Monday, April 28, 2008

teenage mutant ninja please

nih cerita pelik. aku sorang-sorang dalam lif kat klcc nih daripada car park. lif berhenti kat car park atas, masuk ah couple nih. laki standard melayu misai muka serious baju polo (okay ah bukan baju polo saje je aku letak lolza), awek chumel tersenyum senyum tak pepasal.

aku asik tengok/pandang/usha awek tuh pasal aku budget kalau awek orang mesti dia takkan perasan kalau orang usha dia pasal dia mesti macam alah aku awek orang takkan ah ada nak usha usha aku sangat kan, jadi aku usha lah sangat. diaorang kat depan aku nih tapi angle 45 darjah camtuh (takde ah tepat sangat matematik adik kat universiti tak pernah melebihi gred c), so nampak sipi.

sekali dia pandang balik daa, pastuh dia tergelak sikit. pastuh dia senyum lagi kat aku. pastuh dia tergelak sikit lagi, macam aku ada sayur kat gigi aku. babi. sampai floor diaorang keluar, aku keluar, kitorang part ways ah, chewah macam sekumpulan koboi lepas dah selamatkan kampung je.

aku dah pelik gila kan. so aku pergi masuk tandas. aku check gigi, sayur tada cili tada, tarapapa, kuning sket je tapi gigi ku tetap cantik melentik. aku check perut aku, takut terkeluar ke dari baju, oh tidak baju ku dua lapis, selamat perut ku yang gemilang. check baju lak takut ada stain ke apa ke. aku check zipper sudah tentu, masih intact. aku tengok muka aku, kelakar ke muka aku, nak kata kelakar takde ah kelakar sangat, hensem pun ada sikit-sikit ala afdlin shauki, terpikat lak aku kat diri sendiri. cis kembali ke realiti, asal awek tuh tergelak tikos kat aku. kemek nye awek. kau mempermainkan insecurities aku. cipet.

sebab aku dah bengang sangat, aku terus bergegas ke burger king (chewah bergegas tuh). aku tak berani nak amek whopper ah pasal aku takut susah nak jalan nanti, amek yang kecik simple sudah. lepas makan layan baeknya aku pergi lak park klcc tuh. saje tengok-tengok orang kan. dah bukan macam dulu, dulu ramai subculture subculture lepak sini ada yang bercornrow ada yang berdye merah, ada yang seluar ketat, ada yang berseluar anti-ketat, ada yang botak, ada yang vatos locos bla bla bla.

sekali couple tuh lalu depan aku lak. awek tuh sempat toleh pandang aku pastuh senyum tegelak gelak sikit, lagi........

at this point, dah sampai tahap seram ah.

cibai psycho ah dia nih. aku check lagi zipper aku just in case kan. hmm takde pape. bende nih mengingatkan aku pada sometimes bila aku drive keta, mamat belakang flash flash, padahal aku kat lane slow. pastuh aku leh berhenti check mana tahu boot terbukak ke tempat letak minyak tak tutup betul betul ke pintu ke apa ke. sekali check semuanya oooooooooowhkayy. mesti mamat tuh ada masalah dengan lampu flash keta dia kot, sekali *TING* baru aku sedar, maybe awek tuh ada masalah control impuls senyum dengan gelak sikit kot.

so aku kejar diaorang cepat-cepat.

aku tegur mamat misai kata nak cakap dengan awek dia kejap. aku tegur awek dia lak.

'hi'
'oh hai'
'asal kau tersenyum senyum gelak gelak kat aku? kau ada masalah impuls ke?'
'tak ah, you don't remember me issit?'
'lolwut?'
'it's me lah, tipah (bukan nama sebenar)!'
'lerrrrrrrrrrr engkau gupenye!'
'yelah'
'apahal tak tegur je aku'
'i takut you tak cam i, sebab i dah kurus now, you pulak dah gemuk'
'apa kena mengena aku dah gemuk dengan kau takut aku tak cam kau?'
'takde kena mengena, i saje je nak selit'
'bongok'
..
'so kau buat apa sekarang tipah?'
'itulah i nak tunjuk you'
'tunjuk apa?'
'apa yang i nak buat sekarang'


tiba-tiba dia terjun masuk kolam klcc tuh pastuh berenang ke tengah.

semua orang kat park tuh macam dah wtf termasuk aku, tapi balak dia relek je.

aku pandang balak dia macam wtf?

balak dia cakap 'it's her destiny'.

sekali air kat kolam tuh macam menggelegak gila babi nye.

pastuh tipah tiba-tiba ada sayap pastuh terus terbang ke langit.

slow-slow sambil air memercik everywhere sampai semua orang cam basah.

dia terus terbang sampai hilang.

balak dia pandang aku.

dia tanya aku 'kau pernah tengok cerita x-men?'

'pernah'

'kau tahu phoenix?'

'tahu'

'ah lebeh kurang camtuh ah tipah sekarang'

'okay (sambil terketar-ketar) ... still .......... WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!!'

'kau tahu sebab sebenar dia senyum kat kau?'

'..'

'sebab kaulah the last stage of her phoenixation'

'..'

'master cakap kalau dia jumpa kau, maka dia akan jadi phoenix'

'fuck you, and what the fuck?!'

