Sunday, May 31, 2009

com com com

pagi tadi aku takde bende nak buat so aku rasa cam nak keluar gi shopping complex yang aku tak pernah pergi. so aku mandi sabun elok elok then aku basuh muka guna pencuci muka gila vogue gtew haha tapi tetap ada hitam hitam kat muka aku yang menyerupai tatoo mike tyson x bol bels tol. apa lah nasib orang yang dulu underestimate power matahari. oh sebelum tuh saperti biasa layan berak jap. mungkin anda tak tahu tapi taik saya nowadays tak banyak sangat, tapi dia padat, macam getah yang besar. colour dia pun agak pekat. kadang-kadang kelihatan seperti marijuana, kadang-kadang cam seaweed pun ada haha gila gemps. tapi certain times bontot still panas, macam kena microwave. oh anus ku defrosted.

lepas tuh aku gi lah shopping complex nih. tempat yang boleh dikatakan baru juga, dan agak ternama. aku masuk butik brand apa tah, pastuh aku pandang lah sini-sana sekali ada minah nih tegur aku YAW BITCH ASS WHATCHOO DOIN' HERE. aku pandang balik and daring habis kat dia, eh pastuh aku ketuk kepala jap, rupanya dia cakap "good morning sir, welcome to bla how may i help you", oh ok ok "just lookin' around, vato". lepas tuh aku look lah around. ada satu jacket old school nih yang menarik tapi gaji dah nak habes lah boss baru semalam beli kasut futsal baru yang dok gigit gigit kaki aku petang tadi. tapi petang lain cerita ini cerita pagi.

tapi aku round round tempat nih agak bosan, so aku gi luar kat tempat jual goreng pisang.

aku tanya akak tuh "kak camna dapat permit jual goreng pisang kat sini?"
akak tuh menjawab "mana ada permit dik, nih goreng pisang pirated?"

"aih, goreng pisang pun leh pirated?"

"biasa ah dik, adik pernah dengar peribahasa, pisang dibawa belayar?"
"ye"
"kitorang lah pirate yang curik pisang yang dibawa belaya tuh"
"oh yeke kak"
"ye lah dik"

"akak nih pandai jugak membuat cerita sambil memperbodoh-bodohkan saya ye kak..."
"biasa lah dik orang lama"
"sob sob sob"
"dah lah tuh dik janganlah menangis, nah akak kasi satu pisang goreng free"
"tanok saya nak goreng pisang original"

"eh goreng pisang ke pisang goreng, anyway dik, kalau kau nak sangat yang original pergi kat ezy video sana ada berlambak"
"macam pasar lambak?"
"tak kelakar"
"okay saya pergi"

tetapi apa yang akak pisang goreng tak tahu ialah, aku tak pergi pon. instead, aku pergi masuk kereta balik.

ingat nak menjauhkan diri dari city centre. pergi lah ke outskirts, sebab inner skirts haram dik kalu belum kahwin. uhuk uhum tengah kat traffic light ada mamat nih pandang slack semacam. aku pun pandang slack balik, hek eleh ingat muka kau tuh dah cukup chans. aku pun guna jari aku buat isyarat misai kat atas bibir aku semata-mata nak sindir kemisaian dia sebab misai dia memang agak tebal standard melayu. dia pulak dengan cukup bold nye buat isyarat takde misai kat misai dia untuk menyindir ke-lack of facial hair aku. ouch backfired haha. mak bengang mencanak-canak lah nih. terus mak keluar kereta

"lu nak apa melayu dah lama hidup?"
dia turun tingkap, "dah, 38 tahun dah"

"loyar buruk neh"
"tak buruk, tapi ada lah sedara mara yang keje loyar"

"nak kene penampar?"
"dengan jari jemari halus keperempuanan mu itu? oh please"

"abang nih kurang ajar ye"
"abang bukan lecturer dik"

"abang nih nak gadoh ke nak malukan saya depan orang orang yang tengah tengok sambil hon tak ings sebab kita tengah block jalan neh?"
"ha yeke diaorang tengah hon ke, abang pun tak sedar sebab suara awak merdu sangat"

