Thursday, November 27, 2008

troglodyte

masa aku kecik-kecik orang tanya nak jadi apa aku jawab "orang kaya".

kadang-kadang rasa cam nak time travel balik masa silam and pat diri aku sendiri yang masih kecik on the back sebab jawapan yang beliau bagi very non-committal, and not to mention quite cool.

kalau aku cakap lawyer ke engineer ke apa apa cita-cita tinggi yang spesifik ke mesti bila dah besar nih orang tanya cam apsal tak jadi lagi bla bla bla and aku kene jawap dengan elaborate and defensive semata-mata nak pusing-pusing dari jawapan sebenarnya which is masa kecik manalah aku tau bila besar jadi loser.

dalam kes aku kalau orang tanya kenapa tak kaya lagi senang je aku jawab "nanti kaya ah tuh". it's just that masalahnya nanti kalau aku dah tua bangka umur lingkungan ketua pemuda umno nanti tak kaya-kaya lagi, tapi aku budget a.k.a. kira-kira bila aku dah tua manalah orang nak ingat apa aku cakap masa kecik time tuh derang pun semua dah tua sangat banyak benda lain nak fikir.

kalau tanya pun, leh aku jawap oh sebenarnya masa aku kecik maksud aku kaya budi bahasa. jawapan nih agak rempit and corny tapi who knows zaman masa depan rempit and corny is in, afterall siapa budget zaman nih hip hoppers lagi suka skinny jeans dari baggie? padahal kalau ikutkan senang je, dia selang seli, 80's ketat, 90's baggy, millenia ketat balek. so basically hipsters nye pasal jeans grandmaster flash dulu-dulu patut go on auction for millions. fuck lari topik.

lagi satu sebab takde specifics, aku buleh buat apa-apa pun tuk capai cita-cita masa kecik aku nih. bebudak lain yang nak jadik bomba lah askar lah astronaut lah semua dah give up kowt. selalu mesti give up nya pasal jarang masa kecik kau ada cita-cita yang reasonable. aku tak, kalau aku jadi drug dealer pun buleh, nak jadi stripper ke, pelacur pun buleh. toy boy pun quite chun, apalah sangat kedot-kedot mak datin tuh, lagi geli lagi best pahh.

mm, apa yang kau tengah imagine tuh wuakhukukgea.

anyway, masa aku kecik aku also pernah beli lastik and apek tuh tanya mau lastik apa? aku jawap "dinosaur". agak kurang ajar jawapan tuh tapi takde niat nak kurang ajar cuma niat nak buat lawak tapi apek tuh terdiam and bila fikir balik agak kurang ajar. macam lah budak kecik zaman 90's tau nak sarkastik. saje je bagi jawapan mengarot kan.

tapi budak-budak kecik memang mulut kurang ajar takde tapis. sebab tuh aku jarang suka sangat budak kecik. and kalau ada budak kecik yang sangat polite aku akan rasa sangat happy. haha. macam ada sekali nih aku tengah jalan-jalan and menghadap aku ada group bebudak tengah jalan arah aku so aku macam shit bebudak buat tak tahu. diaorang pulak sekor-sekor macam potensi rempit. tapi bila kitorang cam berselisih diaorang buleh cam "semekom bang".

shit, aku macam tak sempat nak jawap sebab aku dah sangka buruk kat bebudak nih so kalau buleh aku nak get the berselisihan part over with and then just jalan teros je tanpa apa-apa jadi haha. tak budget bebudak nih buleh ada semangat murni nak tegor cara baik.

so aku nak cakap, kalu luorang baca ini blog aku mintak mahap tak jawap salam itu hari, nih dah dalam setahun lepas kowt, whaukhkugea, sorry dowh serious sorry, aku tersangka buruk cam budak-budak kulit cam bakal rempit ingatkan kurang ajar. rupanya sangat polite and pro-komuniti. kita nih memang salu cakap don't be judgemental tapi kalau dah namanya manusia manusia lah jugak. takpe ah, asalkan sedar kadang-kadang buat silap.

aku harap diaorang tak give up jadi baik just sebab aku tak jawap salam tuh. takut diaorang cam cibai buat baik pun orang buat tak tahu, baik kitorang jadi rempit. teros esok gi kedai runcit beli kepala rxz untuk letak kat bmx diaorang pastuh time merdeka round-round merata kl sambil bawak bendera malaysia pastuh buat bising. aku tak nak nanti aku jalan-jalan kl aku nampak budak-budak pelapis rempit tuh and then aku tak leh kutuk diaorang, instead aku terpaksa tepuk dahi aku pastuh *sigh penyangak sigh* itu semua salah kau. aku tak nak dowh aku tak nakkkkkkkkkkkk........ argkh.

something something

moar on the yoga thing. actually i have misunderstood the fatwa or to be honest i haven't even read it since i don't do yoga (but would gladly do a yoga chick). what they banned for muslims was just yoga with the hindu elements, *gasp*.

one part of me will be like, isn't this like redundant, aren't those things like already haram since it's not.. i dunno.. islamic.. i dunno.. so before this fatwa, we can do hindu things? i dunno.. i'm clueless.. i don't have facial hair.

