am - 9am. if i have a meeting i'll go early morning and by lunch i'm fucking having my lunch and is probably not wanting to give a fuck about anything else. so please don't call me if you're not a chick fiending for some phone sex, or a dude fiending to meet me somewhere to pass me a lotta cash.

and these fucking smses. maxis had some kinda anti-spam add. but fucking hotlink is spamming my ass everyday. and clubs too, zouk maison whatever whatever, but that's actually my fault. last year there were a few goot events unfortunately located at shitty clubs and i foolishly entered my phones and shit for no goot reason other than the club survey chick asking for it having a cleavage. argh. now they be spamming my shit every week.

annoying. there are many other methods for marketing. some people just don't buy into annoyance, get it? telemarketing is the worst. i feel sorry for the dewds and dewdettes who have to work telemarketing. they were prolly duped into it. going into jobstreet applying for a fancy title like say 'sales executive' or 'marketing executive'.

wow. and then they have to call people, and their jobs will depend on it. call-out jobs are the worse. you have to call people like me who will respond with intermitten 'hums' and 'uhuhs' and then after the end of the conversation goes calmly 'not interested'. yes, i'm pretty sure if somebody goes earlier 'it's okay it's okay no need to continue i'm not interested' the telemarketer won't break a sweat or nothin'. but mine is usually like this:

'hi mr. bla bla we bla bla bla bla bla bla'
'bla bla bla bla bla bla'
'bla bla'
'bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla'
'bla bla bla bla'
'so mr. bla bla bla. bla bla bla. are you interested?'
'i dunno'
'will you be free on bla bla bla 9 am?'
'no i'm working'
'what about 7 pm?'
'i'm working around that time too'
'erm, what about bla bla this day where no one works, say 2pm with free lunch?'
'oh no i have a manicure appointment exactly that time'
'vet appointment'
'you have a pet?'
*hangs up phone*

anyway. yeah. that's just that innit.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

bagai lukisan

just came back from watching AF for the 1st time this season around. i swear it was an accident. i was just chillin' on the sofa and shit, flippin' the fricking telly. i was watching 'hip hop countdown' on mtv, not surprisingly there wasn't much hip hop going on, so i flipped the channels, and i ended on an Akademi Fantasia repeat.

i don't watch AF much now since i live alone, when i wasn't i just couldn't escape it. it was always on especially considering all of mah siblings are female. there's no embarrassment from watching it for me tho, cause i like to watch the judges talk. for some funny reason.

fuhreel dawg. look at the judges just now, og hawt, ning baizura hawt, IDA NERINA MASSIVE AMOUNT OF CUMMY CUMMY PARADISE HAWTNESS. wow she's so fucking hot. hot hot hot. panas. chaud. heiß. caldo. горяче. caliente. 뜨거운. daym she's hot. the way she speaks. her face just lights up the whole arena, cause if you actually pay attention to the surroundings, the AF show organizers did not use any actual lighting at all. yeah all those lights came from ida nerina's body. the red lights came from her mouth, the yellow lights from her skin, the dark lights from her hair, the pink lights from her nipples, the darkish red from her love to me (her heart) .. and the white lights from my love to her. wakhkgeahkukgeaga.


she's hawt, the way she talks, fucking hot. hot hot hot. i have a tatoo that says ida nerina inside my skin. if you peel my skin off and flip it 180 degrees you can see it. it's everywhere, it's like fucking polka dot, it's like on of those baju melayus made out of cloths that has brand names written all over it in repeat.

in the malay 3gp porn scene we have a new genre called 'ida nerina lookalikes'. there's 2 so far. wow. not as hot as the real thing, but still, it's enough.


about those organisms singing on stage, who gives a fuck really. they're gonna end up getting every single drip of their souls squeezed out and fucked by maestro anyway.

but ida nerina. she stays being ida nerina.

she could start a war.

if she started a war, i am fucking rambo.

i am shooting every fucker with arrows.

planting claymores on colonial bombs.

appearing behind enemy bosses.

making other people inspired to kill.

but the similarities with john ends there.

cause i WILL end up smothering the girl.

ida nerina (well since she's not single maybe her daughter who looks exactly like her).


erra fazira is hawt too. in that movie cuci. she's old and shit, but she's still hawt as fuck.

the girls in dunia baru, not bad. give me one. mmmmmmmmm.

