Black Snake Moan
This was aight. Yeah, it was aight. Samuel L. Jackson curing a nympho. Yeah, it was aight.
This was aight too. It was aight. Yeah, it was. It spoofed modern action movies. I probably didn't like it that much cause I hate modern action movies and spoofing action movies involved - yes - scenes that look like modern action movies.
Well, at least it wasn't the gay piece of shit 300 was. I went to watch this with a little hope, and if I had one thing positive to say the hope only ended once the robots started fighting each other and causing a massive headache only achievable through staring closely at random moving pieces of metal shit.
..Or was it when Optimus Prime arrived which gave me around half a minute of nostalgia goosebumps (despite the gay-ass flame bullshit) before he started talking and the camera closes up to his MOUTH. Fuck that shit. I would love to mouth fuck Optimus Prime out of spite.
No I'm not a purist, I don't even remember which robot is which that much, never had a toy myself, I just used to watch the series a lot as a kid .I loved the animation movie too but even that movie changed a lot from the series which was the first love (I don't read comics except for shallow shit like Juara Wira). They had a gay-ass 80's soundtrack (while the series had a mean as fuck one done by elfman), a pink female robot, and a successor to all-that-is-alphamale Optimus Prime named RODimus prime. Gay. But it still rocked cause it also had a lot of other cooler things and, and it kept the cool robot designs. I still cried when I was a child.
I had my first heartbreak when Optimus died. My first orgasm when Galvatron was formed. And my fundie hatred towards homosexuality mildly tamed when my favourite robot Soundwave reunited with his master who has upgraded into a fucking cannon.
I don't mind change, but this was ugly change. They had really cool ass cgs but the designs were urgkhhh. Fucking hell.
I did expect the action scenes to be total random shaky "action" fuckedit shit seeing as this is michael bay and he could've just put a black screen saying "some shit happened" fadeout.. another black screen "some bullshit happened and the good guys kinda won" and I wouldn't complain cause it would've fared better with my fragile brain. But he could've at least hired better designers, like what the fuck? roller-blading decepticons, very masculine, I couldn't tell the difference between all of the decepticons too, the tiny bit of Megatron and Starscream banter was as if some dude punched-in that shit from the sky cause I don't brrfS ckbhA arkuhhkugg fuck this shit I hate it.
Don't tell me aliens aliens bla bla cause who the fuck here has seen a fucking alien? fuck you.
However the movie did start out very well, it had a lot of humour, some romantic bits. It would've fared better as a romantic comedy, it made me laugh more than serendipileofshitty could ever do that's for sure.
And the only exception to the ugliness or irrelevantness of the robots would be bumblebee. I hated the cartoon one. I kinda liked this movie one. Probably because he didn't get to talk most of the time.
Jazz, one of the coolest autobots cause he's got soul, the only black autobot, died for no reason at all in the hands of Megatron. Probably cause he brokedance and tried to do impressions of a wigga when he introduced himself. Shitty. However I'm very sure Megatron is a negro himself. Although based on this movie's design I could only say he probably was a negro before he stuck random pieces of metal to his body and then it decomposed and made more random shapes and then somgeiaohnv akuhfahuk hukahappened and fuck this shit.
Just edit out that bullshit towards the end and insert romantic comedy and I might be happy. I don't know.
I mean when I got home and started browsing reviews, I thought Ebert had lost it when he gave 3 stars, but after further reading I thought he was totally on point about the action scenes:-
- "I saw the movie on the largest screen in our nearest multiplex. It was standing room only, and hundreds were turned away. Even the name of Hasbro, maker of the Transformers toys, was cheered during the titles, and the audience laughed and applauded and loved all the human parts and the opening comedy. But when the battle of the titans began, a curious thing happened. The theater fell dead silent. No cheers. No reaction whether Optimus Prime or Megatron was on top. No nothing. I looked around and saw only passive faces looking at the screen." - Roger Ebert
I know a lot of people loved it and would be more than willing to bash the purists. But come on, seriously, one of the things that rocked anuses about transformers were the robots' designs, and the designs in this one, sucked a lot of fucking ass. So fuck you. And what the fuck is totally up with shaky headachy action scenes, what's the fucking point, I'd rather watch that colour trippy shit in 2001: a space odyssey. At least it was meant to fuck you up. You cunts.
Oh yeah. Soundwave was not in it (not too sad cause it would've been sadder if he was, which could make me avoid the second installment unless it was directed by my fantasy), the CIKASKsdajifhaa robot transforming sound was not in it, coolness was definitely missing too (yeah dawg, roller blading robots? robots gymnast-gay-flipping and shooting). I don't know maybe Michael Bay wanted to create new trademarks for his franchise. He forgot that he was Michael bay.
Adkauhghkua. I can't start on the humans cause they were not too bad actually, except maybe for the impossibly heroic soldiers, ha-ha, you nearly got me fooled americans, fuck you. The only cool part in the movie was - Optimus Prime's voice (original voice actor), and when megatron went something like "disgusting bla bla" after falling to the ground then kicking a random human passer-boy - wahkugeakuhukga that was cool and funny.
THE FUCKING END
Shit. I only watched three movies. Fuck. Whateva. Maybe I was under the illusion I have watched quite a lot cause I bought and acquired-through-friends quite a lot. Need to start fucking actually watching.