KUALA LUMPUR 29 April - Seorang usahawan hari ini membuat keputusan untuk memulakan sebuah pakatan baru di dalam dunia politik. Beliau mengakui bahawa niatnya adalah semata-mata untuk memajukan negara ini serta memastikan rakyat hanya menerima khidmat yang terbaik daripada seorang pemimpin.
Apabila diminta untuk memberi ulasan mengenai parti-parti yang akan menjadi pesaing beliau cuma berkata, "Tiada komen".
Selain daripada berikrar untuk hanya membincangkan apa yang beliau dapat sumbangkan kepada kemajuan dan keharmonian negara ini apabila berkempen, beliau juga turut mencabar diri sendiri untuk sentiasa berlaku adil, melakukan perkara yang benar walaupun sukar, serta mendekatkan diri dengan rakyat semampu boleh.
Beliau sedar sebagai seorang pemimpin, majikannya adalah rakyat. Ini menjadikan ianya suatu tanggungjawab yang sangat berat.
"Saya bukanlah seorang yang harus ditakuti rakyat, malah sebenarnya saya yang patut takut dan patuh pada rakyat. Apabila bersalaman dengan anda semua saya akan tunduk tanda hormat.
"Negara ini mempunyai potensi yang sungguh besar. Sekiranya saya dapat kumpulkan pemimpin-pemimpin yang paling ikhlas dan berkemampuan tanpa mengira bangsa atau keturunan untuk mengendalikannya, dengan izin Tuhan kita akan dapat bersama mengejar kemajuan tanpa batas," kata beliau.
Sementara itu, seorang Pakar Psikologi & Psikiatri dibawah Kementerian Kesihatan telah mengesahkan bahawa ahli politik ini menunjukkan sifat-sifat delusi yang ekstrim.
"Prinsip-prinsip yang dia bentangkan jelas bertentangan dengan apa yang telah ditunjukkan dan diajar oleh mereka yang lebih lama di dalam bidang beliau. Bagi saya, dia seolah-olah mahu memulakan sebuah ajaran sesat.
"Saya telah membuat aduan terus dan Ketua Polis Negara akan memulakan penangkapan secepat mungkin. Pemahaman ahli politik palsu ini adalah suatu ancaman. Ini kerajaan Malaysia, kami adil dan saksama, oleh itu si gila ini perlu ditahan tanpa bicara dengan segera," kata beliau.
"Ha. Ha. Ha. GTFO, this is Malaysia, biatch," ulas seorang pemimpin negara yang tidak mahu indentiti beliau didedahkan.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
cara-cara mengelak promoters
kalau kau mallrat cam aku and selalu jalan-jalan shopping complex mesti pernah experience promoters kat tepi tuh yang nak suruh kau beli or sign up for something.
usually derang nak bagi flier je but sometimes ada yang persistent gila, bukan aku nak kurang ajar ke apa tapi kekadang aku dah ada pun akan jadi panjang lebar sebab anytime ada respons walaupun respons aku "dah ada" mesti panjang cerita sampai kang benda aku dah ada pun derang nak signup lagi sekali. maybe kalau aku ada dua akaun internet aku leh guna yang satu lagi bila yang aku tengah guna penat? wahkuga.
aku dah devise beberapa cara untuk mengelak diaorang tanpa menghurt anyone's feelings:
1 cepat-cepat keluarkan handphone and buat macam tengah cakap. kalau buleh cipta conversation palsu and dalam conversation palsu tuh kau banyak cakap AA? AAAAA! sebab bila kau tengah mengAAA! dah tentu kau kena mendongak and mendongak lah antara method terbaik untuk effectively ignore dunia yang melingkungi gravity and ultimately diaorang.
2 kalau kau student cepat-cepat keluarkan apa-apa kertas dari file and counter offer apa diaorang offer. just cipta something cam oh yake? apa pula pendapat encik mengenai broadband lalala.
kalau kau nak buat lagi comedic, kau counter offer dengan benda yang sama diaorang offer cam dia cakap encik mau register ini celcom broadband?!?!?! mau?! engkau pun cam encik mau register ini celcom broadband?!?!?! mau?? wtf?
siapa kesah asal kau cakap sambil membelakang and gerak ke arah away dari derang dan ke jarak yang selamat sebab kalau kau perasan semua orang promosi nih ada limit sampai kat satu garisan imaginasi dia akan retreat balik ke 'home' dia. aku rasa derang ada cam boss diaorang on the line walkie talkie kecik kat telinga cam kalau jauh sangat takut management shopping complex marah so boss akan jerit operation promixity exceeded! mission recalled, return to base immediately, over!
3 jerit "manusia bogel!" and tunjuk belakang diaorang, pastuh lari and escape. ini agak kelakar, sebab kau sebut manusia! haha, kalau mamat yang bagi flier tuh laki and dia sempat fikir yang manusia boleh mean either male or female (or both), adakah dia telah make a decent decision untuk pandang kerana decision nya itu boleh menyebabkan dia tertengok konek (and worse, bulu jembut) (and worser, skrotum) laki lain.
aku pun tak tahu, kau kena perhati betul betul lah, kalau pempromosi tuh jenis yang senang didistract taktik nih boleh digunakan.