'kau tak tahu ke, 8 hari lagi, aliens akan cuba takluk bumi, jadi sesetengah manusia telah belajar space martial arts, macam tipah, untuk lawan diaorang sebelum diaorang sampai bumi pun. at least some form of resistance lah, so that by the time diaorang sampai sini, diaorang dah lemah sikit'

'yeah? okay. fuck you'

'dah dah, aku nak gerak, kena report kat master'

'what master? splinter? shredder? man fuck you'

'ok byez'


aku dah menggigil macam pantat yang tengah orgasm. aku pandang sekeliling, sekali semua orang tak bergerak. huh what the? asal semua orang kaku nih. apa lanchau, nih mimpi ke apa lanchau. aku cuba terbang, tak bleh, nih bukan mimpi, babi. asal semua orang kaku aku lari lari (lari lari anak je) jerit jerit jerit what the fuck is all this. pastuh semua orang gerak balik pastuh tepuk tangan. oh rupanya klcc freeze lolz. cis. whakugukeahkugeaukga.

okay takpe. aku pun dah macam tak leh tahan dengan kedongengan semua nih. aku balik lah rumah.

sampai rumah. aku mandi shower baek nya. check internet kejap. pastuh updet blog, hah part nih aku tengah tulis entry sekarang nih ah.

eh ada orang kat pintu lak, doorbell bising.

jap eh.

........

okay dah. kau tahu tak siapa tadi? balak tipah tuh, dia kata 'master she has succesfully gone into space'. wtf? aku ke master? wtf? aku sepak telur dia pastuh tanya 'weh aku mamat kat klcc tadi ah'.

pastuh dia cam cakap aku ah sebenarnya master yang sebenar.

'master apa lanchau?'

'master semua orang.................'


yeargh take that bitches.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

and maybe

mata aku merenung tajam monitor. telinga rasa tak berapa selesa. maka aku mencapai itu cotton bud. aku kasi jolok telinga. aku kasi gentel-gentel. ahh memang layan. telinga kiri pulak.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

lepas tuh aku pandang kiri. ke arah tong sampah.

aku pandang cotton bud yang kotor tuh.

tiba-tiba waktu bergerak pelahan slow motion bullet time the matrix.

aku angkat tangan kanan slow slow, aku campak itu cotton bud ke kiri.

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

OH SNAP! COTTON BUD ITU MASUK TEPAT KE DALAM TONG SAMPAH! LOZL! WEEEEEEEEEEE AREEE THE CHAMMMMMMMPIONNNN MA FRENNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I WIN LAZL ZOMG PWNT.



sial! rasa best jadi seorang gangsta
pergi mane mane takde sape berani besemuka
orang lalu tepi tak berani angkat muka
pau slurpie budak-budak takde sape bersuara

satu cheras aku pau macam aku nbe
jalan dada kedepan takde siapa brani
mana mana pergi mesti ada money
dan perempuan yang dahagakan aku punya air _ _ _ _

angkat kepala kat bouncer masuk je tadahal
masuk kelab takde siapa nak carik pasal
aku tak menari duk sofa sambil bersandar
gro keliling pinggang itu mak ayam kasi hantar

naik kereta mercedes tak maen ah proton saga
apa barang murni aku makan kat tony roma
baru mafia, tapi aku tak pakai sut macam orang besar
aku pakai baju batik barulah macam anwar

rumah besar ada banyak sofa
dekat dinding aku frame sebijik katana
pemberian yakuza, tapi aku tak gaduh
ada anak-anak buah yang sangat patuh

kalau kau tak puas hati aku hantar dua tiga van
aku bakar rumah kau and then (nak rhyme nye pasal)
aku kencing atas kau punya sofa sambil gelak macam orang gila
lepas tuh aku buat suara dave chapelle dan cakap 'fuck yo' couch nilla!'


wauhkgeakugeahukga. sorry lah kalau post nih sangat bunguk. pagi-pagi nih kepala tengah bengong sikit. lagi-lagi baru balek men bola sepak dalam sangkar tuh, otak tengah penat, bukan penat main bola, main bola mana penat, duduk tunggu bola je. penat duduk melepak sambil minum 100 plus. penat tengok awek-awek chumel yang tengah berbual dengan samada pakwe atau pengkid. oh cibai-nya.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

pukul tiga, gila



so i guess mah score is 3 out of like 11 tries?

not bad eh.

anyway. teh kundur.

hehe he he he he (gelak beavis butthead) he he he he hehe eh ehhee h ehe

teh kundur.

he he ehe he he

he ehe hehheee he hee h eh eh eh ehe he he he ehe

kira kalau terlalu tegang atau tegang setegang tegangnya sampai terlalu annoying minum lah teh kundur maka akan mengendur lah ia. tapi kalau itu malam kau lucky janganlah mengada nak minum plak, sila minum teh krisantimum. nanti konek kau akan bertenaga optimum. wuahkgkeakuhgea. lalz.


btw tengok dua negro fevret aku gelak macam bevvis boothed kat sini:

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

inikah yang ku trimmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

sekali dalam maybe dua tahun. ataupun setahun sekali. kadang kadang dua kali setahun. senang cerita jarang-jarang ah - aku akan mimpi jatuh cinta dengan random perempuan.