Friday, May 09, 2008


i have previously more than a few times mentioned and put on a 88-storey pedestal the badassness of indo construction workers. now it's time for me to honour a more artsy side of them indos. rock n roll baby. props to meeruh for pointing this total badasseriness to me. i must put this on my blog so i would never forget it, and so that i could show it to my spawns one day. i have nuthin' else to say but rollin rock!

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

recently, what have i watched + i'm welsh, but i've never fucked a sheep

i have a few movies i'm looking forward to, but i have to wait for cinema releases to watch 'em since there's no advanced lanun copies. even if there were, it would be really ugly copies. so fuck it right. i wanna watch forgetting sarah marshall, and pineapple express, both involving freaks and geeks alumni & judd apatow, fcourse. maybe i would wanna watch that ben stiller gang kinda movie with robert downey jr. what's-it-called too. maybe i could watch my first ever shyamalan movie too, cause the new one stars marky mark and cool ass leguizamo. but then again, i've always avoided shyamalam like it was a tv series called heroes. still, maybe i should try it. and that new indiana jones, doesn't look too bad. maybe a few more, i dunno, watching trailers while lining up to buy cinema tickets hurts cause those movies are not on sale. there are some interesting movies. i might even look forward to that love movie too. sigh i dunno. dark knight? oh for sho.

i also know i definitely itched and really wanted to watch iron man, before i finally did and ejaculated in the cinema. it was pure pop corn box office shit done nicely, that's all, and the armours/robots are fucking beautiful (take note michael bay). post 90's, or post 80's comic adaptations, this one and batman begins (and soon enough dark knight) take the fucking cake.

as i was typing that last sentence i got a mild shock when i saw something tiny on the keyboard. my impulse thought it was a small cicak (weetle lizards) and my heart jumped a bit for no reason. phew it was a lost strand of towel fabric. hahahuhu. loser.

realizing that 2008 movies are cinema-waiting materials, i decided to use my ignorance to fulfill my need to lie down and watch movies. how? by looking up 2006 2007 (or in one occasion 2001) movies i've ignored, fcoarse. bumped into a few.

was tun, wenn's brennt? was the 2001. german movie, english title - what to do incase of fire? (you'll get the answer propah in the movie). have you ever seen a feel-good punk movie? me neither, this is one. it's not bad really, you know i love happy happy funny movies. 5 or 6 in a gang, a bomb which only exploded yearsssssssss after it was planted by them punks. of course by this time most of them have already moved on, except two dewds who are still system-haters, they decided to find the rest and try to solve together the problem they would be facing with all the police force probing. not too bad of a plot. buddy movie. yeah, not too bad, that's how i would describe ot, infact i've already done so on more than two occasions already, in this very same paragraph. i'm sorry, i'm tarded.

grandma's boy. stoner movie. starring nearly all of adam sandler's sidekicks. the main dewd, i kinda like him he's cool. i hate nearly all of adam sandler's new shits by the way (but happy gilmore still kicks mad ass). the voice he uses to woo ladies, wow that is a voice that could cause nuclear combustions directed at him. this is a cool ass movie though, his sidekicks are still cool to me. funny movie. funny. okay concept. the fact that the main dewd is a video game tester might've hit my soft spot a bit thow.

waitress is a movie about a chick dealing with pregnancy, okay deja-vu, juno. but don't worry no pretentious dialogue. the thing about this movie is there is a long-ass build-up (which i didn't realize until it ended) that at one point started to piss me off. and then everything just falls down together in one moment and i was like daym that was nice. erm, how to explain, it kinda created this tension, and in the end it will all make sense. sumin' like that. the main actress is kinda nice looking.

lonesome jim. i watched this last night. it's pretty nice. buscemi directed it. ben stiller's younger brother starred, and the hot ass liv tyler. a 2007 movie as is waitress, and to me, a similarity in terms of creating an unspoken tension. i dunno man, it's not bad, you know. involves a lotta unhappy grumbly peoples and one very chirpy optimistic mother who is very lovable but highly underappreciated. making me start to think what the fuck is wrong with all these whiny white boys. to think they created emo too. these fucking white boys. fuck yawll.