4 taktik nih cuma akan efektif kalau ada kipas atau angin berdekatan. biasa orang orang promote bende nih akan kasi kertas ke apa ke pasal apa dia nak jual kat korang. so korang stop, amik kertas tuh, tengok jap, buat muka muka ala interested kejap. pastuh dengan penuh timing and precision bila kipas dinding tuh elok-elok je menghala situ terus buat-buat terlepas kertas, terus kertas tuh terbang kau ikut kertas tuh amik. just make sure kipas tuh tak tiup ke arah meja pendaftaran teros sebab in this case aku dah tak leh tolong dah, readykan jelah credit card cecukup.
5 tap dance away to safety?
6 and finally my secret weapon, when all else can't be done, put on a huge smile, cakap "takpe" seribu kali and jalan away.
usually derang nak bagi flier je but sometimes ada yang persistent gila, bukan aku nak kurang ajar ke apa tapi kekadang aku dah ada pun akan jadi panjang lebar sebab anytime ada respons walaupun respons aku "dah ada" mesti panjang cerita sampai kang benda aku dah ada pun derang nak signup lagi sekali. maybe kalau aku ada dua akaun internet aku leh guna yang satu lagi bila yang aku tengah guna penat? wahkuga.
aku dah devise beberapa cara untuk mengelak diaorang tanpa menghurt anyone's feelings:
1 cepat-cepat keluarkan handphone and buat macam tengah cakap. kalau buleh cipta conversation palsu and dalam conversation palsu tuh kau banyak cakap AA? AAAAA! sebab bila kau tengah mengAAA! dah tentu kau kena mendongak and mendongak lah antara method terbaik untuk effectively ignore dunia yang melingkungi gravity and ultimately diaorang.
2 kalau kau student cepat-cepat keluarkan apa-apa kertas dari file and counter offer apa diaorang offer. just cipta something cam oh yake? apa pula pendapat encik mengenai broadband lalala.
kalau kau nak buat lagi comedic, kau counter offer dengan benda yang sama diaorang offer cam dia cakap encik mau register ini celcom broadband?!?!?! mau?! engkau pun cam encik mau register ini celcom broadband?!?!?! mau?? wtf?
siapa kesah asal kau cakap sambil membelakang and gerak ke arah away dari derang dan ke jarak yang selamat sebab kalau kau perasan semua orang promosi nih ada limit sampai kat satu garisan imaginasi dia akan retreat balik ke 'home' dia. aku rasa derang ada cam boss diaorang on the line walkie talkie kecik kat telinga cam kalau jauh sangat takut management shopping complex marah so boss akan jerit operation promixity exceeded! mission recalled, return to base immediately, over!
3 jerit "manusia bogel!" and tunjuk belakang diaorang, pastuh lari and escape. ini agak kelakar, sebab kau sebut manusia! haha, kalau mamat yang bagi flier tuh laki and dia sempat fikir yang manusia boleh mean either male or female (or both), adakah dia telah make a decent decision untuk pandang kerana decision nya itu boleh menyebabkan dia tertengok konek (and worse, bulu jembut) (and worser, skrotum) laki lain.
aku pun tak tahu, kau kena perhati betul betul lah, kalau pempromosi tuh jenis yang senang didistract taktik nih boleh digunakan.
4 taktik nih cuma akan efektif kalau ada kipas atau angin berdekatan. biasa orang orang promote bende nih akan kasi kertas ke apa ke pasal apa dia nak jual kat korang. so korang stop, amik kertas tuh, tengok jap, buat muka muka ala interested kejap. pastuh dengan penuh timing and precision bila kipas dinding tuh elok-elok je menghala situ terus buat-buat terlepas kertas, terus kertas tuh terbang kau ikut kertas tuh amik. just make sure kipas tuh tak tiup ke arah meja pendaftaran teros sebab in this case aku dah tak leh tolong dah, readykan jelah credit card cecukup.
5 tap dance away to safety?
6 and finally my secret weapon, when all else can't be done, put on a huge smile, cakap "takpe" seribu kali and jalan away.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
a loser's review: the losers
two movies were enjoying the hype before the losers was released and i managed to catch both prior to watching it. it was kick-ass and date night.
now kick-ass has been getting a lot of praise. i enjoyed it, a bit, but it was just okay. a few chuckles here and there, a wow during the last scene with that gta-status weapon, a "yeah nicholas fucking cage, biatch!" when nicholas cage arrives onscreen, other than that well it was, alright, i guess.
kids cussing, big deal this is 2010, comical ultra-violence, big deal the koreans and the japs have been doing it since forever. some dude in-movie complaining about why no one normal would just decide to become a super hero in real life one day when he is actually in a comic and in comic world that happens all the time, eye roll material.
truthfully what bothered me was the cussing, it was a bit annoying, and forced as fuck. they needlessly fit in overused cuss words everywhere. kids cussing is cool and all but halfway through the movie it became a chore to listen to. they should've made like the thick of it and hired a british swear consultant to look over the script.