selalunya perempuan tuh awek member, ataupun ex-awek member (untuk beberapa kelakar sebab) (for some funny reason), ataupun perempuen yang tah siapa-siapa. aku baru terfikir sekarang nih, ye bukan tadi ke semalam ke, sekarang nih aku tengah tulis nih aku terfikir. adakah ini macam wet dreams? kalau kita jarang keluarkan air putih tuh di alam realiti selalunya mesti dia keluar dalam bentuk wet dream kan.

kira aku tidak menjalankan tanggunjawab terhadap nafsu cinta aku ah.

apa boleh buat. kalau itu nafsu seksual senang je jack, kasi itu tangan itu genggam itu gerak gerak gerak itu keluar keluar keluar sudah, itu kasi basuh, itu kalau tak puas lagi buat lagi.

memang lah tak se chare the real thing kan, tapi still ada outlet lah bak kata orang, untuk melepaskannya, kan kan kan. kalau cinta nih pulak, mana boleh senang senang ngusap sana sini buleh puas.

tetapi ada grey area pada semua nih. kalau seks ada fuck buddy, mungkin jugak cinta ada love buddy. tapi dua dua lebih kurang sama je, buleh membawa masalah. itu fuck buddy kalau mau lebeh apa mau buat? kalau itu love buddy pun mau itu namanya commitment apa bleh bwat? buck buck buck.

susah susah. apapapapun. masih apa boleh bwat. kau usaplah dada kau puas puas, takdenye terlangsai hutang nafsu cinta. kau letak sabun kau letak lah lotion ke apa lah jenis lube sekalipun lalu kau usap usap lagi sekuat hati kau yang kau bleh, kasi lenjan itu usapan macamanapun, cinta cakap, tak dapat jack. kau kena ada the real madrid.

tapi tuh ah masalahnya kalau aku bercinta pulak, kang aku jiwang, bila aku jiwang maka jiwang lah jugak blog nih. sampai kalau aku baca balik macam some entry entry entry lama aku pun buleh naik menyampah tahap bumbung bangunan yang sangat tinggi. oh tidak tidak. aku rasa cam nak delete je. tapi takpe ah, kena mengadap jelah, kalau itu dulu engkau, maka dulu engkau tuh lah. biarlah, blog nih bukan buku, takde editor pelanchau, biar lah dia sangat bodoh dan sangat memalukan. bukan aku cakap buku tak boleh bodoh dan sangat memalukan, tapi blog dah tentu tak macam buku sedangkan buku boleh macam buku. lah apa aku cakap nih fuck. tapi tuh ah, apa nak buat. blog nih pun banyak evolusi, haha evolusi mana ada evolusi tukar tukar kaler je jap macam nih jap macam tuh jap cita ni tu ni ha mana mana di mana mana till 6 in the pagi.

macam aku tengah tunggu bola nih. padahal dulu salu cite bola. sekarang dah jarang. mungkin passion tuh dah tak segila dulu. tapi mungkin takkan hilang. macam wrestling passion dia buleh hilang sebab dia berlakon. bola mungkin aku calculate dalam 15% berlakon ah. so kalau hilang pun tak akan hilang 100% ah. sebab kalau ikut matematik mungkin hampir mustahil ah kan.


lazats kan?

ada tiga jenis makanan berbentuk yang aku paling suka kat dunia nih, potato, telur dengan ayam.

nasi pun buleh jugak, tapi nasik macam dah ruji, semua orang asia suka, kecuali yang poyo.

sambal memang sangat suka. kalau buleh memang setiap hari aku makan nasi dengan sambal dengan something else. memang aku buatpun sekarang nih lalz since aku duk lonely soreng sorengs. tapi takde ah tiap hari. tak larat nak berak kaler hitam everyday.

benda berbentuk sfera memang contagious. sebab dia macam apa ah susah nak explain. aku ada bola kecik nih. sambil tengok movie aku boleh layan baling baling dia sana sini kadang kadang dia datang balik kadang kadang dia tersangkut bawah katil pastuh aku rasa kekok. bila ada bola rasa macam nak buat something je kat bola tuh.
^inilah dia dilemma bodoh seorang virgin lalz.

*transform jadi orang yang tak loser

^tulah dia betul cakap kau, kalau virgin camtuh lah. kalau yang tak loser malah playa macam i nih, tak main ah bola sfera, kita main dua bola separuh sfera. ada paham?

*transform jadi penyangak balek

^ eleh kecoh ah.

.. /me menangis.

anyway.

/me tersedu-sedu

yelah yelah aku loser ARGKH.

tapi sebenarnya takde ah teruk sangat jadi loser, sebab takde pressure. orang tak expect apa. so bila kau buat bende betul sikit je, macam bende tuh di magnify kan sejuta kali orang cam leh impressed gila babi.

lagipun abang nih grunge beb. eh mana ada abang muda lagi nih. adik nih dulu grunge masa 90-an. nirvana je tak habes, group grunge lain tak kenal, sebab umur 13-14 mana kesah group group tak popular, kecuali maybe ugly kid joe atau green jelly, itupun popular time tuh.

dulu nirvana, sekarang pharcyde. dulu grunge sekarang loser rap.

gangsta rap pun dengar lah jugak kan, tapi nak relate macam susah lah kan, dengar jelah appreciate kesedapan.