i kinda watched this japanese movie too which was about some samurai dewd who lost his sight. and then his wife was fucked by someone. and shit. but i kinda forgot the title cause i deleted it cause i found it to be quite boring alltho nicely done. still, a bore's a bore. proof? i fell asleep in more than five different instances watching it, it took me nearly 3 weeks to finish this one movie.

i think that's about it. not that i write about everything i watch, just some shit i wanna write about. i have a few more downloaded shits to watch. can you believe i haven't watched ratatouille? being a big fan of iron giant and the incredibles i should've already. but i have this thing against cartoons, they don't appeal to me at all as an adult. not that i'm saying i'm matured or something. it's kinda like black and white movies. i just don't like the medium, or the format of the medium, but sometimes brilliant movies are just made using those formats and shit. and it would transcend that, you knahhmeen? sumin' like that tho. it's like i could watch a really dope cartoon or black and white movie and really be drooling all over it, but afterwards i would find it really difficult to watch another one. for some reason. anybody ever feel the same way. i dunno. if you're a cute chick holler.

oh and, HOUSE MD still rulez! i still love it. despite the fact that he's still roughly doing the same shit every episode, and his co-stars brand new as most of them are, still pale in comparison. except maybe cuddy cos she kinda ha-ha-ha-ha-hawt tah meh. huhu. there's this one really dope scene in one of the new episodes. house is walking towards a lift, on the way he bumped into wilson, they walk together while starting a serious conversation about something they had discussed way earlier. the lift door was about to close when house flips out his cane, which held the door, and they enter, another dewd in it. wilson continues whining, and house then calmly delivers his take on things, wilson listens carefully, and as house is deep into his explanation, he unbeexpectadestly (but nonchalant as ever) takes out a syringe and injects the neck of the other dude in the lift. wahukghkeahgeakuga. the WTF look on wilson's face is fucking priceless, totally priceless, like WTF are you doing house? wakuhgkheageakuhgkua. i don't know why, it was funny as fuck, despite knowing the background story which i will not reveal. it was funny as fuck i was laughing like a bitch. wow. raw comedy.

and another one, BARNEY HAS FINALLY FUCKED SCHERBATSKY! take that you cunting ass ted mosby. how did ted react? he de-friended barney ooooooooo what a pussy goonie goo goo woonie poo poo fuck you boo hoo. fuck you. barney owns ya ass. scherbatsky is smoking hot and angelic, at the same time. mm. come to papi. papi suck yow canadian nippies.

and uh, you know how stupid and sheepish humans are. ergh. just this morning, me and a mercedes were 2nd in row on a two laned road waiting for the traffic light to turn green so we could turn right, right. for some reason the two cars infront of us decided to jump the red light. and suddenfuckingly nearly all the cars behind us are fucking HONKING? what the fuck? i was like, what the fuck stupid? and all this while there are cars on the opposing lane crossing the junction, and if we turn right we have at least a bit of a chance of hitting them no? yes? you schtewpeed inbred cunt. no they weren't trying to get us to jump the red light, they were just plain dumbnutting sheep idiots who thought that just because the two cars infront of us moved we should be moving too. LOOK AT THE FUCKING LIGHT you numbnuts, it's fucking RED, you fucks are not colorblind, you're stupid regardless. good thing both me and the mercedes stood our grounds and waited till the light turned green. not that i'm against running red lights, i do it all the time, often on this very same junction too, but only when there are hardly cars around, this is busy time you fucking arsecunts. and that's really out of the question anyway, they were just being stupid sheeps. two people go, now everyone wanna go. monkey see monkey do. two monkeys fuck a sheep, the others want to fuck a sheep too. go fuck a sheep you sheeps.

oh yeah

btw, maybe a lil bit late, but please please please plazz chek diz out n vota fahr it on the radio and shit (details click here):-

it's fuckan dope. listen to it here or here.