and what is with every single fucking reviewer or pseudo-reviewer i've read going "kick-ass is simply put... kick ass!" (cue me rolling eyes and forcing my imaginary cat to do the same). it was supposed to be comic satire but what satire where?
date night i watched because i had a 2-hour window between ticket purchase and showing time for the losers. it was really meh. james franco and mila kunis were funnier than the leading couple and they had like what just slightly longer than their trailer appearance of screentime? but i'm biased, i don't find tina fey or steve carrell funny. at least not anymore. the movie was really meh despite some nice supporting casts (marky mark, ray liotta, common, liam mcpoyle from it's sunny, even leon from curb was in this!).
this movie was one of those movies where you don't need to watch the movie the trailer would suffice. the whole time steve carrell was on screen i only laughed once and that was because he was exchanging words with franco and franco said something funny and my laugh spilled as the camera cut to steve. the whole time tina fey was onscreen i was thinking about how funnier it would be if it was sweet dee instead.
then it was finally time for THE LOSERS!
i knew exactly what to expect, an a-team kinda shit (how fitting for the a-team remake trailer to come out before the showing). i've read some reviews dismissing it as just another action movie. i don't mind at all, i'm always excited to watch action movies on the big screen.
the opening sequence to set up the story was simple and tight, i loved that and had a small feeling that i would really enjoy this movie but i won't get too excited, i'll judge it when it's finished. true enough, after it ended i couldn't help thinking about how i loved it. this is one movie that i loved so much i'm prepared to just ignore the reviews and actually formulate an opinion totally on my own and stick to it! (*gasp* how could i!) cause you gotta admit not too many people like it. it is, a bit too mindless for your friendly everyday connoisseurs i guess.
but what it did to me was, it made me that small boy again, watching an episode of a-team all by himself, giggling and being all-round giddy. of course a particular unimpressed reviewer did say it panned out like a bad episode of the a-team but when i was a kid i've never not enjoyed any episode of a-team so this is not necessarily the worse thing.
i also don't remember the last time i laughed out loud uncontrollably in a cinema and i went alone. there was this one scene involving the funny white dude, he started with a really funny scene *laughs* follows it with another funny scene *laughs* and ended with a scene that was just too funny i just had to laugh the fuck up. great buildup.
whoever played that guy, he was really good. you will find most stereotype chatty gadget-geek type in movies to be annoying, like seriously annoying, they always over pronounce or overstress intonations when quipping a joke as if smirking to themselves wow i'm so smartalecky and referentially funny but this guy was just naturally and innocently comedic (or genuinely and hilariously geeky). he is also one of the most well built geek i've seen.
the casting was really good, their chemistry made me all warm inside. because i feel this is what makes the movie, i'm gonna do this one by one:
the main good guy leader dude - the first time i saw his eyes i thought he was gonna be good. i didn't realize that he was the guy who acted as the comedian in the watchmen. no wonder he was impressive. he looks like a cross between robert downey jr. and nicholas cage.
the tough black dude - it's STRINGER FUCKING BELL. you can't go wrong.
the funny geek white dude - this guy is classic. i always find the stereotype fast-mouth in post-90s movies annoying and i was ready to write him off, but he proved me wrong. this guy is just too jolly, you'll love him if you love kittens and shit. he's like a mix between donatello and michaelangelo of the teenage mutant ninja turtles.
the quiet cool sniper - i always have a thing for the quiet character and this guy was mad cool. and to top it off, he's a fucking badass sniper wahukgea. and to top that off, he's latino. i'm all kiddie mancrush whenever he's on screen.
the sarcastic black dude - this guy is the vehicle expert, i think that's kind of a cool specialty. he's also mad sarcastic, not white boy annoyate inflection when saying something ironic sarcastic, i'm saying he's MAD sarcastic. when he's angry he gets hilariously sarcastic. i think only black people are capable of pulling this off nicely. that might sound cliche but i find that in this movie there is no really cheap exploitation of racial stereotypes, everybody just seemed like themselves.
the chick - she's the chick from star trek and avatar. she fits the character quite nicely. and she's very tanned. i love it when a movie focuses on tanned women instead of over-glorifying some not really that hot white chick ala megan fox. cause come on dawg, seriously tanned women are the height of excellence! i mean, the bees knees.
the bad guy and his henchman - the bad guy is really really funny, and some of the best moments are his exchanges with the grunt assistant.
there are some other characters but these are the notable ones. i think this movie could have easily been just another action movie but they made very good choices with the cast. i mean i am biased due to my nostalgic love of something so old schooly, simple, and a-teamy but if you can diss everything else about the film you definitely can't have anything against the casting, it was very good. and if you do, i don't really give a half-fuck let alone a full one.
the movie's overall production was modernly slick though, a lotta cool music video or advertisement kinda editing mixed in with comic elements. i do enjoy movies that employ such gimmicks especially those parts when they morph actual footage to illustrations but in this case those are just additional joymakers.
notice how i didn't make any mention of and comment on the story line or plot. wahukgea. no need to point out the obvious.
it was just great to feel like a kid again. all it took were cool characters with contrasting characteristics, good chemistry between them, humour, guns, decent action, and the rest will follow.
