Monday, June 25, 2007

Throw Your Hands In The Air, Wave Em Like You Just Don't Care

Today was funny, and beautiful in its own way.

I lost my virginity.

Oh well, I'm just gonna put the twist here and declare there's no other twist to avoid annoying ya ass like m-nite-syanalan or heroes (fuck heroes), cause I know y'all think I'm only gonna lose my virginity to some hot-ass-slut-malay-artist-chick who looks like Raja Farah in my blog banner and I haven't met her yet .. okay uh well y'all actually think I'll never get laid unless by Jessica Alba's lookalike, who's a genuine female too .. okay just kidding y'all'are playa haters, fuck all y'all.

I had my first car breakdown in the middle of the highway (I've been driving for nearly a decade). Not that I've never been in accidents, two times, minor, I hit it from the back and from the front, I covered the two basic sexual positions. But mysteriously both victims or shall I say lucky recipients of my schlong, drove away without asking for compensation. Is this a metaphor for my future sex life (if any.. God? if you hear me?)? - I can see it on billboards with a big picture of me smiling - "Bang all, pay none".

So yeah, I mean, driving home from work, interchange out to the highway, push the pedal - no response, glide to the slow lane, push pedal again - no response, emergency lane it is. Stop. Bang the hazard lights. Re-start engine. Push pedal - no response - engine down.

I didn't panic but I've never been in this situation. Luckily, the S.O.S phone was nearby, probably around 15 steps. I tried to be a dick and started actually pushing my car towards somewhere right besides the phone before deciding that it was stupid and dangerous - with all the big ass lorries fondling me and the flapping car door with its windy after effects. But I'm telling you sonn, the S.O.S phone was the first thing I saw before the clit mobile broke down, gotta say God was pissing on me with kidney stones made from freckles of luck. I mean even the weather was nice, not raining, not hot - just nice, like cape town without the muggers.

14 steps later... I have always wondered how these PLUS S.O.S thingies work, most probably it's a phone and there's a list of numbers to call. Turns out they're kinda like those apartments thingy, whatchucall'em. At first I thought I'm supposed to put a coin in, how stupid was that. There's something you can flip - what's this? - looks fun - flippety flip - oh wait there's instructions you can read dimnip, "flip that shit, wait for dude to answer, talk clearly aight" or something like that - done that. Some dude on the otha end, me complaining "ada keta rosak", "okay saya hantar ronda".

What didn't occur to me was that it could've been caused by no petrol, my petrol indicator is fucked, and I need a lot of time and money to fix that. I thought I full tanked my cunt mobile last friday but I can't be sure, I do dashboard-automate-calculate my travels - I've travelled 400 km since the last time I full tanked. Hmm. Whatever. Should've mentioned it to dude. I mean nothing was fucking up in the engine, and if it's battery I wouldn't have even been able to start that shit. Whatever.

Help dudes arrived. Confirmed it's petrol. He offered to buy for me as much as his big whatever bottle thingy could fit. It would take quite a long time. He would have to go there one direction - buy - go back one direction - go back another to my car. Well then. He bought. Let him keep the change which was quite a lot though I'm not fully sure as we don't have any tipping culture here. And I can move now.

    So basically while waiting for help. I did not take a piss .. facing the road. I did not take a picture of a topless busty half malay half arab babe. I did not try to climb the gates and see if there's anyone fucking behind the bushes. I also miraculously did not try to lay in the middle of the highway when there's no mobiles around. What a boring person I must be, even my list of what I did not do is dull as fuck.

Anyway, I had to make a move to the nearest petrol station slowly steadily quickly with limited petrol. So said "temekeseh aah bang" and waited for a truck to drive by before getting back in motion lane. Looked ahead. Guess what fucking fuck was the trucking truck? Yes dear readers, a Petronas petroleum tanker. Very funny. Whatever.

You see if you've been hopping massage parlours you'd surely come across some that offer extra services. I've been in shitloads of Petronases (Cause they sell pizzas, paus, and burgers not cause'a'tha cheap and quality fuel mind you), but I've never come across one offering extra services. This one did, this one somewhere near batu tiga. First dude offered a change of wipers which I bought cause mine was domestically fucked. Some other dude walked towards and offered, yep you guessed it you ponce - A FUEL saving liquid. Very funny, very very funny, I get it, okay? What's next? Orang minyak climbing on top of my car before breaking into a rap verse? An offshore platform in the middle of damansara? Sarah Silverman lookalike soaked in baby oil? .. .. .. ..


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Well you shall never deny God (If you don't believe in him, well, Chance) does have a twisted sense of humour, he (If you're a feminist, fuck off, HE) did afterall invent humour in all its glory whether in the form of stand up comedians or jay-z's lips or whatever or whatever and so on .. and as pointed out by Kevin Smith movies - "the platypus" and "faces during sex".

So today was a bit tiring and 0.05% traumatic, but it did put a big wide ganja-like smile on my face, fittingly enough, turned on the stereo to Bob Marley crooning I don wAAnA waaaayiittt in vaaahaaaiiinnnn.

I don't wanna wait in vain for you beautiful, can cook iron clean etc., b-cup or slightly bigger princess/queen (I'll decide a minimum age later in life).

So come now, join me in my twat mobile. For you, I shall empty my tank, everyday, forever.

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