wait till they find out some people are jogging with mantras, they're gonna start putting "jogging ban" on newspaper headlines for no reason and piss off jogging bloggers to no end.

another part of me will be like, dude, i'm dissapointed. how are we gonna get rid of them non-malays with this soft ass shit. i propose we ban all kinds of non-malay exercises and force upon non-malays malay exercises like...........i don't know, er.. procrastination? or constantly being 'on the way' to a meeting destination? erm, i'll think of something better, i'll get back to yawll, don't worry i got something, i'm already on the way.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

caliente

i haven't written serious politics in a while yo. it's actually because i'm now 100% pro-government. why? .. lemme tell ya, cause i was up in caltex the other day and looking at the petrol pump meter, this beautiful digit was digitally stamped:

2.00


wahkugeahkugea so no more immature rebellion for me. the gas price is dope. government 4 eva, 4 eva eva, 4 eva eva. long live badawi and kj! kj is a clean and handsome young man who will be the greatest leader in this country and any country at all if they make him their leader. obama ain't got shit on kj like fuh rella.

so what serious politics can you write when you're 100% pro-government anyway, other than anwar is gay bla bla bla lim guan eng is a nerd bla bla bla nik aziz is a cute yoda bla bla bla, boring, so it's better to just stay quiet.

the yoda verdict is apparently out, it's banned for muslims. to me there's always a simple solution for muslim yoga practitioners. just take the yoga elements completely devoid of hindu teachings and incorporate it into another name. yeah it's that simple. just name it with some arabic term and the fatwa council will be like kool dewd, arabic! fah sho it's islamic then and it's kool like kewl. or you can name it tonggek-tonggek or something, something melayu, and they be like, fah sho melayu is islamic that's kewl dewd.

i heard they're gonna be banning bersanding (traditional 'malay' wedding ceremony) too since it originated from the hindus. and just to be consistent, they're also banning any trace of hinduism. which means anyone who's got some kind of indian blood, like maybe you're half indian or something, the indian half of you will be banned since indian has some kind of connection to hinduism regardless of whether it actually does or not and hindu is a bad thing to mankind according to supreme bearded people. no specific guide on how this ruling will be enforced has surfaced yet, but some say the easiest method is deporting. so if your skin seems indian you need to scrape it off and send it to live in perth or something, it's okay you can keep in touch from time to time through phone or letters but being combined back together is a no-no. the same if you're malay outside but indian inside, it's time for your internal organs to take a vacation to non-malaysia land forever. well, at least until supreme malays cease to rule this great nation which is only great because of them.

i say this is good, subtle racial cleansing will surely speed up malaysia's plight to be a developed nation by 2020.

we all know only the malays and arabs deserve a place on this earth.

now we're slowly getting rid of the indians. i guess the chinese are next. allthough i would've prefer for us to concentrate more on the chinese first and foremost since they all have hair that is too suspiciously straight and they work suspiciously hard which makes me suspicious that they're some kind of evil alien. but anything's better than nothing for a start.

what should we go for dear rednecks? oh yeah have you guys seen chi gong? wow it's evil. i was at the park the other day and i saw dragons and shit flying around while they're doing it and one of the students was a muslim! muslims can't have dragons flying around them and shit that's blasphemy, dragons are not islamic, if it was a camel flying around instead it would've been more islamic and okay and shit and you know.

get to working that ban hammer, rednecks. brrap!

Monday, November 24, 2008

biar saja

aku tengah ilekk je merentes traffic jam kat ldp sambil dengar lagu grooving when we meet yang sangat layan kepala, bila ada kereta honda lalu. tekojut den melihat betapa indahnya female driver tuh. aku tros turunkan tingkap and suwit suwit (kelakuan nih tak berlaku and tak mungkin berlaku tapi anggap jelah for the sake of cerita it happened aight), dia pun senyum balik, oh ada respons, "ini macam ada can dapat nombor telepon" kata nico.

dia dok lambai-lambai, aku pun senyum balik. tapi dia still macam lambai-lambai. aku dah macam, oh time aku dapat respons dari objek seks wanita time tuh lah dapat perempuen yang tak betol. aku pun macam "wadefak?", dia cakap "awak ada something kat gigi".

okay. aku fikir kejap. pastuh aku jerit balik kat dia. "MACAMANA KAU LEH NAMPAK PADAHAL KAU SELANG SATU KERETA DARIPADA AKU?", tersenyum brader van yang sebenarnya di antara kami wakhugagka bodoh gila sebenarnya ada kereta antara aku dengan kereta awek tuh. pastuh awek tuh cakap "AKU ADA PENGLIHATAN BIONIK AH BONGGOL".

okay okay lu ada penghilatan bionik rupenye, gempak, agak gempak, buleh tahan. tak agak-agak punya gempak pun ada jugak. aku pun terasa witty lak tetiba aku tanya buleh "habes kau leh nampak kote aku ah?", abang van tuh pulak mencelah padahal dia takyah mencelah pun pasal dia dah memang ada celah celah aku dengan awek tuh, "ha'ah ek, kote abang pun kau nampak ah ek awek honda?".