"nyampah"
"YOU LOSE" (dengan suara ala-ala street fighter mixed with mortal kombat).

aku bengang masuk balik kereta rasa macam nak drive je kemana-mana membawa hati yang lara dan loser inih.

lenkali respect the moustache.

anyways, sebab aku dah rasa loser tahap lombong ke-7 aku balik rumah and aku tidur.

aku tidur dan tidur. tak memperdulikan masa ataupun time continuum.

tengah tidur tengah tengah malam aku terbangun berpeluh peluh.

sunyi gila doh suasana. aku tengok jap, pukul 1 petang. tapi kenapa bila aku bukak tingkap semua gelap. aku terus keluar dengan kaki ayam jalan atas tar. mana neighbour aku semua, kenapa sunyik, kenapa ada dua-tiga lampu kat bukit tuh, kenapa bukan dua-tiga kucing berlari mana nak sama si kucing belang. lampu tuh makin dekat makin dekat makin dekat. tiba-tiba aku terbaring, lepas tuh macam kredits masa mr. bean, dia suluh spotlight kat aku and aku ditarik ke atas.

masuk dalam u.f.o. sedap sedap je aku assume u.f.o. kan tah tah flying object yang identifiable ewah, tapi memang u.f.o. pun. anyway kat dalam tuh aku dah macam gelabah, diaorang semua keliling aku tengok aku, aku nak explain rupa diaorang tak ingat sangat samar-samar tapi apa yang pasti diaorang bukan macam dalam filem. diaorang lagi lawa dari manusia even. hidung diaorang lagi halus dan mancung, mata diaorang lagi comel, bentuk muka diaorang sangat refined dan lawa cam lamborghini. aku nak jatuh cinta pun tak buleh sebab siapalaaah aku iniii untuk meeemintal buih ops ahaks anyway diaorang tengok je. aku dah gelabah semacam berpeluh macam babi hutan yang tengah layan sauna.

"KORANG NAK BUAT ANAL PROBE KAPPA NEH?!?!?!?!?!?! gelabah ah neh!"

"..."

"3030 hkhuuk2380 32832u 3822h u20832 0880u32h j320832 23 032083 20823"
"oh cakap ah awal-awal"

"k32 y32 239-23 g 2 32932 79 23 3hg2k2u3u23hkaa"
"haha tuh ah pasal, memang camtuh doh, korang dah berapa lama sini?"

"3209 2j lij2ei 0e2 e029u 0e2u 2e0 02 2e"
"oh, memang, sini humid sket, tapi aku rasa okay je kalau dah biasa kan, takde hal lah weyh"

"kuhh 2308 32h3hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
"oh yeke, takde ah, muka korang lagi lawa-lawa dowh, tak bleh belah aku ingat korang nih seko-seko kang macam e.t. takpun aliens"

"231o 1o82 180 108 328 2o83 283o 32o8 32 32"
"wakuhgeuakhghkaehgkauga"

"812 18 198 h uukh ek 38 382 3208 380 3208 3208 031 xc"
"oh takde ah, aku kat bilik tadi tengah pasang lagu kat winamp, pastuh layan blues, kata melayu kan mesti ah layan blues, layan emo, semua ah layan sampai lebams, sekali korang leh abduct aku what the heck, tapi you guys are okay"

"2"
"jap jap, cakap pelan pelan panjang sangat tuh susah adik nak digest"

"3"
"oh jap jap, masa mula-mula tuh tak faham explain balik"

"g"
"gosip intergalactic gila gemps korang bawak nih, tapi macamana buleh jadi macam tuh?"

"h"
"ler, ye ke, okay kalau tuh yang korang nak dari aku, terimalah sebagai sign of friendship"

aku bagilah apa yang diaorang nak. aku bagi diaorang sebahagian daripada kewarasan aku. diaorang cakap, diaorang nak tunjuk kat planet diaorang, nanti diaorang kasi balik, pinjam je sebenarnya. aku tadehal, gua sporting lisbon (ke sporting lesbian? waukgekuahkugaukga) babe.