kami emcee rogue squad and yawh we hit hard

i tell you ah, if you ever felt like shitting in a shopping complex, do it in one utama. woohooo. first off they have water. most shopping complexes especially ones in central kl only provide tissue, it's not wet-friendly. in one utama there's a whole bunch of water.

but that's not the main point. the main point is the jet stream of the wattah. wow, point that shit to your anus hole and it will knock everything out of the way, even your skin off if you're lucky. it's so fucking strong, or forceful. it feels gooooooooot. i don't need help from the hands and fingers.

it's like anal massage. phewh. my ass feels rejuvenated.

this is not a paid entry. go to one utama now, and take a shit (assuming you practice cleaning ya a-hole afta a session).

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

the ritual

i guess if you're doing work at home, the safest choice for winamp is r&b or good old malay ballads/rock kapak.

listening to jazz is a no-no. i don't mean michael buble norah jones jazz are those jazz anyway, ok safe jazz maybe. i meant like wanking jazz, like some miles davis or coltrane or shit. it can fuck up your heartbeat pattern and in turn fuck up your work.

it will bring you to dark places. and you can't do work in dark places cause like duh, it's dark, there's no light, duh, how am i supposed to do work.

not that i'm doing work or anything, just a thought. i mean jazz music has a very fucked up stream of tempo/beat, it could switch at any time whereas r&b for instance has the same bpm the whole fucking song. so it doesn't attract too much of your attention and as you slowly get deeper into your work it creeps into your subconscious and stays there and doesn't bother you too much.

i might be doing something that's good for the advancement of my artificial career part of life soon. i don't know if it's a good thing or not, cause i'm just one of those dudes who doesn't give a fuck about the world. i see through form, structure, protocol, and civilization. i see through all that and all i wanna do is avoid it. i wanna be free from all that. but if i was i would amount to nothing. and this is a nothing i can't avoid because all of that is what determines what's nothing and what's something and the something that i could achieve from not heeding all that does not exist cause i am where all that rules.

i prefer doing something that doesn't require much thought, or like/love, and get paid for that. but no good opportunities just yet. so those are just side shit. for now.

maybe i should be an actor. i act so good up to the point i'm given a chance to move up in the artificial career part of me. i'm sorry (to some people) but it was all an act. the real me is a formless arsehole. hoping that when i die i get sent to heaven. i'm sorry atheists and nihilists, you dewds are cool but your beliefs of what happens afterlife is mostly dull. i prefer to believe in heavens, and fucking angels, with wings the size of a fucking planet. i have made my choice to believe in what some people might perceive as fairy tales, so fucking what.

i wanna be sent to heaven. so i could chill and not do all these humanly bullshit born from civilization. maybe i should have been a gorilla, fuck all day. then die and get sent to heaven, but then again i wouldn't have the right brain cells to enjoy more shit. maybe i could be given a human brain when i get to heaven. and the body of a human. or what i am now. from a gorilla. to me. and in heaven. i will fuck all day, drink cunt juice from the cunt river, all day. get sent to earth so i could have an adventure but with superpowers straight from a higher being.

i rule T_T

btw, that fucking IRON MAN was crack! it was the fucking shit. robert downey jr. is fucking dope. that iron man armour, that is sex in armour form, i would love to rub my cock against it, all day long baby. i watched that shit at 2am in the cinemas, and i was sleepy as fuck, coupla times i dozed off unbemeaningfully but woke up in a jolt when the iron man armour was onscreen, INSTANT BONER! it was dope okay. simple ass comic book movie. i think along with batman begins, the best comic book movies so far. fuck spiderman. eat a dick cookie emo fag. go fucking rip off an umbrella and parade it around times square you dickwad.

Monday, May 05, 2008

ninja cat #3

a bit of foot sighted.

"don't take a shit inside .. or i'll ban you from this house"

apparently there's more than one or two, there's probably four, or more. it's like a ninja gang. all out of work after the political tsunami.

wow. i need to take a shit. go buy food. and eat. no more stomach hurting instant noodles.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

5 first shits

Disclaimer: I am a self indulger, and that's what people do on blogs, most of them at least. So please don't read this entry, at all, it's long, and you shouldn't give a fuck. I repeat, don't read this entry. Thank you.