teros memalu awek tuh, macam pohon semalu, dan sentuhan yang memalukannya bukanlah jari jemari tetapi sebentuk pertanyaan yang penuh humour berbaur lucah.

lepas awek tuh dah puas tersipu-sipu dia pun cakap, "huuh memang nampak you, kote you agak asian hee hee hee (gelak yang tampak innocent tapi sebenarnya annoying tahap suara sean kingston), manakala kote abang van ini pula i tertarik, ala-ala ebony gttew saiz-nya". cis bedebhz.

teros mereka berdua drive away bersama untuk hook up. and aku tertinggal kat sini tengah angguk-angguk ikut rentak lagu dengan penuh emo. rupanya bukan lagu tadi yang aku anggukkan tapi lagu bunyik hon kereta-kereta yang bengang sebab aku tak gerak. buleh pulak diaorang hon ramai-ramai dengan penuh rhythm.

takpe-takpe.

aku jalan and berhenti kat petronas. parking dekat-dekat pili isik angin tuh. aku keluar. aku cekak pinggang. aku pandang langit. aku tarik nafas panjang. aku mengeluh balik keluar nafas tuh. lepas aku teros sepak-sepak pili isik angin tuh kesini kesana kesini kesana macam orang gila ARGKH.

semua orang dah pelik and teros datang nak tarik aku daripada pili tuh.

"CIBAI KAU PILI CIBAI LAHABAU KIMJOL KAU CIPUNDEK AKU BENCI AKU BENCI AKU BENCI URGKH PUF PUF PUF (bunyik pili kena tendang) KUF KUF KUF KUF KUFKUKUFUFUFUF!"

tros brader brader mat mots tarek aku and staf petronas pun dah keluar.

kebetulan salah seorang staf tuh awek. dia pulak dok try nak tenangkan aku dengan suara dia yang lembut. aku terpandang lah muka dia kan. macam julia stiles.

dengan penuh insecure nye aku cakap kat dia "i hope you don't have bionic eyes".

dia cakap "eh takdelah, i ada bionic ears jerrw".

oh ok, aku macam, "jap eh".

aku pergi kat salah sorang mat mots tuh lepas tuh aku bisik-bisik tanya kat dia, "weh bro, tumpang tanya leh?", "4 sho'" dia kata, dah dapat lesen aku sambung "erm, keasianan konek adakah buleh dikesan melalui pendengaran?".

mamat tuh letak jari-jemari kat dagu macam nak berfikir, dia mengurut-ngurut janggut dia yang dye coklat zink karat.

"soalan lu nih agak komplikated ah bro, tapi gua dah fikir elok-elok sambil urut janggut ranggi gua neh, gua rasa...........tak kowttt"

"ok chun".

aku pergi balik kat awek julia stiles tuh, kali nih aku konfiden bagaikan samurai. aku teros dengan takde foreplay nye tanya "would you marry me?".

awek tuh pandang aku atas bawah, dia kata "no".

"why?"

"i look like julia stiles, you look too asian".

argkh.

kesimpulan entry ini ialah dulu masa aku duk jb ada akak sorang nih keje petronas muka dia macam julia stiles. what the fuck yaw serious shit. kalaulah aku berani cakap "where have you been all my life" walaupun julia stiles takde ah chun sangat tapi entah ah, tapi muka dia cam garang. maybe julia stiles pun garang kowt, nama pun julia stiles.

argkh entah ah, aku nak sambung main FM sambil tangguh sesi masturbasi buat kali keberapa-tah. gila magik FM nih.

Friday, November 21, 2008

apakah?

you have returned. these past few weeks you have been strutting your stuff, cat-walking on the stroll ways of my powerless mind. once you arrived for the taking i just had to grab you, and now it's deja-vu. i thought your appeal has withered away, but the pushers presented a recent edition of you to me, without even a hint of creativity in at least inventing a new label for you. all they did was attach the digits representative of next year besides your all too familiar trade name. i have never met a more lackadaisical cartel, didn't they learn anything about branding from those drug dealers in the wire?

no they didn't.

but on the real, they don't need to, the power of the product is sufficient enough to attain and sustain interest.

lades and gents, i am an addict on the path of extreme re-lapse. year after year. promises of being free from substance for eternity will forever be empty.

i am a sad sad, sad lonely man.

wasted for days, sniffing what some have dubbed "digital cocaine"

sczhinnah.