"sdfliu er wh wkf wkfh kwufhe kwufkufh ewk kfwe kwuh ku wk wkuehuk wekuwh fwkhuw hfkuwkhwe fuhfke kuhefuhkwuh ku keu khe keh wk hkuehkwe hkkwehwkeu ku hwe hk whk wkh wkuh kwueh wukh wkeh u"
"bye juger"

aku tiba tiba ada kat tengah tengah tar lagi. kaki panas. kata kaki ayam tadi kan. memang pukul 1 tengahari. maid maid tengah kat luar basuh keta ke apa. aku dengan berlengging kain pelikat takde undies lek je kat tengah tengah tuh melopong.

aku panjat gate aku masuk padahal gate aku bukak.

aku masuk balik rumah ikut tingkap padahal pintu terbukak.

aku tidur bawah katil padahal tilam atas katil.

aku tengok je lantai. aku cakap kat diri aku sendiri, oh nampaknya lepas nih kau tak leh concentrate kat apa-apa sebab kewarasan kau kat angkasa. takpelah aku leh berlakon, berlakon tak payah guna kewarasan, guna je apa yang ada, hidung buleh berlakon telinga buleh berlakon rambut pun leh berlakon, memang ah mata tak boleh sorok apa apa tapi tak semua orang tengok mata. takde orang tengok mata pun sebenarnya, kalau laki dia tengok tetek dengan bontot, perempuan suka tengok bontot kot manelah adik tahu adik nih cuma lelaki sejati gaya mutu keunggulan perillys.

ohhhhhhhhhhhh bersambung.

Friday, May 29, 2009

shoplifters of the world unite

what's it all about, alfie? how is it not loathsome that i pushed myself into the black hole and then have the audacity to complain about darkness. i finally figured out where i put my green torchlight. how is it possible that i am flying out of me and not roaming around seeking out topless ladies in their own private spaces. you could float around space going from star to star but you just can't ignore the beauty of the obnoxiously glaring sun. like a moth attracted to light, rather a moth attracted to reflection of light, that's one sinking moth i'll tell ya. that's one sinking, deteriorating moth. can't you tell between light and reflection, maybe a bee could, but a moth couldn't. the moth is too one-way and simple minded. frogs can jump and jump and jump, but frogs can't smile. why is it that frogs can't smile, are they really miserable or are they actually capable but have a different way of going at it. different set of muscles i guess. the sky can hide the sun but it can't hide the sunlight. if you have fluorescent teeth your lips are being outshone. why is it that some things will haunt you like the memory of that first time you hurt a human close to you. i walked around with a limp and i didn't feel cool at all, maybe i needed a walking stick. dear mankind, i did not sleep last night, the foot hurt too much, it was too much of a distraction. i tried to sleep but i just can't, i need to go to a meeting, simply cause i love driving to it. so i drove out early to get some painkillers. it killed the pain i needed to kill, but it could never kill the pain i want gone. why can't frogs smile? i think about all this and many more right before trying to sleep a sleepless sleep. i try not to think about all this while wanking. cause wanking needs all the imagination and concentration i'm capable of. if only this much energy was focused on achieving things like exploring space and buttsexing aliens. wouldn't everything be something that could be used for something better. cause if we were too satisfied we wouldn't have culture.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

do ya ka sha

it's 1am and i'm still at home. what the fuck. i have been gradually losing interest in football ever since last season although i still have like some small feeling it's like i dunno man this happens to almost everyone - will either move to golf or f1. the fuck man. it's okay though. but i love football, it's simple, it's very fun to play, it's just i don't know, i prefer pussy. wahugekahkuga. no i keed i don't i've never played that before haha. anyway whatever it is i'm still gonna watch tonight's game, football is such a beautiful cunt.

and uh my feet fucking hurts like shit. is why i might not go out (but i might i dunno it's still early). it hurts like shit the whole day and me being the fucking idiot i am i fucking ran in the fucking park like the fucking idiot i am and i thought that cured it, yeah listen to clint eastwood just listen to him again, that old man just wants to make you suffer. i think it has worsened now. thank you clint eastwood, thank you, you just know that ending your sentences with "pusscake" will do it for me, that will provoke me won't it. what the fuck is it about this word. it's just that you know i just hate being called something that i'm not, mr. clint eastwood i'm just not a fucking cake!