bonus reviews:
shutter island
really enjoyed this one. very well made. the acting was top notch especially from leo and his sidekick (i liked his accent "need a light, boss?"). also the professor. made me question my sanity for quiet a bit. the storyline might have lost some shock value due to it being overdone but you just need to stop trying to predict or anything just enjoy the ride and take it for what it is.
veronica mars season 1-2
i haven't finished season 3 yet but so far brilliant. i really like it, even went on a binge for a little while. contemporary setting with an old school feel. the joy of finding out what the mystery is all about fuels my interest. and the never ending big lebowski references.
how to train your dragon
surprisingly despite the annoying smart talking geek (yes my point again), quite enjoyable, better than avatar at least.
the slammin' salmon
it was ok. i wish the broken lizard team would just make a super troopers sequel already. that was their best shit and it seems will forever only be.
frequently asked questions about time travel
i might be an anglophile but this is garbage.
now kick-ass has been getting a lot of praise. i enjoyed it, a bit, but it was just okay. a few chuckles here and there, a wow during the last scene with that gta-status weapon, a "yeah nicholas fucking cage, biatch!" when nicholas cage arrives onscreen, other than that well it was, alright, i guess.
kids cussing, big deal this is 2010, comical ultra-violence, big deal the koreans and the japs have been doing it since forever. some dude in-movie complaining about why no one normal would just decide to become a super hero in real life one day when he is actually in a comic and in comic world that happens all the time, eye roll material.
truthfully what bothered me was the cussing, it was a bit annoying, and forced as fuck. they needlessly fit in overused cuss words everywhere. kids cussing is cool and all but halfway through the movie it became a chore to listen to. they should've made like the thick of it and hired a british swear consultant to look over the script.
and what is with every single fucking reviewer or pseudo-reviewer i've read going "kick-ass is simply put... kick ass!" (cue me rolling eyes and forcing my imaginary cat to do the same). it was supposed to be comic satire but what satire where?
date night i watched because i had a 2-hour window between ticket purchase and showing time for the losers. it was really meh. james franco and mila kunis were funnier than the leading couple and they had like what just slightly longer than their trailer appearance of screentime? but i'm biased, i don't find tina fey or steve carrell funny. at least not anymore. the movie was really meh despite some nice supporting casts (marky mark, ray liotta, common, liam mcpoyle from it's sunny, even leon from curb was in this!).
this movie was one of those movies where you don't need to watch the movie the trailer would suffice. the whole time steve carrell was on screen i only laughed once and that was because he was exchanging words with franco and franco said something funny and my laugh spilled as the camera cut to steve. the whole time tina fey was onscreen i was thinking about how funnier it would be if it was sweet dee instead.
then it was finally time for THE LOSERS!
i knew exactly what to expect, an a-team kinda shit (how fitting for the a-team remake trailer to come out before the showing). i've read some reviews dismissing it as just another action movie. i don't mind at all, i'm always excited to watch action movies on the big screen.
the opening sequence to set up the story was simple and tight, i loved that and had a small feeling that i would really enjoy this movie but i won't get too excited, i'll judge it when it's finished. true enough, after it ended i couldn't help thinking about how i loved it. this is one movie that i loved so much i'm prepared to just ignore the reviews and actually formulate an opinion totally on my own and stick to it! (*gasp* how could i!) cause you gotta admit not too many people like it. it is, a bit too mindless for your friendly everyday connoisseurs i guess.
but what it did to me was, it made me that small boy again, watching an episode of a-team all by himself, giggling and being all-round giddy. of course a particular unimpressed reviewer did say it panned out like a bad episode of the a-team but when i was a kid i've never not enjoyed any episode of a-team so this is not necessarily the worse thing.
i also don't remember the last time i laughed out loud uncontrollably in a cinema and i went alone. there was this one scene involving the funny white dude, he started with a really funny scene *laughs* follows it with another funny scene *laughs* and ended with a scene that was just too funny i just had to laugh the fuck up. great buildup.
whoever played that guy, he was really good. you will find most stereotype chatty gadget-geek type in movies to be annoying, like seriously annoying, they always over pronounce or overstress intonations when quipping a joke as if smirking to themselves wow i'm so smartalecky and referentially funny but this guy was just naturally and innocently comedic (or genuinely and hilariously geeky). he is also one of the most well built geek i've seen.
the casting was really good, their chemistry made me all warm inside. because i feel this is what makes the movie, i'm gonna do this one by one:
the tough black dude - it's STRINGER FUCKING BELL. you can't go wrong.
stringer fucking bell
the funny geek white dude - this guy is classic. i always find the stereotype fast-mouth in post-90s movies annoying and i was ready to write him off, but he proved me wrong. this guy is just too jolly, you'll love him if you love kittens and shit. he's like a mix between donatello and michaelangelo of the teenage mutant ninja turtles.
the sarcastic black dude - this guy is the vehicle expert, i think that's kind of a cool specialty. he's also mad sarcastic, not white boy annoyate inflection when saying something ironic sarcastic, i'm saying he's MAD sarcastic. when he's angry he gets hilariously sarcastic. i think only black people are capable of pulling this off nicely. that might sound cliche but i find that in this movie there is no really cheap exploitation of racial stereotypes, everybody just seemed like themselves.
