Saturday, May 03, 2008

5 first shits

Disclaimer: I am a self indulger, and that's what people do on blogs, most of them at least. So please don't read this entry, at all, it's long, and you shouldn't give a fuck. I repeat, don't read this entry. Thank you.

Oh and also, if you were expecting a literal elaboration of the topic, prepare to be dissapointed. What kind of pathetic loser would remember his/her first 5 shits anyway, definitely not my kind of pathetic loser.

In that spirit, I start with the tale of my first boner, possessing the same anti-drama/grandiose qualities of my first wank and my first doggy style. Just me playing around with a female childhood friend, dick grazed her back. WOWZA. Let's do that again. It was like a grope rape scene, but with like two 7 year olds, I didn't know if she was feeling it, she sure didn't put up much of a fight, well she probably thought we were in a wrestling position anyway. Wgeuakgeahkuga. If only male-female friendships were as colourful as when we were kids.

Not that I was a stranger to this cute little girl, but I was thinking, maybe deep down inside, females do like being groped by a random bloke in public anyway. I remember a friend of mine documenting how he took salacious advantage (in malay, we call it keji) of a cute amoi in a bus on the way to the city. He was planting his dick firmly onto her ass. Really savouring it with a brazen disregard for the non-distasteful (or yet again, as we malays would say, non-kejinessness). It went on for a very long time before it seemed that the chick would finally want to escape this assumingly disgusting situation. So my friend, ever the big fan of opportunistic closure gave her fine backside one final big squishy push right before she decides that she has arrived at her stop, swiftly pacing her way out of the bus, not even for a second glazing back. The key point is how long she let my friend block her reverse lights without a single hint of resentment at all.

We can only presume that she wasn't heading home from the clinic after receiving a shot that would numb her phat ass thus rendering her totally unaware of the gardening in her backyard.

Sure enough, after that one great piece of urban story telling, my now officially decorated (by the homie) friend dropped some science on me. Tips and all that. Not that I would try it or anything. I'm way too respectful. Or rather way too afraid that the chick was actually really heading home from the clinic after receiving a shot that would numb her phat ass thus rendering her totally unaware of the gardening in her backyard and that no other girl would be as hospitable as she was. Uhum. Call it pepper spray phobia if you will.

And surely enough, I now realize that this piece of information has nothing to do with the topic structure I'm pursuing. So let's get back on track.

How about my first taste of smoke. Hey penyangak tell us about it. Okay.

My gramps smoked like a soldier. All the time, heavy cigs too. So naturally being the ever curioutic full of wonderment kid I was, I was curious. One day I picked up a butt from the floor, took a hit. I had the worse cough of my life. From that day on, I have never tasted cigarettes ever again.

It wasn't because of that horrible cough though. It was just that, it just never happened. I don't know why, it's pretty strange. But oh well, I'll just be thankful.

I do think that smoking looks cool tho. If I was to ever smoke, it would be just to look cool. Yeah okay some of you fucks will be like no way it's cooler to not smoke. Well screw open your anus, and drag the chair out of it, smoking is a way cooler look than not smoking. Of course it's not healthy, but whoever said you don't have to pay a price to be/look cool.

I wonder what ever happened to my first ever crush. Hmm. I don't think 5 firsts is enough but then again limit is good, I don't have that much writance in me.

Having said that, I must again get back on topic. This time with something I wrote before I wrote everything above this (why? who the fuck knows, it just happened, I'm not trying to pulp fiction shit or shit, I just happened to write some shit before some shit and decided to put it after the shit I wrote after that shit). Which is why I couldn't elaborate on the 'first' in the previous paragraph. As I've already reached the set 5.

How about the first time I had to actually work. Hmm. You see during the long ass spm break, a lotta peeps worked for some extra money, I didn't. I just chilled, went out with friends, played snooker or bowling or video games, played kuda machines, all that shit, chatted on the mirc everyday too. Eventually, I would have to work, and since I've never done any before uni, my first experience would obviously be during internship.

I hardly went to classes, I doubt if I did it would make any difference anyway. Too much of what we learn in University is theoretical bullshit. Most shit not even relevant to the potential line of work, at all. So when I stepped into that office, I had to learn web programming in two days. And I did it pretty well. See we males are blessed with super brains aight. Although I did have good html basics as I kinda learnt html when I was 14 and I always do my html from scratch on the pad, be it notepad or wordpad or the more programming friendly textpad. And since web programming needs a lotta skeletal work, my stupid (cause in time wysiwyg web-authoring softwares were finally invented) tendency to do html shit from scratch and by typing in codes manually was a big ass advantage.

You know what, I'm boring the fuck outta myself typing all this. Sounds like inside info that only pimply nerds will give a fuck about.

Fuck this shit.

What's the finer points. That would be more interesting. Wait scratch that. Make it interesting points of my first job.

Greak workmates. Well not in terms of people you work with. More like peeps you chill with during lunch. Mostly much older dewds than I am (and token malays in an international company), so I would just tag along as a quiet little bro kinda. And although some of them were as old as mah parents, they were all crazy. You've got the leader and his best friend, they used to be punks. Has the best nostalgia stories. There's the playa dude, always interested in chicks and porn. And the cool dudes, always interested in chicks and porn, again. Got the chinese dewds who never chill with the chinese crowd, always chillin' with us, and are really cool, always has the best info on, yes, chicks and porn. One particular dewd works the server and would go to work early just to watch porn in the office. Do you ever need to wonder why I always end up writing about pervetical virginitive pornivisive stuff in this eroticatic lair of mine. Hehe. Anyway, basically these dudes are like older and crazier versions of your buddies.