Friday, November 14, 2008

maturity

nih minggu lepas punya cerit, aku dapat one of those you know telemarketing calls.

awek telemarketing: hello, ini encik bla bla bla?
aku: hu'uh
awek telemarketing: encik dan pasangan encik telah dijemput bla bla bla bedeblablabla
aku: ok...
awek telemarketing: ...
aku: .....
awek telemarketing: encik nih dah kahwin ke?
aku: tak
awek telemarketing: encik umur bape?
aku: dua puluh nam
awek telemarketing: tapi suara macam dah matured je?
aku: tak lah (blur)
awek telemarketing: tapi encik program ini untuk orang yang dah kahwin
aku: eheh saya tak kahwin lagi
awek telemarketing: kami dapat nama encik daripada list maxis bla bla bla
aku: saya tak kahwin lagi (malas nak fikir apa nak cakap)
awek telemarketing: oh ye eh takpe ah bla bla bla tata titi tutu daaaaaaaaaaaa~! (bye je sebenarnya dia ucap saje tambah garam)

wakhuhukgeahukga. sejak bila pulak umur dua puluh lebih belum matured? sigh bebudak zaman sekarang.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

please do not go there

the problem with a lot of muslims is that we are allergic to the gray area in a confrontational way. if we know of anything comfortably residing there we would be more than happy to poke at it in every possible way until it finally buckles and hurriedly scramble into black or white. it might be because we are culturally very bored & boring, nothing excites us. or maybe it's just that we have chased too many out of the gray area into the black to notice that fun was one of it. or another or, that we're simply arseholes.

little did we know that god himself has tangibly told us that anything that he did not make a rule for, is simply - something with no ruling - it is like the space between here and there, it is neither here nor there. you won't be merited for doing it, you won't get a demerit for not doing it either. this might be a simple concept but unfortunately, not a walkover in the 'grasp' department, especially in this planet of constant humanistic judgments.

let's not forget that prohibiting that which is not prohibited, or allowing that which is prohibited, is a big no-no. not a "i-just-uttered-fuck" no-no (what's wrong with this anyway, lalz), instead, a "i-just-told-an-angel-that-he-can-go-screw-a-robinson-crusoe-cunt-with-his-non-existent-dick" no-no. i think i should put it in a simpler way, there's a big difference between things such as having pre-marital sex which means you have sinned, and "big mistake, buddy" ones such as saying fuck you to your religion which means err, you just said fuck you to your religion.

let's not forget what made islam so unique and beautiful - the fact that it is not a religion of innovation. it is what all religions should be, a religion of uhm yeah, as you know he's god, and you shut the fuck up and do what he says. it sounds crass, but this is why i love islam, and is still a muslim to this day even though i visit a nihilist god-bashing forum everyday.

if i was to believe in god, the only way is for me to believe that he is the faarc-ken boss. why would he smack the lay down on some commandments only for us to say wait this does not seem right, maybe it shouldn't be this way, let's change it up a little bit to suit the era/times, and the place. why would he not smack the lay down on some commandments only for some cunts to go wait i think we should make some rules for this, afterall we have thicker beards. and why are we so obsessed with adapting our religion to time or place, who the fuck created time or place, in the first place?

man fuck that shit. i'll give you an example of unwanted innovation, "fuck" as a word. people detest it as if it's some kind of sin. i don't really champion the f-word, since i do feel that the stigma attached to it makes it even more appealing. but at the same time, i am aware that it is bastardized by culture. "fuck" is not sinful. it never was. "fuck" is only sinful if a certain form of mostly pointless human culture is your religion, not say, your religion. who the fuck made "fuck" sinful? probably republicans, but i'm sure as fuck it wasn't god. there's nothing wrong with fuck. there could be something wrong with fuck if used for the intention of something wrong. even so, the sin is with the intention, not fuck. (now that i've done this especially for you, when are you gonna give me that fuck, fuck? wahukhuwahukgakgea).

another beautiful victim, music. i grew up in the 80's, which meant i grew up thinking that guitar strings were the threads used to sow the demon's g-string back in his glory days. really sure you 80's kids could relate. why is this so? again, culture. actual religious doctrines lose again, to human culture. so oblivious were we to the fact that in no way has god actually put the thor hammer down on music. fortunately for me and many kids in those days, obedience was plastered with wood glue to the non-issue part of our brain, so we didn't lose out and miss the train. although, it would have been wicked if "fuck" was more mainstream back in the days, the demand for chilli attributed to disciplinarian housewives would've been substantially high.

i feel sorry for these inhabitants of the gray area. what makes it worse is, even if their gray-areaness is given the stamp of approval, the validity would still be downplayed to no end by most people with delusions of authorotar. the most common occurrence would be for people to mention that it is prohibited and sinful if doing so and so would lead to you ignoring your religious duties. this is a much unneeded mutation of an idea known in the more simpler days as "it is sinful to not do your religious duties". it wasn't broken yet we felt the assholic need to mend it without even a hint of a notice or a video conference from jibril. why can't we have the same pro-activeness in the forever futile plight of not being assholes.

the sin does not lie on what you did that caused you to miss punching the ethereal clock, but not punching the ethereal clock. if you decide to morning wank a little longer than usual and was late for your job for the hundredth time and got fired, i'll be the first dude to appear above you like ceiling cat and inform you that you got fired because you didn't come to your job, not the overtime morning wank. fuck it, if you go with this extensively flawed logic, even reading the quran is haram if doing so made you miss your friday prayers. no dukes it's not the reading of the quran that caused your downfall, it's being an absent-minded douche. and before i forget, please don't ever blame overtime morning wank for anything at all, it is furbally cute, and totally innocent.