Oh and also, if you were expecting a literal elaboration of the topic, prepare to be dissapointed. What kind of pathetic loser would remember his/her first 5 shits anyway, definitely not my kind of pathetic loser.

In that spirit, I start with the tale of my first boner, possessing the same anti-drama/grandiose qualities of my first wank and my first doggy style. Just me playing around with a female childhood friend, dick grazed her back. WOWZA. Let's do that again. It was like a grope rape scene, but with like two 7 year olds, I didn't know if she was feeling it, she sure didn't put up much of a fight, well she probably thought we were in a wrestling position anyway. Wgeuakgeahkuga. If only male-female friendships were as colourful as when we were kids.

Not that I was a stranger to this cute little girl, but I was thinking, maybe deep down inside, females do like being groped by a random bloke in public anyway. I remember a friend of mine documenting how he took salacious advantage (in malay, we call it keji) of a cute amoi in a bus on the way to the city. He was planting his dick firmly onto her ass. Really savouring it with a brazen disregard for the non-distasteful (or yet again, as we malays would say, non-kejinessness). It went on for a very long time before it seemed that the chick would finally want to escape this assumingly disgusting situation. So my friend, ever the big fan of opportunistic closure gave her fine backside one final big squishy push right before she decides that she has arrived at her stop, swiftly pacing her way out of the bus, not even for a second glazing back. The key point is how long she let my friend block her reverse lights without a single hint of resentment at all.

We can only presume that she wasn't heading home from the clinic after receiving a shot that would numb her phat ass thus rendering her totally unaware of the gardening in her backyard.

Sure enough, after that one great piece of urban story telling, my now officially decorated (by the homie) friend dropped some science on me. Tips and all that. Not that I would try it or anything. I'm way too respectful. Or rather way too afraid that the chick was actually really heading home from the clinic after receiving a shot that would numb her phat ass thus rendering her totally unaware of the gardening in her backyard and that no other girl would be as hospitable as she was. Uhum. Call it pepper spray phobia if you will.

And surely enough, I now realize that this piece of information has nothing to do with the topic structure I'm pursuing. So let's get back on track.

How about my first taste of smoke. Hey penyangak tell us about it. Okay.

My gramps smoked like a soldier. All the time, heavy cigs too. So naturally being the ever curioutic full of wonderment kid I was, I was curious. One day I picked up a butt from the floor, took a hit. I had the worse cough of my life. From that day on, I have never tasted cigarettes ever again.

It wasn't because of that horrible cough though. It was just that, it just never happened. I don't know why, it's pretty strange. But oh well, I'll just be thankful.

I do think that smoking looks cool tho. If I was to ever smoke, it would be just to look cool. Yeah okay some of you fucks will be like no way it's cooler to not smoke. Well screw open your anus, and drag the chair out of it, smoking is a way cooler look than not smoking. Of course it's not healthy, but whoever said you don't have to pay a price to be/look cool.

I wonder what ever happened to my first ever crush. Hmm. I don't think 5 firsts is enough but then again limit is good, I don't have that much writance in me.

Having said that, I must again get back on topic. This time with something I wrote before I wrote everything above this (why? who the fuck knows, it just happened, I'm not trying to pulp fiction shit or shit, I just happened to write some shit before some shit and decided to put it after the shit I wrote after that shit). Which is why I couldn't elaborate on the 'first' in the previous paragraph. As I've already reached the set 5.

How about the first time I had to actually work. Hmm. You see during the long ass spm break, a lotta peeps worked for some extra money, I didn't. I just chilled, went out with friends, played snooker or bowling or video games, played kuda machines, all that shit, chatted on the mirc everyday too. Eventually, I would have to work, and since I've never done any before uni, my first experience would obviously be during internship.