I had mad fun chilling with them although I was mad silent most of the time out of respect and because of something that happened during the early parts of my workage (which I will storify later). Would always look forward to lunch cause they all worked in diff departments so the only voltron time was lunch hour. I wish now I had stayed in touch after leaving but me being me, I didn't, sigh. They really took care of me like I was they lil bro', a lotta times they paid for my meals, especially if we were chillin' in fancy ass restaurants.

Even emailed me porn regardless of whether I needed it or not.

Like one time I told them about a friend of mine's porn pics/videos that leaked.

The next week, while my boss is right behind me checking up on one of the programmers, I'm opening my office email and fucking WALLA!, a big ass picture of that particular porn just sent to me with a weenie note asking if that's my friend. My heart stopped for a second before I hurriedly minimized that shit. Phew.

I hated work, work was a bitch. But it was a blessing to know peeps like them. And a blessing that we have one hour lunch-times with freedom to roam instead of the measly 20 minutes in-office afternoon meals that most Japanese labourers get. Win some lose some. We might not have loud high pitched big eyed cute tentacle-obsessed japanese chicks to fuck, but we get one hour lunches.

Now, on to that thing that happened that made me silent bob. You see it was in this particular office that I got the magical email from my girlfriend at that time (only one so far) saying she is already engaged and I could find someone better. See she had been ignoring me for one or two months. The only time I would usually get to see her was during semester breaks (or occasional weekends). So I was excited when the break before internship came as we could spend more time together but she suddenly ignored me, all my calls and shit. And later on, what right-er (don't act as if you don't know I always make up words) time to fuck me up, the first few weeks of my internship.

I think it was a friday. I remembered me facing hotmail, and literally shaking my ass off in the cubicle out of pure shock. Incidentally this was the friday that I was finally introduced to the whole gang after having chilled with one or two of them on separate occasions. This was also when I was inducted into their weekly friday prayer 'escape' sessions at the farthest-inside table in the mamak. Diff excuses everyday 'oh it's about to rain', 'oh penyangak is wearing the wrong shoes', 'i gave the mc to the imam already'. Wakhugeauhukga. Very funny. Sadly, I was sitting there, just politely smiling from time to time, my mind definitely not there. I was fucking blanked.

Why was my reaction so exaggerated, cause that was the beginning of the ending of the first time I fell in love. Before this whole sappy corny ordeal I was (okay and maybe still am) an asshole, I would tease the fuck outta my friends who are in love. I don't even wanna remember what I would say or do cause when I myself fell into the love trap, karma slapped me with its balls. I never understood why my friends were always so obsessed with their relationships, and I ridiculed it to no end. Until that moment when general karma took a step, swung its sweaty partly hairy draggy testicles and slapped the skin out of my fucking face. Then pissed on it till I was osmosized by the urine of love. Wawhkugehakga wut an analogy. Luckily my ridiculed friends did not give me a taste of my own medicine, no matter how sick I was.

I have to admit me and the little devil did make some kind of unspoken agreement before we even met, through sms, that we liked each other. The certificate of penyangak you're fucked was eventually signed when we finally dated. She might not be model material or have well-sized assets but she was mighty cute. I don't know if it would've happened if she wasn't, although I have to confess we did have some kind of chemistry that can never exist in a proper relationship involving true love and is only usually present in a good friendship. This, my naive self was oblivious to. The kind of chemistry that arose from her playing with my heart, and me not knowing what it's like to have a girlfriend, and how to treat her. From her being devoid of jealousy or future commitment, and me devoid of maturity. Still, what really mattered was that I felt that fucking magic.

Let's just put it this way. For around 6 months, I was pampered with an endless supply of cocaine extracted from the nectar of a clit attached to a pussy made from paradise itself. Let's call it cunt cocaine. But one day, I woke up to find the cunt cocaine missing. My connact drastically cut off. I scowered the whole fucking earth knocking on the doors of every drug dealer known to men. each and everyone of them with the same observation 'cunt cocaine is extinct, you shalt never have it ever again'. Me, a doomed fiend. Sigh.

And since I don't want to spoil the mood of drasticness, I shall jump to the next ship, or car, yes car, of course. The first ever car given to me was a cool ass wira, with the combination of 6 and 9 part of it's plate number. I don't know how many times my friends have made up with uni sluts in it. Can't count how many times it had gone to friday prayers for me. Do know how I enjoyed listening to Cypress Hill's Temple of Boom casette (and countless other classics) on loop in it. Do appreciate it bringing my friends to class so they could sign the attendance for me. Or bringing my friends to the mamak to get food for me while I resume a static position facing Championship Manager on the monitor devoid of a good night's rest. Countless other contributions to my loser life I could never repay. I wonder where she is now. I hope the new owner takes good care of her, I never really did, I treated her like a slut, I'm sorry. I hope you're much happier now.

Anyhoo, thanks to nur dayang ectopy for the tag. And I further tag this to whoever.


Cicatrices Pourpres~ said...

Hilarious one, penyangak teruna. The rape grope typical rempit thing done in the bus was outright keji. Poor girl, mesti balik she sental her ass with disinfectants and clorox.

That first ciggie drag, typical. But the first drag is never the best! It's not like dope. Tsk tsk pathetic.

And that first love shit, hahaaa. I mean, awww poor sucker.

Fav part of the whole thing, "general karma took a step, swung its sweaty partly hairy draggy testicles and slapped the skin out of my fucking face. Then pissed on it till I was osmosized by the urine of love."
HAHA. Yes I read the whole thing, I'm that loser nerdy pimply dude.

penyangak said...

haha nice of you to read the whole thing.

as for the rempit mangsa, i'm pretty sure she went back home and touched herself instead. could be could be, a possibility.