the chick - she's the chick from star trek and avatar. she fits the character quite nicely. and she's very tanned. i love it when a movie focuses on tanned women instead of over-glorifying some not really that hot white chick ala megan fox. cause come on dawg, seriously tanned women are the height of excellence! i mean, the bees knees.
the bad guy and his henchman - the bad guy is really really funny, and some of the best moments are his exchanges with the grunt assistant.
there are some other characters but these are the notable ones. i think this movie could have easily been just another action movie but they made very good choices with the cast. i mean i am biased due to my nostalgic love of something so old schooly, simple, and a-teamy but if you can diss everything else about the film you definitely can't have anything against the casting, it was very good. and if you do, i don't really give a half-fuck let alone a full one.
the movie's overall production was modernly slick though, a lotta cool music video or advertisement kinda editing mixed in with comic elements. i do enjoy movies that employ such gimmicks especially those parts when they morph actual footage to illustrations but in this case those are just additional joymakers.
notice how i didn't make any mention of and comment on the story line or plot. wahukgea. no need to point out the obvious.
it was just great to feel like a kid again. all it took were cool characters with contrasting characteristics, good chemistry between them, humour, guns, decent action, and the rest will follow.
bonus reviews:
shutter island
really enjoyed this one. very well made. the acting was top notch especially from leo and his sidekick (i liked his accent "need a light, boss?"). also the professor. made me question my sanity for quiet a bit. the storyline might have lost some shock value due to it being overdone but you just need to stop trying to predict or anything just enjoy the ride and take it for what it is.
veronica mars season 1-2
i haven't finished season 3 yet but so far brilliant. i really like it, even went on a binge for a little while. contemporary setting with an old school feel. the joy of finding out what the mystery is all about fuels my interest. and the never ending big lebowski references.
how to train your dragon
surprisingly despite the annoying smart talking geek (yes my point again), quite enjoyable, better than avatar at least.
the slammin' salmon
it was ok. i wish the broken lizard team would just make a super troopers sequel already. that was their best shit and it seems will forever only be.
frequently asked questions about time travel
i might be an anglophile but this is garbage.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
something bout the way you do the things you do
in the car on the way home i told myself, penyelamat dunia, never ever even begin to ideate stepping foot in that place again without your girlfriend.
i am a dude, i would break into a drought-relieving amount of sweat if i had to purchase something, especially when i have to choose, even if there was only one choice.
here i was in this restaurant. as it relates so much to choice, i have never been good with menus, i always end up with something the opposite of what i like by my own foolish doing. you have to forgive me, how do you read and begin to understand these things, there are these terms, these technical technical terms, like butter, garlic, mushrooms and what have yous.
i am but a regular guy, there is only one ingredient i am familiar with that comes from the kitchen - food.
in a proper restaurant with so many choices on pages upon pages of... hardened paper?, i am like a woman trying to figure out the right specifications for her future new cpu. yes, exactly. i am flipping back and forth forth and back, this is exactly like me trying to read a book and eventually giving up before finishing the foreword, except right now i am hungry, and the solution lies within this book i am holding on with sheer cluelessness to.
i actually had an agenda. a few months ago me and my cutie went here. the waiter gave some bread as starters and my gf taught me to eat with the two liquid whatever they were on the table. i really liked that and i wanted to taste it again.
don't make that face, i assure you i did not fuck that up. what kinda screwup would i be to fail at getting something that the staff would only stop short of force feeding me. that was nice. the other thing was what my gf ordered. i wanted to taste that again too. now achieving that alone, is the struggle.
my gf was not in the country but i did have my phone with me and i could easily sms or phone her to ask what it was. but there was pressure. i had spent about five minutes just reading everything on the menu trying to figure out what it was and by the time my genius mind finally came up with the idea of basic telecommunications one of the waiters was already standing nearby as if waiting impatiently for my set of command.
of course he wasn't, he was probably just there waiting for an empty glass of ice lemon tea to jollyly refill. and even if he was, who gives a fuck, i am a customer, i can browse the menu as long as i want. but i can't, because i am not normal. and how do you expect me to be calm and collected and to make the right decision, there is an imaginary waiter hissing and clicking his tongue with all the impatience of a traffic jam attendee.
so i made the wrong decision to just follow my gut and point at my (wrong) choice. and i had to finish it. driving home with a glutted belly but unfulfilled taste buds.
all i could imagine as i made the turn to go right back home was the grace of a woman's delicate fingers turning the pages only to browse as she had already made up her mind, her big funky eyes glowing at the ingredients fine written below the fancy names. all alien to me, as alien as aliens.
women don't even need to know what they want, it's their method when being approached with the idea of choice. it's their ability to block out everything and everyone but their mind and modus operandi when dealing with options. when they are looking, and formulating countless separate opinions they are almost floating and gliding from one to the next, back to the one, and then the other. what a sight. so baby, come home quick i miss you.