I hardly went to classes, I doubt if I did it would make any difference anyway. Too much of what we learn in University is theoretical bullshit. Most shit not even relevant to the potential line of work, at all. So when I stepped into that office, I had to learn web programming in two days. And I did it pretty well. See we males are blessed with super brains aight. Although I did have good html basics as I kinda learnt html when I was 14 and I always do my html from scratch on the pad, be it notepad or wordpad or the more programming friendly textpad. And since web programming needs a lotta skeletal work, my stupid (cause in time wysiwyg web-authoring softwares were finally invented) tendency to do html shit from scratch and by typing in codes manually was a big ass advantage.

You know what, I'm boring the fuck outta myself typing all this. Sounds like inside info that only pimply nerds will give a fuck about.

Fuck this shit.

What's the finer points. That would be more interesting. Wait scratch that. Make it interesting points of my first job.

Greak workmates. Well not in terms of people you work with. More like peeps you chill with during lunch. Mostly much older dewds than I am (and token malays in an international company), so I would just tag along as a quiet little bro kinda. And although some of them were as old as mah parents, they were all crazy. You've got the leader and his best friend, they used to be punks. Has the best nostalgia stories. There's the playa dude, always interested in chicks and porn. And the cool dudes, always interested in chicks and porn, again. Got the chinese dewds who never chill with the chinese crowd, always chillin' with us, and are really cool, always has the best info on, yes, chicks and porn. One particular dewd works the server and would go to work early just to watch porn in the office. Do you ever need to wonder why I always end up writing about pervetical virginitive pornivisive stuff in this eroticatic lair of mine. Hehe. Anyway, basically these dudes are like older and crazier versions of your buddies.

I had mad fun chilling with them although I was mad silent most of the time out of respect and because of something that happened during the early parts of my workage (which I will storify later). Would always look forward to lunch cause they all worked in diff departments so the only voltron time was lunch hour. I wish now I had stayed in touch after leaving but me being me, I didn't, sigh. They really took care of me like I was they lil bro', a lotta times they paid for my meals, especially if we were chillin' in fancy ass restaurants.

Even emailed me porn regardless of whether I needed it or not.

Like one time I told them about a friend of mine's porn pics/videos that leaked.

The next week, while my boss is right behind me checking up on one of the programmers, I'm opening my office email and fucking WALLA!, a big ass picture of that particular porn just sent to me with a weenie note asking if that's my friend. My heart stopped for a second before I hurriedly minimized that shit. Phew.

I hated work, work was a bitch. But it was a blessing to know peeps like them. And a blessing that we have one hour lunch-times with freedom to roam instead of the measly 20 minutes in-office afternoon meals that most Japanese labourers get. Win some lose some. We might not have loud high pitched big eyed cute tentacle-obsessed japanese chicks to fuck, but we get one hour lunches.

Now, on to that thing that happened that made me silent bob. You see it was in this particular office that I got the magical email from my girlfriend at that time (only one so far) saying she is already engaged and I could find someone better. See she had been ignoring me for one or two months. The only time I would usually get to see her was during semester breaks (or occasional weekends). So I was excited when the break before internship came as we could spend more time together but she suddenly ignored me, all my calls and shit. And later on, what right-er (don't act as if you don't know I always make up words) time to fuck me up, the first few weeks of my internship.

I think it was a friday. I remembered me facing hotmail, and literally shaking my ass off in the cubicle out of pure shock. Incidentally this was the friday that I was finally introduced to the whole gang after having chilled with one or two of them on separate occasions. This was also when I was inducted into their weekly friday prayer 'escape' sessions at the farthest-inside table in the mamak. Diff excuses everyday 'oh it's about to rain', 'oh penyangak is wearing the wrong shoes', 'i gave the mc to the imam already'. Wakhugeauhukga. Very funny. Sadly, I was sitting there, just politely smiling from time to time, my mind definitely not there. I was fucking blanked.

Why was my reaction so exaggerated, cause that was the beginning of the ending of the first time I fell in love. Before this whole sappy corny ordeal I was (okay and maybe still am) an asshole, I would tease the fuck outta my friends who are in love. I don't even wanna remember what I would say or do cause when I myself fell into the love trap, karma slapped me with its balls. I never understood why my friends were always so obsessed with their relationships, and I ridiculed it to no end. Until that moment when general karma took a step, swung its sweaty partly hairy draggy testicles and slapped the skin out of my fucking face. Then pissed on it till I was osmosized by the urine of love. Wawhkugehakga wut an analogy. Luckily my ridiculed friends did not give me a taste of my own medicine, no matter how sick I was.