four fingers up twisted in the middddd, WESTSIDE.

look man, my jetlag has gone, and now i can probably stop cursing everybody (myself, actually) and start living normal again. yesterday i slept like a bitch. the day before i slept like a baby (although i did not blow a hole in someone's head). fuh. it's all science. and i'm back to sweating, i haven't been sweating on steady for a while now. for about 3-4 days i've been back to sweating cause homie i need to lose this junk, i don't know why but i just need to, things like this makes me happy nowadays. i tell myself if me from the past encounters a time machine and meet me right now he'll be like what the fuck is wrong with you future me you fucking pussy cunt! *smacks the shit out of me*...................anyway thanks for doing this though cause at the rate i'm going i'm killing my fucking self, despite being beautifuler than you are...faggot.........but you know....for in a way saving my life...thanks...:) ........................faggot *poof*.

oh yeah i just cancelled joining boys night in, this really hurts my foot i need some house painkiller type action.

anyway good luck you footbally cunts.

here's a badass song for ya ass:

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

cash, culture and violence

fuck that shit fuck fuck fuck it fuck it fuck that shit yeah yeah yeah whatever whatever fuck it no no fuck it forget about it yeah cam'ron rules whatever whatever whatever fuck it but i wish nah man fuck it forget fuck it fuck fucking shit fuck fuck it move the fuck on fuck it fuck it the move - do ya is such a badass song arghkh fuck fuck it fucka fucka fucka. fuckafucka fucka fuckafucka(/m.i.a.) yeah fuck it argkh. kurgkh. ergkh. anyway.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

grooving when we meet

dear blog,

i am still wide awake, but my eyes are as blurry as fuck. actually i could easily sleep but i can't cause i just ate a not so heavy but feels heavy and SATISFYING AS FUCK breakfast. i can't tell you what it is. so since i jaga badan you i refuse to go back to sleep, the old penyangak would slap me silly and point at me while shouting at everyone else EVERYBODY LOOK HERE STANDS A FAGGETY FAG. so what you who is also me, i am a bimbo and i like it this way. right now i'm on the pc doing "research", what research? you don't need to know you busybody piece of shit, unless if your busy body is a hot female bod i won't use piece of shit on you, instead i'll use a piece of my shit. ha ha ha ha. no.

what the fuck am i gonna do today. i'm gonna service my badass v70 turbo. yeah it's been idle there for a long time, it needs to get back. it is my mobile of love, self-love, at least. but first i gotta clean him up. wait it's a him? yeah it's a him. usually cats have female cars and they treat their cars like they girlfriends too. not this piece of shit human that is me. i treat my darling like a him, i never wash or polish him with my own hands, infact he washes himself with the fucking water that falls from the sky or by the hands of a slave FUCKING BADASS!

so i need to get him running optimum by the time i get back from singapore so i can get my straightforward simple life back as he is the center of it for no reason i can recall right now. whatever it is his name is probably clint eastwood. he can speed up in a second and blow gas at those poyo fuckers thinking i can't call them on they slow ass shitty fucking shit. yeargkh.

back to research. research is good. know everything that's needed to be known and you shall be the biggest badassest robot with an arm made of a million laser machine guns spewing anti matter bullets. know enough and you can soothe yourself. the unknown is your true enemy. no enemy can truly hurt you when you know shit. research muthafuckah, this research i just did is therapy. now i am ready to cut open a sky-sized ufo from fucking space with a katana pulled off a guitar exactly like guitar wolf LOCK AND LAWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

thank myself for deciding to know more. that's what got me achieving some things, i should have known it would help me go through every shit i need to go through. nahmean. and then. i'm probably gonna take a taxi to a shopping mall. i haven't walked pointlessly around a pj-ish shopping mall for almost a month. yeah. that's probably what i should do around this afternoon, maybe. and then go back home. take the temporary car, and go to the gym. i just did last night but fuck it. torture is good, torture yourself, it keeps my mind off things and shit. it's physically pointless when you're walking towards nowhere and lifting only to put it back down but it makes me feel good so it's what, mentally not pointless? waukhgukaeukhkuga. what the fuck. fuck it. i will refine and refine this robotics of mine up to the point of perfection that cannot be reached by other loser robots. i won't run on oil or electricity or shit i run from the energy of the word fuck. FUCK. so fucking fine will this robotic of mine bla bla bla FUCK YEAH. you will want to show your insides and know my insides and lucky for you my well oiled machinery will open up easily oh yeah FUCK YEAH FUCKEDY FUCK YEAH.