you can quote me on that. haven't had a morning wank in ages though.

oh dear muslims, us humans will never be perfect, but at least try not to be anal.

another muslim blight that is so rampant yet it's existence continually disregarded is taking the exclusively personal choices of others, personal. look, if the prophet peace be upon him saw some chick donning a kitten sized napkin as her evening wear would he go "you're going to hell, whore, put on this tent or yow ass is gettin' capped"? i can safely say - no. he would be rational, patient, and wise about it. of course people will say who are we to try and emulate the prophet, we are not him. well that's true only to an extent, cause if some things are prophet-like yet do-able, and you're not doing it, bitch that fucking excuse does not apply. and i don't even think that excuse should exist. sure we could never reach the holiness level of the prophet, but did he invent the "sunnah" only for his people to go ohhh who are we we are nobody we can't be as perfect as the prophet. usually this excuse is used just so that some arsecunts could carry-on being the judgmental pricks that they are.

look homes, a lady who thinks that a sun glass wiping cloth makes a great dress is not your or my problem, it is her choice, and problem if you will. it only becomes a problem to both you and me if that lady makes everyone think that they should be wearing a wiping cloth to shopping malls or the wrath of the hardly clothed shalth they suffereth. not that i would initially automatically object given the serenity of the thought of young ladies in shopping malls not having enough textile to cover both boobs.

it's even a bigger problem or ours if that very same lady instead covers herself from head to toe which gets the superficial nod of approval yet thinks what we believe in is a joke. i'm not saying you should look down on a ninja since she could be evil, but dawgie, don't look down at anyone at all!, i mean why the fuck should you? since when was being muslim about being a bill o'reilly. (i'm also not saying we should look down on bill o'reilly, just assume his namedrop as something metaphorical).

okay maybe some people would argue about face-value saying that they don't want their children to see and be influenced. look dogg, would you want a child who could look at a fucked up thing and decide that he doesn't give a fuck about that fucked up thing, or a child who does not do fucked up things only because he hasn't seen a fucked up thing? if you choose the latter then you're a naive dumbfuck who does not realize that there is a national park difference between someone who does not do things and someone who does not want to do things. someone who does not do things are only a minus word away from doing things, someone who does not want to do things on the other hand will not do things, unless if he decides to be someone who wants to do things which would only mean he's not someone who does not want to do things anymore. wakugewahukgeaahukga what the fuck did i just write, okay whatever.

all my ass be sayin' is, let's stop stressing over other people's personal choices, the best way to educate as the prophet has demonstrated time and time again before is through coolness and wisdom, not cunting behaviour.

plus there are far better shit to think about anyways, like i don't know, shaking off the stereotype that we're all stuck-up douchebags with efficient self-c4 capabilities? i dunno.

we are supposed to be followers of a beautiful religion. what the fuck happened.

i want other people to know that our idol the prophet is a man who encourages us dudes to please ladies in whichever way possible except through the excrement hole and during red lights. yes of course there are some restrictions there, but wouldn't those restrictions make sense medically anyway, right fuckos? so be creative and forget the restrictions, embrace the gray area. think of all the possibilities. all the lickadingalinglys, all the celestial places we could stick our tongue in, all the yoga karma sutrafying positions we could indulge in, all the ergkh... *entry writing process temporarily halted* dzzzk.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

now that i am back with a wide smile on my face fresh from welcoming some new endorphinic entrants to the pearly gates of my bustyfied mind, i will say to all my fellow muslims:

be cool about shit, yo.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

dengan ada apa yoga

aku tengah baca blog yang mengutuk blog orang lain and dia kutuk the yoga instructor or something and aku tros ke blog yoga instructor tuh yang pernah aku pergi dolu-dolu and teringat nice boobs, teros adik link! and terbaca lah sikit pasal nak haram yoga or whatever whatever.

mesti sapa-sapa yang nak haramkan yoga nih tak pernah tengok yoga instructor in real life, bukan the particular blogger tuh, i mean any yoga instructor pown yang female dan hawt lah. aku pernah tertengok dari luar tempat dia buat tuh masa tour guide. pergh dia nye tonggek lain macam. aku kena stress LAIN MACAM, dia punya tonggek macam nih punya senget tapi takdelah senget sangat nak explain pun dah tersipu-sipu menyingkap memori indah. dia tengah duduk tegak rilek je tengok anak-anak murid. tiba-tiba mata aku terblur and tiba-tiba bila dah clear balik teros terpamparan dia tengah duduk atas gunung sambil kamera berpusing-pusing tapi still focus kat dia yang sedang menonggek LAIN MACAM yang aku tak pernah tengok semacam-nya teros macam WOWZA!

lepas tuh aku kembali ke realiti and buat-buat tengok jam and muka tak sabar sebab appointment apa-apa ke lepas nih padahal tak sabar nak balik rumah and fap (kalau awak-awak tak tahu maksud fap takpeleryew).

first time tuh babe tengok. fuh terlalu boleh belah ini scenario.

so bawak lah mereka yang nak haramkan tuh ke destinasi-destinasi berkenaan bagi tour guide mesti mereka-mereka macam WOWEE JUNIOR JUICE! terus sign up kan teman-teman hidup mereka untuk ber-yoga.

ke sebenarnya pasal tempat-tempat yoga tak kasi diaorang beli share.

entah ah.

kau nak haramkan apasal, sejak bila malaysia nih negara islam? setahu aku malaysia nih negara melayu umno, tolong sket jangan gatal-gatal nak islamkan negara nih.