she keeps on paaasssingg meeeeeeeeeee byyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

oh ye. nampak tak ramai rempit sekarang dressing cam hip hop 90's. hoodies besar, kasut but timbaland, kadang kadang seluar pun besar. wow. kagum aku melihatnya. walaupun mereka tak dengar gangstarr mahupun onyx. takpelah kan. dressing pun dah cukup sungguh lawa. lalz. hip hop sekarang ramai dressing cam lupe kanye ala metro ala gay ala ketat colourful. cuma abang abang yang masih dengar a tribe called quest je keje yang masih nak menggatal pakai baggy lagi nih. aku bukan abang abang aku adik duh. adik penyangak. ahaks. ape siak gelak ahaks. gelak camnih wahkugageakhgeakugea. baru ah aku. lalz.

lalzwoot?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

random (i was never random until now)

i watched this movie called win a date with tad hamilton or some title to that effect. lalz. eric 70's show was in it that was cool. the girl was cute. that's that. halfway through it i realized i've watched parts of it on tv and wanted to watch the whole movie but never did.

so basically my uh, subconcious deja-vu hitchhiked an impulse, and wallabangbang i've downloaded this movie. eric rulez-ah.

and of course i just had to download season 2 of i'm alan partridge. lalz all around. lalz lalz lalz. the funniest idiot evva. i mean his earlier faux talk show shit was funny but it wasn't as dope as this. it's fonnay.

and then. yeah this post is not random at all really. however in relation (which is another stroke of the betrayal of randomness) to that, i was wondering what would happen if some clown went to kl freeze, and instead of freezing like everybody else erm, what would he do ah?

well if he was japanese, he would wank and then cum on the face of a random lady. or take of their bras and panties. that rhymed, oh fuhreally maybe. that rhymed some more, oh save me.

anyway. yeah if that particular clown, just went around taking off the bras or panties of random freezing ladies. what would happen to the freeze? would the barenaked ladies compromise their freezings? i don't know.

or or or or would the particular freeze morph into a naked freeze, which could project another (if there was one in the first place) political statement, maybe animal rights or shit? yeah right, could be could be, carry on carry on, nudge nudge.

or would the freezers all team up and beat up that clown. either way it's fun you know. naked ladies beating up a japanese dude. wow, if there's a way for japanese humour to penetrate our market, this would be it.

i'm listening to cinematic orchestra right now, i have never really propahlee listened to them before. alltho that song with roots manuva, live, is bonkaz, dope and shit. i really digged that one, and heard a few more here and there. now i am propahlee listenin' to them aight. i just don't know what's wrong with my mind nowadays, i just downloaded 4 roots manuva albums to find one song i liked, maybe i'll delete the rest. or maybe not? is there another twist in this endeavour. we'll see.

the same with lupe fiasco. his album right, i only liked one song, paris, tokyo. which sounds like a tribe called quest. and he doesn't even listen to them, even fucked up the lyrics in a tribute concert. prompting nerd rappers everywhere including the asshole little brother dewd to start a witchhunt. i don't really like his voice that much, but it's that pretty boy voice that the ladies want right now. maybe next decade the ladies will like the ugly boy voice and i might stand a chance in hip hop. chicago mayne. wonder why so many nerd rappers come from chicago, ain't chicago one of the main mafia towns or something. or maybe cause it's a mafia town all the black dudes are not mafia and are just the normal population instead you know. could be could be, carry on.

try to read the next textz i'm textingz while listening to this (there's no link really, cause youtube is fucking up right now gitew, so if you have febians - penantian in your winamp you should listen to it, it's like post rock with a vocalist, nicey). (oh wait here's a link). do sing-along too.

so did anyone catch the hujan kena maki video?

oh yeah fucking idiot underground kids. first off hujan is not menstrim status-wise, they're independent, they're only menstrim reachance-wise maybe. like they're independent but has the pull of a mainstream artist with good marketing. and if the kids are bitching about them asking for a lotta money, that's just sad, they give you music you pay lah fucka, they get in a lotta crowd pay and shut up lah fucker.

and these underground fuckaz don't have no respect, so they deserved to be beaten up acting all underground and shit, see how underground you are in 10 years time, potential yuppie scummmmamuhbitch. even if it was nickelback performing and you know the sucky magnitude of their suckiness but the dudes are still human, for fuck's sake have some fucking respect, they're still fucking humans you fucking low-life fucking piece of shit no respect having fetus acting like you all that shit you fucking dirt fucking semen excrement of an insignificant amoeba fuck you. who the fuck are you to judge people that way you fucking you fucking see when you start a band and get middle fingers thrown like that at you i hope you get nightmares of that every night from now on until you become a yuppie. lalz why am i so mad. no reason. saje je takde kerja.

i should've established something first like all good writers. but i'm not one, and this is a crappy blog. so i'll establish something later. which is now, really. i'm not like a fanatic of hujan or anything. statistically speaking, i liked the song pagi yang gelap + kau pijak hatiku from the first ep, and akuscandal + empayar mu from the second ep. that's that it's good simple pop music, love it! so i'm not a fanatic and this is not a fanatical outburst, infact it's an outburst from a human to other humans who just happen to be idiots. these fucking underground idiots. okay i do know noh personally too tho i'm not close or anything and he's a nice dude, what are these rumours of him being an asshole. if you believe in rumours youze an asshole.