i am a dude, i would break into a drought-relieving amount of sweat if i had to purchase something, especially when i have to choose, even if there was only one choice.
here i was in this restaurant. as it relates so much to choice, i have never been good with menus, i always end up with something the opposite of what i like by my own foolish doing. you have to forgive me, how do you read and begin to understand these things, there are these terms, these technical technical terms, like butter, garlic, mushrooms and what have yous.
i am but a regular guy, there is only one ingredient i am familiar with that comes from the kitchen - food.
in a proper restaurant with so many choices on pages upon pages of... hardened paper?, i am like a woman trying to figure out the right specifications for her future new cpu. yes, exactly. i am flipping back and forth forth and back, this is exactly like me trying to read a book and eventually giving up before finishing the foreword, except right now i am hungry, and the solution lies within this book i am holding on with sheer cluelessness to.
i actually had an agenda. a few months ago me and my cutie went here. the waiter gave some bread as starters and my gf taught me to eat with the two liquid whatever they were on the table. i really liked that and i wanted to taste it again.
don't make that face, i assure you i did not fuck that up. what kinda screwup would i be to fail at getting something that the staff would only stop short of force feeding me. that was nice. the other thing was what my gf ordered. i wanted to taste that again too. now achieving that alone, is the struggle.
my gf was not in the country but i did have my phone with me and i could easily sms or phone her to ask what it was. but there was pressure. i had spent about five minutes just reading everything on the menu trying to figure out what it was and by the time my genius mind finally came up with the idea of basic telecommunications one of the waiters was already standing nearby as if waiting impatiently for my set of command.
of course he wasn't, he was probably just there waiting for an empty glass of ice lemon tea to jollyly refill. and even if he was, who gives a fuck, i am a customer, i can browse the menu as long as i want. but i can't, because i am not normal. and how do you expect me to be calm and collected and to make the right decision, there is an imaginary waiter hissing and clicking his tongue with all the impatience of a traffic jam attendee.
so i made the wrong decision to just follow my gut and point at my (wrong) choice. and i had to finish it. driving home with a glutted belly but unfulfilled taste buds.
all i could imagine as i made the turn to go right back home was the grace of a woman's delicate fingers turning the pages only to browse as she had already made up her mind, her big funky eyes glowing at the ingredients fine written below the fancy names. all alien to me, as alien as aliens.
women don't even need to know what they want, it's their method when being approached with the idea of choice. it's their ability to block out everything and everyone but their mind and modus operandi when dealing with options. when they are looking, and formulating countless separate opinions they are almost floating and gliding from one to the next, back to the one, and then the other. what a sight. so baby, come home quick i miss you.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
adegan yang tidak ingin kita lihat
minggu lepas benda bongong jadi kat kelas aku kat kolej.
lecturer aku buat this competition sorta, semua orang kena nyanyi satu lagu secara karaoke and then after lagu tuh kena jawab soalan interview ala ala miss world pelanch (kalau kau amik course aku kau paham ah kenapa bende-bende camnih selalu dibuat). siapa yang menang, akan diberi pass takyah datang kelas dia dua minggu and dapat full marks dalam one of the tests free free je.
apa dia buat dia bawak laptop dia sambung kat speakers and dia akan select file apa and kita kena nyanyi, kena pilih yang ada kat hardrive dia. a few days before kawan aku black dude nyanyi lagu apa tah best gila, aku tengok pun dah intimidated gila babi cam aku takde chance ah lepas nih, dia jawap soalan interview pun rilek je dengan charming padahal soalan semua menusuk minda dan emosi bagaikan kayu lidi yang menembusi kulit intelek wait what.
sampai turn aku lecturer kasi chance sikit sebab aku istimewa. dia kata aku leh pilih dulu apa aku nak nyanyi. aku tengok tengok, fuck, mana aku tahu lagu-lagu nih semua lagu lagu popular baru aku dah lama kot tak dengar radio aku lagi suka lepak dalam bilik dengar paip tandas aku buat breakbeat sambil kucing dengan anjing kat luar nyanyi ala ala beth gibbons sebab aku loser yang tak ikut perkembangan zaman.
last last aku cam, you choose for me sir, i don't care anything will do. aku figured aku leh try sing a long je tengok the words kat laptop dia tuh.
so lagu pun start memula tuh buleh lah aku follow sikit sebab dia cam ada backing melody part nyanyi so aku follow sekali dah after 3 lines camtuh dah susah nak follow bebudak dalam kelas semua dah pandang aku lain macam aku terus argh fuck it. teros aku buat lirik sendiri guna movie yang aku tengok semalam.
ohhh remember baby! when we were swimming in the brains of the big king kong we were experimenting on ohh baby do you remember! you and me flying in the car passing through jungles looking at giant worms from afaaaaaaaar it was beauuutiful the wormmsss of arcadiaaaaaaaaaaaaaa yeah yeah yeahhh siap tarik tarik perkataan yang tak ada logika.
wahukkgea dah tak sedar diri dah, tapi yang bestnya lecturer aku pun dah tak tahan gelak, bebudak dalam kelas pun. haha.
