Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Transformers : More Than Meets The Eye

I've been getting a lot of heat regarding my transformers review. These past few hours I've been plagued by calls, smses, emails, etcetra etceggha whateva. People are pissed. People are calling for my head. Just a few hours ago I was at the nearby 7E, some girl I don't know greeted me with a polite "hi! kawaai" before bashing me for dissing transformers.

Oh man, I can't even sleep. I silenced my handphone, they tried my house phone. I unplugged the house phone, they rung the doorbell. I smashed the doorbell, they knocked the door. I slept at my friend's house, turns out I owed this particular dude 10 plus bucks for a movie ticket. I escaped his house and slept alone at a bus stand, they appeared in my dreams with chainsaws and shit. Fuckin' 'ell. I heard around 46 transformers puritans were killed in KL by action movie lovers yesterday alone, now they're targetting the puritans' symphatizers. People like me. What trauma. Sun Ra yelling preaching in my left ear "watchu gon' dooooo, bout yow ASSSSSSSSSS?".

So I've decided to make peace, I gathered them all around a football field and explained that I only dissed mainly two things - the robot's design and the stupid pointless action scenes (which is dumbness on my part as what'd you expect? it's michael fucking armageddon bay). And so I listed out everything else good about the movie to them. I also had to admit that at least the female was hot. Well she was not THAT hot, she had bad skin, she's aight tho, I'D HIT IT ANYTIME DAWG. Though not as hot as April in TMNT old cartoons, fuck anything to escape a gangbang murder. Although I didn't mean all of it, anything as long as me getting maimed by a bunch of fuckos is avoided. At least some of them bought their children with them, maybe the movie was 25% a piece of shit, but if children loved it, who gives a fuck, it will all benefit the greater good of Hasbro.

And so as they slowly and zombie-ly left the ground, I shouted "SYKEEEEEE!!!" wkauugeauhga and then ran for my life.

I ran into the city, and into an underground highway where the puritans gathered, they call themselves G1ANAL Collective. I need their protection. They were not just content with staying still as flash floods could occur at any time. So they started devouring energon cubes acquired from a mystery chinese meal restaurant. And all of them somehow started transforming into giant square robots. Some of the cooler ones did not have a MOUTH. A few had really cool EQ'd voices. One in particular had an ultra annoying voice. They all flew up onto the surface and transformed into nationally made cars - Proton and Perodua.

The enemies are in sight, they themselves transformed.. into random shit with wires and shit, some of them even had teeth, god knows the fuck for. Some had roller blades. Some shoot guns while doing freestyle gymnast sequences full of physical strength, flexibility, balance, endurance, gracefulness, and creativity. It was chaotic. It was a big riot. Bricks were thrown into the windows of BATA shops. Cameramans were everywhere on roller blades falling down and jumping about randomly. I got fed up and told everyone to shut the fuck up. And then the Iron Giant came and destroyed all the shit. The End.

I watched Iron Giant around last week or the week before that, or maybe the week before the week before that, can't be too sure. I nearly pissed my eye. Well I did, actually. It was beautiful. On some when you were a kid watchin' classic disney movies beautiful. You can never go wrong with giant robots. Sigh.

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