i did fall into this underground mentality once and regretted it. like butterfingers turun jb. and i haven't seem them since like lagoonpalooza which was before i got into uni in jb. but all the underground kids didn't go cos yeah mainstream right. but who gives a fuck right? who? some. who should? no one. so what if they're signed under emi they still make good music you fucking cultheads, you need to take the christmas tree out ya ass and enjoy life mufuckah. fucking cunts, fucking cunts is what yawll iz. and i fucking loved butterfingers like shit. butterfingers was all in my head before i go to sleep and after i wake up back in hostel. butterfingers is the shiznite. i should have gone. lalz. why was i such an idiot, see at least i realized i was an idiot, so i am not an idiot anymore, i have morphed into a genius anyway.

but the thing was, at least those underground dewds who are these stupid underground kids now's seniors had brains and instead of coming to ruin to the party, they just didn't join the party. i don't like george w. bush, if he gave a speech would i come and bitch about it while he's speaking and look like a dumbfucking idiot? yes the answer is no. even if you came to watch your bands, did you have to be in the crowd while a band which is not your favourite band is performing? no, right? i used to go to a lotta big gigs in kl earlier this decade. and of course there was a lotta bands i didn't specifically prefer, what did i do while they were playing? i sat down and watched, or just talked with the buddies, i don't go up there and start a fucking idiot rally or something. when the undergrounders hated oag, they left before oag played. they didn't stay. the ones who stayed enjoyed oag for what they are. that's how it should be, if you don't like it, fuck off, don't be a cunt to the performer and everybody else you fucking cunt.

i can see in the hujan video. and i wept seeing some actual hujan fans just looking at the assholes, they must be heartbroken. imagine what the performer themselves felt. you can be a cunt, you cunts? but be a cunt by yourself, yes diss hujan say fuck minstrem all you want at your own leisure, just lock yourself up in your closet and shout 'fuck minstrem' all night all you want, but once you start to be a cunt to other people? you should be beaten up with a big dildo made out of car parts.

oh and about this thing that has been going on for a while, the fucking homophobe issue? wtf? i don't have anything against homos cause most of them are cool, but there's a naggling (wut?) suspicioun that these whining homos might not be homos in the first place, maybe they're just posers. or maybe they are homos but are fucking stupid and ignorant. freedom of speech? why aren't you going propahly for the religious leaders? oh i get it you're like eminem, you pick on the little kids. ohhhh let's pick on moby shall we, or will smith, they're polite mufuckaz, ohhh. well fuck you eminem wannabees. fuck you and don't get turned on by my ass either cause i'm straight baby, you ain't havin' none-a this, yeah that's torture for you fags innit? that's torture innit? not getting to have some of this penyangak ass. i belong to the ladies baby. anyway where was i. err. yeah eminem wannabees, pickin' on the wiiiiiiiiiiidle kids, huh? you fucking bullies. yeah right, what are youz? fucking bullies. fuck dem whiny dykes and faggots (no diss for the cool homos). youz iz fucking bullies that's what yawll iz. you think you're bullied? no you're fucking bullies now and you deserved to be bullied fuck you fuck fy.

phew. anyway all of that wasn't me. that was just some random thing that hitchhiked an impulse of mine. i love to go on textual outburst (but that wasn't me, that was just some random thing that hitchhiked an impulse of mine), it soothes my mind and clears my shit up so i can wank in peace.

while listening to enya.

btw i really really really love the pharcyde.

watch me wank while enya is in the background here tho.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

demainnasteelahmehbrrakodamehstella

dua roti bakar dengan marjerin+kaya pun okay kot?

draft autosaved

oh 5:30 AM sekali lagi tak tidur tidur. bak kata pepatah 'sekali tak geti nak tidor awal maka berkali-kalilah akan jadi lagi'. cibai, everytime aku dah berbaring macam kona baring baek-nya kat atas katil tuh ada je bende jadi. usually bende yang menyebabkan aku kene pegi tandas dan cuci bahagian antara perut dan kaki lawlz. perlukah aku bukak lagi call of duty 4 yang sekarang nih sentiasa ditugaskan sebagai penawar kebosanan-ku instead of like say, a live real-life woman?! d'oh.

pagi-pagi nih letak lah kat winamp lagu sweet jane velvet underground, layan ye? daym. kalau tidur lambat sebab tenet dengan awek kat handphone takpe jugak adalah faedahnya dan obviously tak ah loser kan. argh losernya aku. nak kata muka tak hemsem salah pulak pasal ada lah iras iras seth rogen. tapi adik penyangak, seth rogen tak hemsem pon? argh you shadap.

tengok tuh cakap sorang-sorang. losernya. tengok tuh, komen penulisan diri sendiri, lagi lah loser. bosan lak lagu nih dah layan berbillion kali, sila tukar playlist shuffle tengok apa keluar, oh stir it up bob marley. boleh lah tuh, feeling doh.

perlukah aku pergi beli mee hoon ganja kejap lagi? entahlah. nak terkencing pun ada. boxers berlobang. lobang besar lak tuh. kalaulah rajin pagi-pagi drive pergi swimming pool layan berendam. kalau ada jacuzzi dalam bilik nih chare jugak, malangnya bilik aku ini pun dah memang saiz satu jacuzzi. kalau letak kipas kat lantai banyak-banyak, pasang kuat-kuat, pastuh isik air satu bilik, dah buleh jadik jacuzzi pun kan? kenapalah aku fikir-fikirkan bende macam nih. nak kata aku layan ganja tak, yang aku layan mee hoon ganja, ganja dalam istilah tuh hanya metafora sahaja. okay.