the knowledge i have gained has rendered me free from the clutches of mankind. i am back to the cyborg that i was. a giant cyborg with a cock the size of a car to make up for the actual size of my dick, arms with a million machine guns with antimatter bullets (i've mentioned this homie), legs made of what, i dunno i'm just buzzing right now i can't think wait maybe legs made of TELEPORT waukhgekahukga. that's cool. and also i have a massive amount of excess skin that could charm you into loving me simply cause i'm cute and nice. and young. wahugekahkhuga. look at my school pictures homies i look younger than that. like seriously dukes check out my school pictures I LOOK YOUNGER THAN WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL NOW, DUNNY. bitch don't fuckin' mess with my fountain of youth game like fuhreeel.

alright. see yawl imaginary readers later i might have more to type. but for now i must start my day...

WITH A SATISTYING BERAK SESSION

your favourite poster,
an emotionless/pointless cyborg with arms made out of a million machine guns with anti matter bullets

it's just the way i smile you said

dear blog,

i slept around 10pm last night and then woke up as if i've had a good night's sleep. unlocked my phone's keypad and glanced at the tiny numbers, 12am. i laughed. yes, i fucking laughed like a douchebag parrot and unquippingly quipped to myself "nice, very nice, ha ha". this is comedy to me, this is sitcom, this is a sketch. a reoccurring sketch which cycles beyond annoyance to the point of incomparable hilarity. managed to get back into tame slumber, up again by 2am, watched some shit and got another brief sleep only to wake up another 2 hours later. walked to the sofa to try on the classic t.v.-induced sleep. didn't work, by 5:31am i'm like fuck it might as well open blogger and whine about it.

ain't got too much on my mind but sometimes just that one thing could be a real bitch asshole. this one thing couldn't stand the alluring sight of mass empty space in my brain. it started to itch. decided it should strip naked dip its body in spicy sweet caramel and roll around my mind as if wrestling an anywisingly dancing feather. this, and The Jetlag That Won't Leave Me Alone Already.

i'll have to be content with this bio-clock fuckery. accept it. i am wide awake at the most devilish intervals. this is a 1930s horror movie remade in the new century entitled The Revenge of the Bio-Clock. this is karma. in your younger albeit you're still pretty much young days you did not exactly treat it like a princess. and bio clocks don't like it when you don't treat it like a princess. like its more mechanical cousins, bio clocks have memories too. most of all (cue suspenseful music gradually descending into an explosion of silence)... bio clocks remember.

now, facebook is asking me what's on my mind. my apologies facebook i can't tell you for i have decided that whatever's on my mind right now must stay in my mind. if the c.i.a. would be so bold as to use their mind reader gadget thingy to read into it i would trail the agent assigned to the mission on his way back to his headquarters carrying my poison dagger. i'll bash his head in with bare knuckles and utilise the dagger... to annihilate his pendrive. interject the poison so it may never be operational ever again. forever crippled it shall never set foot effectively inside a usb port ever again. ever again. again again again again again again again. simply because the data is embarassing, it shows fragility of the heart and weakness of the mind. clint eastwood wouldn't approve. he'd be like just stop thinking, pusscake.

twitter is asking me what am i doing, and like everyone else like me i never inform. i'll save essential trivial shit like this for the future on The Girlfriend That Probably Will Never Become At All But Should Cause She Whoever She Is Should Just, Should, You Know, Please, Pretty Fucking Please, You Cunting Around Whore Surface Surface Surface! ar oppsy arh erm yeah where were we, err okay, there, we were there. i'm sorry twitter i can't commit to you like that, you are not cute enough and most importantly you do not possess that beauty that runs the world, that sumptuous slit, that luxurious opening, that mm, vagina. not that i am vagina crazy. obsession mostly do not lead to physical excess. i put it on a pedestal, therefore i don't see at all of it no matter how tall i have gotten or how much muscle i have developed from looking up. i am unworthy, your majesty. my grip shall be my frictioning companion till you decide i am worthy of you going down the stairs for my amateur embrace, your majesty. all that is within my alignment within my grasp are dust compared to you, your fucking majesty.