(berkumandanganikan lagu mighty mouse herrreeeee i cum tah save teh day!!!! and abang redneck muncul untuk selamatkan hari ini).

ASABIYYAH 4 LYFE!

HIDUP MELAYU!

TAKKAN MELAYU HILANG DI DUNIA!

TAKKAN KERIS KALAH DENGAN KATANA!

TAK CAYA MAIN GAME RPG! POISON DAGGER LEH BUAT OPPONENT SAKIT WALAUPUN DAH BERJAM-JAM LEPAS SERANGAN!

KAU TAK MAIN RPG KE?

TAK MAIN TAKPE!

LAGIPOWN KITA MESTI JUNJUNG KERIS!

SEBAB KERIS ITU SANGATLAH MELAYU

DAN MELAYU SANGATLAH ISLAM!

TAK CAYA RUJUK AL-QURAN!

EH AL-QURAN TAKDE CAKAP KE MELAYU ITU AUTOMATIK TERSANGAT ISLAM?!

OH TAKPE, RUJUK UTUSAN MALAYSIA!

HINDU ITU TAKDE KENA MENGENA DENGAN MELAYU!

JANGAN UNGKIT PASAL MELAYU DOLU-DOLU ITU BUKAN MELAYU ITU ERR.........

MELAYU

TAPI

TAPI

TAPI.................

KAU SALAH KITORANG BETUL KITORANG MELAYU, MELAYU UNGGUL JOO SADAP ............. HIDUP REDNECK MELAYU!

(RAAAAAARGKHHHHH crowd bersorak (kenapa tiba-tiba ada crowd kat sini? oh rupanya crowd baru muncul sekarang sebab tadi ada kenduri kahwin kat gombak))

TAK TAHU KE PRESIDEN U.S.A. POWN REDNECK!!!!!!!!!!!! HIDUP REDNECKS! MELAYU KE PUTIH KE HIDOP HIDOP HIDOP!

(BETOL! kata crowd)

(sekali ada mamat nerd mencelah, eh bang, *cuit*, tumpang inform sikit, lagi dua bulan lebih kurang presiden u.s.a. akan bertukar ke seorang separuh-negro yang bukan redneck)

YA KE! ARGH MANA BULEH! KALAU DIA SEPARUH NEGRO MESTI KULIT DIA GELAP SIKIT!

MACAM ORANG-ORANG INDIA! ORANG-ORANG INDIA KEBANYAKKANNYA HINDU!

(mamat nerd berkata dalam niat: nak sound abang redneck bahawa bukan semua orang india gelap, orang melayu pun buleh gelap jugak, gelap tak ikut kaum tapi ikut entah, ikut sains kowt, malah saya pun ada sedikit kegelapan, tapi tak nak kacau flow speech abang redneck maka sayer tak mencelah (cakap macam konfiden bagi alasan bernas padahal takut mencelah banyak sangat nanti tak dapat project yang abang redneck janji nak bagi))

HARAM TUH!

MANA BOLEH!

SEKARANG JUGAK ABANG PEGI U.S.A. NAK HARAMKAN U.S.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!

HARAMKAN U.S.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(CROWD DAH JAGI GILA BERSETUJU DAN MENJERIT HIDUP MELAYU! HARAM U.S.A! HARAM OBAMA! HARAMKAN HIP HOP JUGAK! HIP HOP TUH MENGGALAKKAN MENARI-NARI MACAM BOLLYWOOD AND ITU SEMUA HINDU AND HARAM!)

(err........ saya speechless lah bang kata mamat nerd, takpe saya nak pergi menom teh lah abang gerak dulu lah nanti kalu kalu err... macam saya ada masa tuh saya join sekali lah, err... err.. hidop redneck? (sambil angkat tangan macam separuh secara nervous))

SUKA HATI KAU LAH!

(EH BTW KAU SIAPA!)

(mamat nerd baru nak menjawab err sayerr ialah...)

ARGH TAK PENTING ................ HIDUP MELAYU!

(RAAAARRAAAGRGKH crowd bersorak lagi)

PAPAHALPOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(raaaARGGGGKKHHH YE SAYE? kata crowd)

HIDUP REDNECK MELAYU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(YAAAAAAaargkhhhhhh HIDUP! HIDUP! HIDUP! KEHIDUPAN! BUKAN PENGSAN! TAPI HIDOP! chant crowd)

HARAMKAN OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HARAMKAN U.S.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(YAAAARGKHHHHH eh bang kiterang kena gerak dulu lak ada AKASIA kat tv3, neways daaaaaaaaaaa~ kata crowd)

arghk.........................