cuba tengok series of gambar nih, agak horror tapi klaka pun ada:
lawlz zomg iz trapz?

shiki no uta minmi. lalalalala kabuke bukake kakashi cum cum cum paradise.

cuba tengok gambar nih:
lawlz sangat seksi kan singa gunung ituh? kalau aku ada awek agaknya camtuh lah awek aku. sambil aku yang hodoh dengan hodoh-nya baring atas sofa. awek aku atas aku sambil buat muka sexy dan protektif. macam wahai betina-betina lain nampaknya jika berdekatan dengan penyangak-ku takkan kulepaskan kamu dengan mudah, malah ado kpalo yang nak kono puleh nih. padahal aku setia jeh.

f-jam adam f. tetapi, namun dan walaubagaimanapun, kalau aku adalah seekor racoon (atau apapapun binatang seperti ini gamaknya).

inilah kerja aku setiap malam~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







lupe fiasco - paris, tokyo (lagu nih layanz), spank rock - loose (lagu nih layan, club the fuck out). tetapi, namun dan walaubagaimanapun lagi, jikalau (dan sememangnya) aku manusiawi, apakah kerja-ku setiap malam?

sudah tentunya...............

random ramblings lolz as if i needed to mention that

i don't know if it's my attention span's decreasance or something else, i'm taking weeks to finish the first episode of the wire season 5. we're talking about the best tv series on tv evva here. granted, it is not the most accessible and fast paced of serieses, but i fucking love it (wow, that was 2006? time flew).

i guess it's because i haven't seen the wire in a while. the last time i started watching the wire i instantly went out and bought the rest of the seasons and finished it all in a matter of weeks.

but frankly, it took me a while to like it and eventually love it like fuck. slow burner shit. when i started watching season one i was asking why the fuck did i buy this in the first place, but after a few episodes it was cocaine-d into my system.

however, like i've said, it's a big gap between those days and season 5. after i ended season 4, there was even talk of no more, luckily they managed to squeeze one more.

oh well, i have to watch this no matter what. this is history right before our eyes. a current masterpiece. usually entertaining me would be achieved through old and established classic shits. not that many current shit could impress me too much. this is fucking history right now. this is fucking classic shit made in OUR times.

earlier, at night. i went to a shopping complex in boxers (no fuss needed, i have frequently frequented this place in kain pelekat before, i didn't think too many eyes were glaring and staring), supposed to play that futsal thingy but cancelled so went to cinema with cuzzez and watched an entirely, utterly, thoroughly crappy movie.

a bit dissapointed. it was forbidden kingdom. for fuck's sake it was jet li & jackie chan. does hollywood have to piss on our gong fu childhood time and time again. yet we can't blame dem that much, our fav legendary actors made the choice to be involved in bullshit.

how many times have we seen ugly goofy dumbfucked "brave" white dewds thrown into a culture not like their own and become a hero in that setting. wow. fuck you. the kid is irrelevant and undoubtedly dumb. he's not funny, he makes stupid decisions based on stupid white dewd emotions and should have been thrown out the scenario easily.

we're supposed to believe this dude makes people laugh? and deserves the love of kung fu masters?

please please please. ARGH.

there was one goot part tho, when jackie chan was supposedly summoning rain and rain pours. turns out it's jet li taking a piss. on some r. kelly shit yaw. LOLWOOT! one moment of comedic genius ala chow sing chee misplaced in a totally dull, irrelevant, phoned-in and templated movie.

i don't go to the cinema much. maybe once in a year. i can only recall the other last two times i went, weren't too memorable either. 300, GAY. transformers, HEADACHE and childhood nostalgia getting pissed on (optimus prime with a vampire from blade mouth wtd? soundwave in the form of a gay cd player wtf? jazz breakdancing and talking like a black wannabe white dewd instead of just a cool black dewd wtf? every bot looking like the same iron thrash wtf?). and no that wasn't a typo, 'wtd' meant 'what the dogshit' (alltho it wuz a typo but somehow my genius mind managed to make up something to make it seem not a typo. oh yes i'm a geniooz).

but this takes the cake, tho.

i should've watched rambo 4 when it came out. that would've been awesome. SNIPAH! HEADSHOT! ZOMG PWNT! RAMBO ON MOUNTED SUPER DOOPER MACHINE GUN! BRRRRRRAT BRAT BRAT BRAT ZOMG MOAR PWNIN! RAMBO ON THA CROSSBOW! ANCIENT WEAPON OWNAGE ROXORZ! RAMBO APPEARING FROM NOWHEAR PWNING VILLAIN! ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG.

i would've camed (cummed?) in the cinema and covered everyone there with my soya bean cum.

zomg i did really miss that heavenly paradiso syurgawi train.

GURAAKHGH.

GRKGKUGHH.

KUUKKUHGKHUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

sejak perkenalan kita

come to think of it, i don't have any lesbian friends at all!

now that's how you jump into a blog post without a proper introduction of what you're about to talk about. as if you fucks give a fuck anyway.

yes. none at all. maybe my best fren edah of australian descent and has forgotten us malaysians has experimented before but she is totally straight now right edah?

i don't think i can recall ever having a lesbian friend. wow. wut a bummer.

i have gay friends. infact even back in school i had one gay friend. he was proudly gay, or pondan. the upside to chillin' with him is there's always chicks around him, cause he is practically a chick anyway.

the apex of his gayness was this dewd he had a crush on. the dewd had a good boy face, and kinda looked like that x-files dude.

and the worst part of this crush was gay dude begged me to send this x-files dewd a love letter he/she wrote. wow. it was fucked up. i didn't remember whether i really sent it or not, maybe i did at the canteen. but that was just fucked up. i was a postman for a potential gay relationship.

i'm pretty sure x-files dewd was straight though, although he was jambu, he had that good boy shit going on. but he was a senior so he was probably an arsehole anyway.

talk about seniors. i used to have a big crush on this one chick who was prolly the beautifulest in my class. but for some reason she has this asshole senior for a pet brotha. the dewd thinks he's the coolest dewd in school. he's ugly you know. and he looks like a nerd. but for some alternate fucking universe reason he's my crush's pet brotha.

my crush is fucking beautiful you know? of all my crushes in my memory she was prolly the most prettiest. fuck fuck daym.

man this is fucked up. and i hated that smug ass fuckface dewd. infact my homies in the class hated that dude az well (they obviously had a secret crush on my crush as well, my crush was secret too anyway).

so two of mah homies devised this masterful plan.

once the teachers were all in a meeting so all classes were free to do whateva. and naturafuckingly the arsehole dewd will be checking up on his pet sistah (what the fuck is all this pet brotha pet sista bullshit, fuck that shit, anything for a fucking lay, anything these fucking humans (i'm pissed)). so while she's deep in a conversation with him, muthafuckah what would they be conversating about, that arsehole dewd was probably the most boringest poser asshole anyone could know, with his not-cool oh-i-think-i'm-cool laugh and that fuck nerd geek face. fuck you.

anyway.

so two of mah homies pretended to chase each other.

and strategically one of them would end up behind the arsehole dewd.

and the other one who's supposedly chasing will maki (curse the fuck outta) the otha homie.

i don't remember exactly what was said.

but i would imagine it went like WEH KAU PANTAT KAU SIAL KAU PUKI KAU KAU MEMANG PUKI KAU SIAL KAU PANTEK KAU BLA BLA BLA (FUCK YOU YOU'RE A CUNT YOU FUCKING CUNT CUNT CUNT PRICK PIECE OF SHIT CUNT).

so it was a clever way to let go of all this fuck-youness out on the arsehole fuckface dewd, cause the otha homie was behind him right, so it's like a cover, but in reality the homie was cursing at arsehole fuckface dewd.

and then they both ran back to the corner of the class where we all chilled. and we all had a good and loud high pitched laugh about it. while arsehole is oblivious to everything.

yeah take that you fucking nerd geek pet brotha cunt!

that'lll teach ya not to try and steal our crush (secret)!

back to the topic at hand. oh yeah. i don't have lesbian friends. i wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with a lesbo. hmm. any lesbos interested to be mah frenz?

Monday, April 14, 2008

analisis kehebatan lagu fiona (an analysis of the greatness of classic malay song 'fiona')

an absolute classic. the song that filled my lonely 11-year old days. i was soo into 4u2c i made sure i bought their drinks at least once every week. yes bitches they had their own drinks. if they weren't half rnb half rap (if you can call it that) and instead did super dope hardcore hip hop they could have been our very own wu tang clan. and guess where i got mah 4u2c album? i borrowed it from the indo maid next door, yes indo maids back then were hip and hip hop nahmeen?

to examine the awesomeness of this song, we will have to pay attention to its arrangement.

we start with the intro.

throughout the times, dialogue samples from movies have been used vastly in songs by various rap groups sometimes to indicate the direction of the song, sometimes just to make shit sound cool. like, again, wu tang, who used dialogue clips from old ass kung fu movies to signify their dangerousness. 4u2c took this tradition to another level, they made their own dialogue.

we cannot downplay the intent of this dialogue. it was the best setup for a song.

as this is a jiwa kacau or jiwa meruntuh (broken hearted) song. they must stamp a distinct impression of the guy singing who is joe 4u2c. the interchange starts with a few friends who run into joe, and the most memorable part is when one of them goes 'joe belanja a joeeeeeeeee' (joe please treat us to food), the part where that particular dewd stretches joe's name from joe to joeeeeeeeeeee hints that joe's friends depend on him as if he's their dad, and he is probably the most charitable dewd they know. because usually when you ask one of your friends to treat you food the mildest reaction you would get is at least the middle finger. but joe is not like that.

so now what do we know about joe so far? yes, he is kind hearted, giving, and caring. i mean for fuck's sake the moment his friends saw him the first thing they ask him is 'hey joe gi mana nie?' (where you going joe?) with a worried and concerned tone. everytime my friends saw me the first thing they do is try to go the other way, failing in which they will pretend to read smses on the phone trying their best to avoid me, failing that, they will ask me 'gi mana' with a brash uninterested tone. wow wutafrenz. and guess what's next? they see fiona and all of them point to her for joe. why? because joe is so nice a guy. if my friends saw fiona while talking to me knowing i like fiona they would okay fuck this you get the idea. joe is the nicest dude alive. now that has been cemented on the listener's mind what's next?

