zombeh

since h1n1 is all the fuss right now lemme share my experience as a member of the first batch of zombies. yeah i was in before the hype.

you see it was 1-2 days after i got back from the land that betrayed their european ancestors back in the days to become the most powerful asshole in the world in recent times. 2 weeks there so i kinda missed home, got some plans for the weekend, infact i was already deep in the village hometown when we got the call to go back home for some checkups.

i was a bit pissed. anyways, i got home, i kinda live alone and i had to stay alone cause i put this address when i was on the plane so they're gonna come-a checkin' here and i can't be movin' in with the fam and shite.

when they rung the bell i was in the middle of a sweet ass afternoon nap. dude, when i opened the door it was like a fucking movie. two nurses in full biochemical gear (or what i would've imagined if i was cracko'd enough - two astronauts trying to abduct and bring me to their new alien masters they encountered while exploring other planets for the russian goverokayistopnow), nearby the van was one of those basins with the bio hazard logo on it. i still wonder what went on in my neighbors' heads if they ever caught a glimpse of this scenario cause what was going on in my head as i was thinking about what would be going on in their heads was the opposite of not suspicious at all about me turning out to be a potential zombie or THE HOST.

one of 'em went in cautiously and did a checkup on me. i was cleared for today but she said i still have to be quarantined and gave me all the government documents stating so. i also have to check myself daily and sms her every morning. she gave me a thermometer and shit. and yeah, the smsing every morning gave me some experience needed for my future girlfriend, so my future girlfriend whoever you are, rest assured that i am not too inexperienced when it comes to understanding the frequency needed in relationshipal communications.

now comes the funny part, i don't remember touching anything at all that she brought in see. so imagine the hilarity breakdancing throughout my nerves when she said "oh shit, you've touched these things so i have to leave 'em here". well not exactly in those words but yeah, she had to leave a truckload of plastic gloves and thermometer covers that could supply a small clinic for a week simply because she hallucinated me touchin' 'em. i don't know about you but this to me is hilarious, oh okay imagine me feeling up that bag filled with clinically thingies because i like the material it was made of. wahukukga where the jizz did she get the impression that i touched that shit. dizzzym. and tell me why would she be bringing in that much plastic gloves and shit anyway, what in case i get all monstery and start lashing out she could throw plastic fucking gloves at me in self defense? i must stop thinking about this. anyways, yeah when she made that "you are a scary zombie and everything you touch must not be taken out cause it will turn into small infectious maggoty things and shit" statement, i was half muttering this in my head "why thank you, this will do wonders for my self esteem". keeping sarcasm to one's self is a blessed form of meditation, i guess.

so soon enough, she left after giving me her number. another good experience. see ladies in the clubs, don't think i'm inexperienced when it comes to receiving female telephonial numbers.

another funny bit, as i was witnessing her and the other nurse putting some things in the bio hazard bin, putting on a straight face, and handling everything with caution and care (yes, they were putting in the documents that i had to sign in those csi evidence bags with the uttermost tip of their fingers, or nails, even) because you don't want to fuck around when you're within the proximity of a contagious beast, i saw the van's driver. he was a plain clothed mamat (dude) with a stereotypical badass malay moustache, get-for-free-at-events cap, wearing no bio protection at fucking all. imagine the contrast, in the passenger seats were the casts from an outbreak movie (or a movie titled simply enough outbreak from 1995 haha) and just look to the left a little bit, the driver, some dude who just woke up with a shit-what-now face and a total nonchalant disregard for whatever that's going on around him. he couldn't even be bothered to stretch his face muscles a little bit to at least project a concerned expression. i can just about picture what's going on in his oblivious oblivouty. pandemic? who gives a shit, if i get a flu i'll just wheelie upside down the penchala link tunnel and scare the bitch out my body.

sigh. and so, that was that. and what happened throughout the duration of me being stuck all alone at home could be recalled in just one word - angerdepressionsatonneofeggsmasturbationdumbellsandthefrickinginnernet.