I have to admit me and the little devil did make some kind of unspoken agreement before we even met, through sms, that we liked each other. The certificate of penyangak you're fucked was eventually signed when we finally dated. She might not be model material or have well-sized assets but she was mighty cute. I don't know if it would've happened if she wasn't, although I have to confess we did have some kind of chemistry that can never exist in a proper relationship involving true love and is only usually present in a good friendship. This, my naive self was oblivious to. The kind of chemistry that arose from her playing with my heart, and me not knowing what it's like to have a girlfriend, and how to treat her. From her being devoid of jealousy or future commitment, and me devoid of maturity. Still, what really mattered was that I felt that fucking magic.

Let's just put it this way. For around 6 months, I was pampered with an endless supply of cocaine extracted from the nectar of a clit attached to a pussy made from paradise itself. Let's call it cunt cocaine. But one day, I woke up to find the cunt cocaine missing. My connact drastically cut off. I scowered the whole fucking earth knocking on the doors of every drug dealer known to men. each and everyone of them with the same observation 'cunt cocaine is extinct, you shalt never have it ever again'. Me, a doomed fiend. Sigh.

And since I don't want to spoil the mood of drasticness, I shall jump to the next ship, or car, yes car, of course. The first ever car given to me was a cool ass wira, with the combination of 6 and 9 part of it's plate number. I don't know how many times my friends have made up with uni sluts in it. Can't count how many times it had gone to friday prayers for me. Do know how I enjoyed listening to Cypress Hill's Temple of Boom casette (and countless other classics) on loop in it. Do appreciate it bringing my friends to class so they could sign the attendance for me. Or bringing my friends to the mamak to get food for me while I resume a static position facing Championship Manager on the monitor devoid of a good night's rest. Countless other contributions to my loser life I could never repay. I wonder where she is now. I hope the new owner takes good care of her, I never really did, I treated her like a slut, I'm sorry. I hope you're much happier now.

Anyhoo, thanks to nur dayang ectopy for the tag. And I further tag this to whoever.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

life won't wait, the vision is a new world ordah, come along and tell your sista and your brotha

i'm a bimbo .. so what the fuck am i doing here staring at two opened up cpus. opened up as if it's both prepared for an operation. what the fuck am i doing here, unplugging a dvdrom and plugging it onto another cpu cause its very own dvdrom is fucked. what the fuck yo. i hate this. these fucking wires. fucking wires driving me crazy. fucking dust everywhere. fucking mouses keyboards fucking this fucking that. i hate dealing with computers. i love computers. i just hate dealing with them. when it comes to computers, i'm like a manly playa with a lotta playarizim on wimmin. i just wanna fuck 'em i don't wanna remember their names, i don't wanna know whether they prefer shopping online or offline, i don't wanna know what's their favourite food. if they are in a dillema or some shit like that i don't want to go there and console them or help them or whatever or whatever fuck that right.

i'm sitting cross legged right here on this wooden floor, do i like it? no. fuck it. fuck. i'm facing these cpus. argh.

^^ I wrote all that yesterday, while in a not-so-good sitting down posture, on hard wood, surrounded by computery things. and was a bit grumpy cursing here and there as if i was in my car and 4 cars were cuting queues leading to just one lane and i'm cursing away at all 3 who were not in the right lane as i am fuck you you you you you fucking cunts.

however (bees and flowers fly across your monitor screen) (no idea how flowers would fly, just imagine the bees carrying them), i have managed to settle the problem, man do i hate dealing with computers, and troubleshooting and shit. back when i was in college or university as we call it here, all my housemates were computer wizards. and so i asked myself, should i be one myself? after which i answered myself, FUCK NO. so i am basically a clueless lazy fuck who does not give a fuck about something i'm supposed to give a fuck about. but i know a few shits here and there, and i'm a fast learner, i just don't like to bother. but whatever, problem solved, and i can wank in peace now. i have just received a tag from siti nur ectopy, will do it later maybe.