time tanya soalan pulak aku memang blur macam biasa, aku loyar buruk ah. soalan paling cikai dia bagi first first, dia tanya why should i let you skip my class bla bla bla, aku jawap of course sir, cause i am your most disciplined student, whenever the class is noisy i would stand up knock on my table and authoritively declare silence is golden! silence is golden! bebudak dah boooooooooo and buat bising sebab memang tak ah kan wauhkugea aku selalu tidur je dalam kelas.
lepas tuh apa tah lagi soalan dia tanya, oh yeah ada satu lagi soalan dia tanya cam give me an example of a good usage of creative elements to enhance non fiction storytelling. aku yang blur nih bagi jawapan paling bodoh dalam dunia aku cakap the usage of theater screens to show adaptations of stories which otherwise must be read from the book. wauhkukgea memang ah some classmates tergelak tapi dalam hati mesti cam cibaneng mamat nih. bebudak lain bagi jawapan yang at least close to jawapan betul aku leh buat perangai monyet lak.
haha. masa turn aku habis and aku nak pergi balik meja lecturer aku cakap "maybe i should give you two weeks off" dengan penuh sarcastic..."maybe i should give you the whole course off". wahukgea babi bebudak semua gelak gila babi. of course lecturer tuh cakap dengan penuh sarcastic implying maybe he should fail me padahal dia takkan failkan aku, dia sayang aku. at least that's what my denial thinks. ah whatever. gua pergi balik kerusi, tidur balik.
*mana-mana ayat yang tidak ditanda dengan '*' adalah cerita rekaan semata-mata.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
why i can't hate on clash of the titans
okay it didn't feature giant fucking gorillas with batwings but it had...
giant scorpions, arabian sorcerer basketball players, cool old warriors with facial hair + dreadlocks and shit, a stalker lady who gives advice with a loving concerned voice, a giant snake woman whose home is a nightmare for barefooted anyone (you almost always can't lose with giant snakes, refer conan the barbarian), a gargantuan empire state building sized bodybuilder octopus hybrid who lives in the ocean and strolls through the water like a giant eel made out of frozen petroleum, mountain side the o.c. like ancient cities, flying horses, yeah you get it shit like that.
i enjoyed "crappy" movies like g.i. joe and 2012 so watchu expect
sure i won't be rushing to get the dvds for repeated viewings but these are movies that because of the epic cgis are a spectacle to watch at the cinema on a giant fucking screen. it's almost like a giant zoo with a cage full of giant fucking gorillas with batwings. the gorillas don't really have any articulacy or an interesting back story rich with enigmatic and novelly built-up climactic twists and sequences to offer but dude, look... giant fucking gorillas with batwings!
simple things like those helicopter circling shots from afar of people walking through beautiful ancient surroundings can make me be like woah
yeah.
i can casually ignore the absence of a good plot, and/or dialogues etc.
if you know me i'm kind of a film geek, well sorta, i guess, but i can also switch off quite easily. at the big screens i have enjoyed a shitload of movies deemed to be shitty. sometimes a movie is just about the experience, and it does not need to fulfill the elaborate requirements that 'people with taste' (wahkugeawageahukga) look for or expect to be enjoyable. i mean, in certain movies why are you giving a fuck about plot and shit like that anyway, dude, giant fucking gorillas with batwings!
exploitation is now the mainstream
it's studios looking to cash-in. develop easy-to-make movies, inflate something else more marketable (usually the action or the cgi or boobs) to compensate for the lack of everything else. the classic exploitation movies wouldn't get the best ratings on most movie sites but they inspire adoration from the biggest dweebs of today eg. one of the most prominent geeks in the industry, quentin tarantino. two things are going against the exploitation movies of today, they are not underground therefore not rare and 'kewl', and now is not two decades after they were released, yet, cause as proven time and time again time can mellow the hate.
there will be people who create something entertaining and meaningful, and there will be some that make something just barbarically entertaining
some people will create shit like the wire which is an example of perfect novelly storytelling with dialogues to wank to but is also at the same time entertaining (mainly cause it featured cool thuggish black dudes and cops), and on the other hand some people will create ridiculous shit featuring shit like vin diesel racing through with a car that impossibly yet almost leisurely avoids a clumsily stumbling tanker on fire or skirted men fighting giants while throwing toothbrush advertisement catchphrases at each other. and i can appreciate both. when it comes to enjoying shit i can be the geek, the jock, or the stoner, all in one go or paired up, or individually.
but then again, maybe i'm just not geek enough
most geeks thrive on nostalgic comparison. clash of the titans geeks will most probably note how awesome and characterful the stop motion creations of ray harryhausen were but back in the days i didn't watch the original so i couldn't be all purist about it. i was however a fan of jason and the argonauts which ray regarded as featuring his best stop motion work but i can't be too geeky about it maybe cause i don't remember much. but ironically, the mental jaw drop i had as a kid watching the dudes sailing through giant statues and shit in jason and the argonauts was present when the helicopter camera views were circling the giant statues in the new clash of the titans so i dunno, i think it comes down to the next point.
kiddy awe
i'm glad i still have it, those simple things that attract you to watch a movie as a kid, all those gimmicks. maybe not as much as when i was a kid but to have at least a bit of it would be pure heaven. it's is quite a pleasure to be easily amused.