you see the satire that is my mind has whirlwinded itself into a mess that even dirty latina maids couldn't clean up. almost an hour later and i'm ready for breakfast. despite all this cryptic typed-in bullshit, i still live my life like a normal human being. a very ordinary boy. i will walk the earth with a smile and a frown with the frown being my face muscles relaxing. this is because everything that i write, all of it, all of it, LIES LIES LIES. and everything i say, LIES LIES LIES. every detail i pretend to unleaf LIES LIES LIES. BULLSHIT. BULLCRAP. SHIT THAT TASTES LIKE IT CAME FROM A BULL'S ANUS. AND YOU HAVE TO TASTE BOTH THE SHIT AND THE BULL'S ANUS TO DETERMINE THIS ACCURATELY!

your beautiful inappropriately wide-awake friend,
wide-awaking beauty

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

fucken a, kid

i could give a fuck about everything my body is giving a fuck about without giving a fuck about a fuck at all, basically i could give a fuck about fuck all but still give a fuck about all fuck. obsessing over something without being obsessive at least not in the tangible sense. clint eastwood once said "i'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby". if i could blow a hole let it be a cute vagina that is so cute i would recite that vagina is sooo fahken cute in my head repeatedly while blowing it. how about that for multitasking. jeff once said all us men have in our heads is the word "breasts" on a loop. that is the most rightest theory ever conceived by a sheep shagger. mind you i'm a sheep shagger myself, we pronounce breast with an extra r and a tinge of g. bgrrrgheast. as if we're struggling to speak. what we're doing is merely milking the pronunciation of a word that represents one of the most beautiful invention ever by our creator which sits amongst the most beautiful things ever in humankind history - female genitalia? anatomy?. i don't know, as far as i know nothing really compares, not even a lamborghini. i'm not one for low-built sports cars anyway, i prefer a car that drives itself.

i cannot keep my cool too much, i might burst into a fucking black hole. i'm such a fucking losah. fucking loser. you fucking fuck of a loser. argkh. i didn't used to be a loser, i used to be just someone prepping up to be a loser, which is still pretty much a loser, way bigger of a loser than an actual loser because you know you're about to become a loser and yet you're still succumbing to it like a wet daffodil getting willingly buttfucked by a heavy breathing disgustingly grunting water buffalo. as if it was the most natural thing to do. which it is not. it's like reacting angrily to jessica alba offering you both her nipples for you to dampen with your unholy techniques of mammary suckage.

whenever i can't sleep or refuse to sleep i just think and think and think about things that are never gonna fucking happen. why do i do this, is it because i'm a hopeless dreamer. ever known a dreamer who's not hopeless, me neither. but all i have to say for myself is that sometimes when you're too used to wanking with your butt to the ground it'll be refreshing to wank standing up. shout fuck yeah and get that load out. get it all out. getting it all out can only fulfill the needs of a part of the brain and sometimes no part of the heart at all so how can it be useful. only as a distraction. shout fuck yeah! or wordlessly (and badassedly) growl if you're clint eastwood, or roscharch. anybody wanna introduce my growl to the cute vagina, or should i do it myself.

Friday, May 01, 2009

the fuck yo

dear m.i.a.,
help me i am........

dear penyangak,
ANEENEENEENEE, POWAH POWAH, POWAH POWAH
text the address i'll see ya laydaaa
DADADAN DADADAN DADA DANDAN
DAN DADADAN DADADAN DADA DANDAN
DAN DADADAN DADADAN DADA DANDAN BEAT GOES ON!
ADADADAN DADADAN DADA DANDAN
DAN DADADAN DADADAN DADA DANDAN
DAN DADADAN DADADAN DADA DANDAN BEAT GOES ON!

dear m.i.a.,
thank you very much, i am strong now!

dear penyangak,
oooooooooooooo, hooooooooooooo
hooooooooooooo, huuuuooooooooo