Saturday, September 06, 2008

penyangak the romeo

hypothetically, based on my history and general behavior, here are things that could/would happen if a girl goes on a date with me.

of course, the first choice would be to go for a movie. BOOORRINGG, TOO COMMON, you say. but you ladies are females, the fuck you know?

we would definitely take the couple seat! awwww how cute! because i'm xxxl and i need more room than the average seat, now please baby move along more to the side so i can have some of your space.

if i have seen the movie before, i will be a darling and still watch it with you since you wanna see it so much. i will try to stay awake but if i sleep, i apologize for anything cause it's out of my control. some people say i snore, i snore so much that they sometimes suspect that my room is a boiler room, or an engine. on the other hand, there are another group of people that have given testimonials about my snoring being pathetic and barely making up any noticeable frequency of volume at all, as if i was a cat. so, with all those high-strung people in the cinema as your witness, you be the judge.

now after the movie, we will go for the standard dinner. BOO BORING. shut up, you need to eat, i need to eat, the mamak needs customers. okay, i know, mamak, cheap, date and mamak in one box, seriously? after that look in your face i'll improvise and say that i needed to go to the mamak to buy cigarettes first. but you don't smoke. okay i don't, but i don't want people to think i'm a sissy so i show my face at the mamak buying it as an obligation to the survival of the well-being of society's perception towards my ass. wut-evva.

okay we go to a fancy restaurant. i hope you're a closet dyke or at least a feminist. cause if that's the case, you'll at least pay for your half, and in certain extreme girl power miracles, pay for mine too. a brotha can only hope that your make up and long hair are just fronts. and look, i do wanna to order food for you and be all gentlemanly and stuff but i'm too shy to call the waiter plus he's probably from the philippines and won't understand my malay english accent so can you please do that for me? thank you i love you.

while waiting for the food we will have a decent conversation, get to know each other and all that. but since i'm a shy guy and a "post-modern misogynist" (i learnt this term from jimmy carr - it means that my misogyny is harmless) i will insist that since you're the female you should do all the talking, tell me how your day was and all that jazz. i will definitely be interested in everything that you have to say, including that part when you talk about you and your "personality" and whatnot.

once we get our food, you will realize that i am very much in love with delicacies. however, honey please don't be jealous, once i've gobbled all this up it becomes a non issue and i'm back to you. that's how i deal with love, once i've taken whatever's necessary from what i supposedly love, it will become a non issue and i will cease to care. but of course, i won't do that to you.

by the time we (i) have satisfied our (my) lust for gluttony, it would probably be around 9-11 pm. i call this "the vital hours". this is when you will start to peak in terms of forming an opinion/judgement about me. this is the final half, when everything i have done throughout the date will be computed and assessed in your cute little brain. this is also the time period in which most premier league matches are played. so if i start to look all panicky, alternating glancing left and right hoping to catch glimpse of a nearby mamak with peeking at the cellular phone calendar which stores all the "important events". and then taking you to that holy mamak, sitting down, looking at the screen for at least 90 minutes (+15 minutes of break) with that ice kosong on the table staring at both of us and only you staring back at it, it is only me trying to ace your assessment/judgement with a last minute romantic supper. how adorable of me.

har har har di har @ whakugehaukgawhukga (i'm a loser).

seriously now... there could be an alternative to all of this. as a matter of fact we don't even have to start with a movie. shit as a matter of fact, fuck do i know. as a matter of fact, you girls need to tell us what to do. as a matter of fact, if we do the movie dinner you'll say we're boring, if we leave it up to you you'll say we're sissies. as a matter of fact, we males were all born clueless, and contrary to popular belief (of a minority) - we don't come of age.

look i might sound like an asshole in this entry, but i'm not. it is actually just my way of saying that we men know absolutely nothing about shit like this. in fact we men know absolutely nothing. you need to tell me what to do and handle everything. it is a scientific fact that men have a one-track mind and so we are capable of doing only one (i mean none) thing at a time.

however, girls always expect us guys to know exactly what to do. really, seriously, we don't. if you one day find a guy who knows exactly what to do and everything goes so well and perfect, i'm 100% positive he's a gay wedding planner.

disclaimer: all of this rambling is verily based on knowledge accumulated from watching movies, tv series, and brazen assumptions. first hand experience is out of the question. haha. bongok.

with that i bid to yawll:


(while i gawk from afar clenching fist and muttering ungodly utterances under my breath out of foul jealousy)


Pourpres~ said...

Haha, this is actually cute. What's so bad about movie+dinner+watch footie at mamak while downing 3 nescafe o ice and a whole pack of ciggies date? I'd go on one.

I've had way better dates though. :D

Gay wedding planner, sukati je. It goes to show effort and thoughtfulness, not gayness! Metrosexuals are the worst though.

Seb baik ade disclaimer bongok.

bangkai said...


Go on with the predictable 'movie-and-dinner combo'; they fall on you like a tonne of bricks. Be more creative and go, lets say, 'art-gallery-then-a-home-cooked-meal-at your-place' combo; they still fall on you like a tonne of bricks.

Since they are going to fall on you like a tonnes of bricks, anyway, might as well just grin, bear it and think of England; because, after that, you get to fall on them like a tonne of bricks :-)

fallen angel said...

bring girls to life.
just bring them anywhere u go.
nway, i love ur lah.

penyangak said...

pourpres. it's not so bad for me, i don't even know if it's bad at all, or maybe you're just a dyke haha. "effort and thoughtfulness, again, exactly, gay wedding planner.

what up bangkai. haha thanks for the advice. we are a doomed gender.

fallen angel. thanks. anyway cannot lah bring them anywhere you go, then how to cheat on them lahh? aiyahh youu.

Pourpres~ said...

Dyke pon dyke la aku dyke yang comel dan ko jeles! Pon boleh~