..................-_-

note to self: kau tuh amats jarangs minum kopi, sekarang maybe kau dah tahu kenapa. thank you have a nice day. redneck fah lyfe!

nota buat the yoga instructor (yang dia takkan baca anyway tapi itu tak penting yang penting the thought): ada pernah buat inih keh:-


kalo ada nak guided tour bleh?

tabley?

tabley takpe..............:]

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

nailin' palin

you know doomsday is chillin' just a few tables from you at the mamak when a man named karlmarx hussein osama ops i ment barack hussein obama (what? you mean hussein and osama i ment obama are actually part of his actual name? ..fuck) is about to become the united states president.

here is a man who looks like he's about to do either three things - break into a falsetto and poplock at the same time, leap into a stride and run a cross country marathon with the slightest of ease, or i dunno, sell you a kebab? eheh eheh (nervous laugh).

..and you fuckos made him the fucking president.

oh fuck it, i'm still proud of him. because if you take your time to think about it and examine his face intently, you'll realize (if you're inaccurate enough) that he could look like an indonesian construction worker.

and we all know that indonesian construction workers are CERTIFIED BADASS!

I heard he could speak fluent indonesian too. DOBRAK! crotz banget! jilab! gi sana entot kocheng loe! .. translation = super badass.

puh-puh-puh-plus he listens to hip hop. or at least pretends that he does. i'm pretty sure he's more of an old school motown kinda guy tho. it doesn't matter, both hip hop and motown piss the fuck out of o'reilly and pissing o'reilly off is like having maria ozawa deep throating both mah cawck and marh bawls, always a delight!

i am pretty sure everyone in the non-redneck world are ecstatic that he was rightfully appointed leader of the most powerful nation on earth for at least 4 years.

they must each have their own justificitanizoided reasons too.

i have mine.

so what exactly convinced me that everything will be okay under this kenyan 6000m olympic runner?

it is the fact that he holds dearly to tha 10 commandments. he has a tatoo of it under his medium sized half-kneegrow balls. he knows it by heart and could recite all of it in a rhythmic fashion.

just let me explain, one by one:

COMMANDMENT #1
never let no one know how much dough you hold.
when i look at his scrawny ass, all i could think about is - brudda needs moar soul food, and that haircut couldn't be cheaper.

dude is definitely not flossin'. he looks simple. confirmation of rule number one being heeded.



COMMANDMENT #2
never let 'em know your next move.
he speaks perfect engrish and potrays himself as someone who'll probably end up a decent proper(not propah)-mannered president. little did you know that once he officially becomes president he'll appoint mos def (whoodee whooo) as the CIA head and be like I GOT FOWTAY NATION, READY TAH ROLLLL, SON.



didn't see that comin' didja, certainly not - dude was mad university educated and shit what the fuck yo? yeah well, so was method man and redman in how high, yo.


COMMANDMENT #3
never trust nobody.
just from looking at his nose and lips i could tell that this man trusts no one and nothing but his balls, his cock, ..and his glock.


COMMANDMENT #4
know you heard this before, "don't get high on your own supply".
america generally has always been guilty of this. they usually get high on their own supply before even getting everyone else hooked on it. just take a look at mtv, or shit.


but no worries, obama is about to change all that. it's already in his personaliy. what's the most important thing on earth right now? gas, right? obama don't need no gas. obama don't need no car or no air force one (except maybe err the shoe version), he runs his ass to everywhere. obama is a real man, and half kenyan too.

super hans said it best:
"you got a bloody suitcase on wheels, real men don't get the earth to carry their luggage mate, they carry 'em themselves.."

i know the quote does not even reek a must of exact relevance but you peoples all have diplomas and shit, i'm sure yawll get mah tokyo drift.


COMMANDMENT #5
never sell no crack where you rest at.
no problem. the dude's hometown be around chicago, the home of kanye west, lupe fiasco, and common. i'm pretty sure they'd be too busy searching for plastic bags to assist slippin' on skinny jeans, inventing weird but catchy new ways to let people know where they go back to for eid mubarak (chicago maynnne), and being vegan while pimping knit sweaters to even have time to sell crack.


COMMANDMENT #6
that goddamn credit, dead it.
i know this is taking it way out of context but HE GOTS FOWTAY NATION, READY TO ROLLLL, SON so yes.. china, chigro please, dead it.


and on another note much closer to the context of this commandment, no malaysia you can't borrow republicans to help with the malay redneck campaign. and no porn industry you can't borrow palin, just simply fucking take her and keep her for the sake of penyangak's fantasy of both her, AND tina fey.



COMMANDMENT #7
this rule is so underrated, keep your family and business completely separated.
yeah i mean, it's exasperating enough just to have one black dude join the upper echelon of the system.

didja watch the few moments before his historical speech, his whole family was black.


you know right, once you go black you never go back.

next thing you know the KKK'll be lead by a negro.

hey wait.



(dave chapelle predicted the future, again).