most people who are gonna be dissing shit like clash of titans are assholes anyway so whatever
i'm pretty sure most people who are gonna be like clash of titans was crap would also be those lauding avatar. it's funny cause to me avatar and clash the titans are pretty much the same movie. i would admit avatar winning in the technology department as the cgi was more impressive but it's pretty much the same thing, rehashed linear plot with whatever dialogues but woah cgis creations. well to tell you the truth, i enjoyed clash of the titans more cause i mean admit it, avatar was kinda gay.
it was kinda lotr-lite and i'm a sucker for fantasical shit
yeah i am put random giant beasts and mythical humanoids or creatures in a movie and i'll be like whoa! dude!
giant scorpions, arabian sorcerer basketball players, cool old warriors with facial hair + dreadlocks and shit, a stalker lady who gives advice with a loving concerned voice, a giant snake woman whose home is a nightmare for barefooted anyone (you almost always can't lose with giant snakes, refer conan the barbarian), a gargantuan empire state building sized bodybuilder octopus hybrid who lives in the ocean and strolls through the water like a giant eel made out of frozen petroleum, mountain side the o.c. like ancient cities, flying horses, yeah you get it shit like that.
i think this dude is pretty cool and i kinda had a man-crush on him:
i enjoyed "crappy" movies like g.i. joe and 2012 so watchu expect
sure i won't be rushing to get the dvds for repeated viewings but these are movies that because of the epic cgis are a spectacle to watch at the cinema on a giant fucking screen. it's almost like a giant zoo with a cage full of giant fucking gorillas with batwings. the gorillas don't really have any articulacy or an interesting back story rich with enigmatic and novelly built-up climactic twists and sequences to offer but dude, look... giant fucking gorillas with batwings!
simple things like those helicopter circling shots from afar of people walking through beautiful ancient surroundings can make me be like woah
yeah.
i can casually ignore the absence of a good plot, and/or dialogues etc.
if you know me i'm kind of a film geek, well sorta, i guess, but i can also switch off quite easily. at the big screens i have enjoyed a shitload of movies deemed to be shitty. sometimes a movie is just about the experience, and it does not need to fulfill the elaborate requirements that 'people with taste' (wahkugeawageahukga) look for or expect to be enjoyable. i mean, in certain movies why are you giving a fuck about plot and shit like that anyway, dude, giant fucking gorillas with batwings!
exploitation is now the mainstream
it's studios looking to cash-in. develop easy-to-make movies, inflate something else more marketable (usually the action or the cgi or boobs) to compensate for the lack of everything else. the classic exploitation movies wouldn't get the best ratings on most movie sites but they inspire adoration from the biggest dweebs of today eg. one of the most prominent geeks in the industry, quentin tarantino. two things are going against the exploitation movies of today, they are not underground therefore not rare and 'kewl', and now is not two decades after they were released, yet, cause as proven time and time again time can mellow the hate.
there will be people who create something entertaining and meaningful, and there will be some that make something just barbarically entertaining
some people will create shit like the wire which is an example of perfect novelly storytelling with dialogues to wank to but is also at the same time entertaining (mainly cause it featured cool thuggish black dudes and cops), and on the other hand some people will create ridiculous shit featuring shit like vin diesel racing through with a car that impossibly yet almost leisurely avoids a clumsily stumbling tanker on fire or skirted men fighting giants while throwing toothbrush advertisement catchphrases at each other. and i can appreciate both. when it comes to enjoying shit i can be the geek, the jock, or the stoner, all in one go or paired up, or individually.
but then again, maybe i'm just not geek enough
most geeks thrive on nostalgic comparison. clash of the titans geeks will most probably note how awesome and characterful the stop motion creations of ray harryhausen were but back in the days i didn't watch the original so i couldn't be all purist about it. i was however a fan of jason and the argonauts which ray regarded as featuring his best stop motion work but i can't be too geeky about it maybe cause i don't remember much. but ironically, the mental jaw drop i had as a kid watching the dudes sailing through giant statues and shit in jason and the argonauts was present when the helicopter camera views were circling the giant statues in the new clash of the titans so i dunno, i think it comes down to the next point.
kiddy awe
i'm glad i still have it, those simple things that attract you to watch a movie as a kid, all those gimmicks. maybe not as much as when i was a kid but to have at least a bit of it would be pure heaven. it's is quite a pleasure to be easily amused.
most people who are gonna be dissing shit like clash of titans are assholes anyway so whatever
i'm pretty sure most people who are gonna be like clash of titans was crap would also be those lauding avatar. it's funny cause to me avatar and clash the titans are pretty much the same movie. i would admit avatar winning in the technology department as the cgi was more impressive but it's pretty much the same thing, rehashed linear plot with whatever dialogues but woah cgis creations. well to tell you the truth, i enjoyed clash of the titans more cause i mean admit it, avatar was kinda gay.
it was kinda lotr-lite and i'm a sucker for fantasical shit
yeah i am put random giant beasts and mythical humanoids or creatures in a movie and i'll be like whoa! dude!
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