COMMANDMENT #8
never keep no weight on you.
you can't really cap a redneck sniper with an uzi anyway.

he's probably going at it from a conspiracy theory-bait weird and impossible angle while the c.i.a. is aiming at you from space using top secret post-modern satellite smart-hit technology.


COMMANDMENT #9
shoulda been number one to me, if you ain't gettin bags stay the fuck from police.
who needs former-cop bodyguards and the secret service when you've got the zulu nation, nation of islam, 5 percenters, bloods & crips, suge knight, al-qaeda (apparently), and the whole of frickking indonesia, etc. etc. etc. backin' yow ass.

obama is mob deep, he ain't no snitch, dunny.




COMMANDMENT #10
a strong word called consignment.
i'll do the science.

take all the gas from arab countries and there will definitely be a cuntfull of demands for gas from at least ........... the arab countries?




THE END

wahukgkeauga sorry just playing around lah, writing random shit on a shady thursday evening. if you're confused, i was just playin' around with this classic.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

sweet and dandy

aku gi one utama tadi.

aku gi kat area bawah tuh nak tukar batteri remote control gate aku.

biasanya kalu nak tukar batt remote control gate kena pegi kat kedai repair kasut.

tokay kedai tuh cakap kat aku "dah pecah bla bla bla hngrf nih".

aku cakap "huh?" sbab aku cam tak pay attention sangat sebab aku memang jarang pay attention kat apa-apa pun.

dia pun tunjuk kat mana tah pastuh dia cam "tengok nih".

aku pun cam "oh ok", padahal aku still tak faham but like takpe lah.

itulah satu-satunya sosial contact yang melebihi hanya pandangan mata buat aku hari inih.

cukup ah tuh dowh.

so anyway, lepas dah setel batt tuh aku bayar and aku gerak nak layan jalan-jalan round shopping complex yang besar macam track f1 darab dua nih.

tengah jalan tuh aku testing testing ah remote tuh, aku tekan-tekan 7-8 kali pastuh tengok lampu dia. okay ah tuh menyala.

chun ah tuh.

lepas berapa lama tah aku kat one utama MAKA aku balik lah rumah.

bila aku dah sampai rumah aku tengok housemate aku ada kat luar gate terkapai-kapai.

aku turun tingkap tanya "apeciter?".

dia kata "gate kau rosak dowh".

aku pun dah "hek eleh penat je aku tukar batt remote control nih gate pulak rosak, cipet ala carte, parking luar lagi lah aku nih".

dia cam "tak tak tak, bukan tak leh bukak, tapi dia asik bukak tutup bukak-tutup sendiri 7-8 kali lah lebey kurengs, suspender aku dibueknya".

wakhugekahkugeauk whkageauka whaukhkgeaukga faham tak? kononnya power sangat ah control tuh dari one utama leh sampai infra red dia ke umah gwe? paham kan? kan? kan? kan? kankanaknaknakankakankankan?.

kelakar tak kelakar tak kelakar tak?

kan kan kan?

........

.....

...

tak?

:(

T_T

takpe. gelak kan jelah, jaga hati aku. aku sensitip tauw.

satu lagi cerita antarabangsa di one utama.

aku asik jalan-jalan carik alarm clock, aku tak jumpa langsung, sikit nye susah nak carik. bukan pasal bende tuh tak ada tapi pasal aku tak geti carik.

lepas nak dekat sejam aku jumpa ah.

aku beli. simple punya je.

tapi cipet punyalah cipet bila time aku dah beli and tengah asyik swing plastic bag aku tuh sambil berjalan dengan riang ternampak banyak lak alarm clock sana-sini macam-macam pattern.

aduh tak bleh blaah.

time aku dah ada bende tuh lah banyak lak muncul.

so after aku dah balik rumah aku teros masuk facebook.

aku carik girlfriend.

akhirnya dapat gak, aku declare in a relationship with raja farah.

lepas tuh aku tutup pc jap. aku tunggu 10 minit.

aku bukak balik aku masuk balik facebook.

aku saje je nak tengok banyak tak perempuan dengan pelbagai pattern muncul dan menggoda hati belantara ku.

takde pulak.

argkh.

asal time alarm clock buleh lak banyak muncul memflirt dengan aku bila aku dah ada satu. tapi bila time awek kat facebook tak menjadi pulak.

cipundet.

teros aku geram and clash dengan raja farah.

grkh.

lepas tuh baru aku sedar yang aku telah dump raja farah.

wtf penyangak kau gila ke.

ada ke dump raja farah.

gila rempit perangai.

aku terus kecewa dengan diri sendiri lalu aku pasang je alarm alarm clock nih biar dia berbunyik secara constant and aku layan je bunyik dia KRRRGHHKGHGKHGKRKHGGHHHNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG macam layan muzik kat winamp.

sebab aku loser.

terima kasih.

p/s: cerita ini semua rekaan. i mean takkan ah senang camtuh je raja farah nak terima clash-an kami dah tentu dia pujuk aku gila babi nya berminggu-minggu memandangkan betapa great catch nye adik kau nih ewah ek ah ek aaah.