they had to give you an idea of what joe is like with the ladies. since it seems everybody knows joe likes fiona, it means joe is not ashamed of having a crush on one lady, that means he's a 'onegina' (term borrowed from that stand up comedian, meaning a monogamist of sorts). and if you've seen the video (youtube upstairs), you would know that fiona is butt ugly, therefore we can safely assume joe is not superficial, he looks for a good personality (well, apparently not, after that phone call, but that's not joe's fault really).

oh yes the phone call? just listen to how polite joe is, he is too polite. and more proof of how much people like him. how polite the dude answering the phone is to joe, his delivery was perfectly-worded too. i would assume this dude is fiona's little brother. you know how assholic little brothers are, this one surely is, but not to joe. cause joe is an angel. after learning that fiona has gone out with farid, joe goes softly 'ok takpelah ye' (it's okay then), wow, he has the patience of a camel. if i had learned fiona was going out with farid. i would've gotten really pissed, the first thing to come out of mah mouth would've been 'piss shit cunt.. ok takpelah ye'. and i would delete all 'farid's from my phonebook. regardless of the fact that most farids are good guys, but this is 2008, this was a 'farid' from the 90's. 90's farids are assholes. i would assume this dreaded 'farid' is a mat smart. the typa guy who combs his hair propah, tucks in his shirt, and rides mountain bikes instead of the badass bmx.

now it has been supah propahly established to the listeners that joe is a male version of mother theresa so they can truly enjoy this song and emphatize with joe who will be singing beautifully, too.

then we begin the 'musical' part of the song with a classic guitar solo and a synthesizing build-up as a metaphor to joe's melting heart.

joe begins the song declaring that the rhythm of this love song is straight from his loving heart for fiona (despite how ugly she is).

joe is soo nice, he would be content with just a drop of fiona's love to satisfy his thirst for her. pure modesty. they say modesty is the best policy. well joe is the best policer.

then starts the chorus.

a classically executed one.

with two groups singing different lines that sound so good together. what does this mean? that joe's homies will kill farid from two different angles if needed. they would do anything for joe. these gangbangers will drive by farid from two sides of the road for joe. normally gangbangers will only take up one side, but this is joe we're talking about here. he is the ghetto angel, he is sivaji the boss. homies will kiss his feet before going home to kiss their wives on the lips.

another viewpoint we could take is that his homies would throw their best words all around fiona just to get her to fall in love with joe. would your homies do that? of course they would, before fucking her on your birthday, in your car they borrowed and promised to fill up with gas afterwards (they won't). nothing doing for joe though, joe is the sweetness of sugar and honey. without joe there would be no cadbury's and coke.

if you've seen the video you would notice the trademark dance. the slow whatever you call it to the side to the front whatever. this is the true mark of an effective pop song, a dance attached to it. but when you think about it, how many slow songs have a trademark dance attached to it? this further establishes the fact that joe was dropped straight from heaven. and the fall didn't affect his face one bit, it's still as handsome and innocent as johny depp as a baby.

sigh.

anyway i just ran out of ideas, lemme just get to the point.

joe is a metaphor for me. and the 'me' that i use to compare with joe is not me 'me'. it's a metaphor for someone else who's a loser.

so ladies, you know what to do. my number is seven three uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

cawl me yaw.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

fifteen is a magical number

if this entry sucks, it's thinker bell's fault. she (or he) incited/inspired the idea.

erm.

my first wank was when i was 15. and incidentally was also the first evidence of my akil balighness (puberty/manhoodiness). i mean usually dewds get it from wet dreams but i don't think i've had wet dreams before i was 15. and like i might've gotten some cum on me whenever i woke up but have always thought it was sweat. yeah, ladies you're gonna love this entry. it's gonna be legen wait for it wait for it .....DARRR-RYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

what was the cause of it. oh yeah, strip poker.

before i continue we should go a bit further back for my porn history. my porn viewing started around 11 when me and a buncha school friends sneaked out and went back early from school after borrowing a tape from another friend who stole it from his uncle. we went back to one of my friend's house (line clear), this friend was coincidentally, our school's headmaster's son. and he ballsy-ly kept the tape in his schoolbag. lolwut.

after that i don't think i did watch much porn. but let me tell you the first time i watched that porn my dick hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt. it's like the dick is bonering out of the normal boner i would have. this was a new kind of boner. my dick totally outbonered its usual bonerism. and i had to lie face down on the carpet to soothe it. it was funny, but wow.

the next time i had more ponerisms was when i was 13 and i used to always chill at my friend's house after school. his parents had all kinds of porn hidden. well to put it simply most of my porn experience was caused by the porn collection of friend's parents, so can you see the social commentary in all this. lolwut.

sometimes accidental though, like when i was way younger, maybe 8 or 9. my uncle bought this movie thinking it was like conan the barbarian or something. turns out, he wasn't too wrong, but it was the soft porn version with topless amazon wimmin wearing fur underwears all around. lickadilly wut wut droolah.

anyway, for some reason through all this pornery there was no wank involved. i always act like i know what lanchap or tocheng is when friends are conversating but i didn't really know what it was/is and whether i should do it or not.

until one fateful day.

i had gotten a copy of the latest strip poker pc game from one of my geek friends. and being the computer geek that i was/am, i found out a way to skip all the poker-ing and just view all the nude pictures.

one lonely afternoon.

no one else in the house.

fingers started rubbing. wow what am i doing this feels good.

went into the room and picked up the blanket.

more rubbing.

ahh.

whaghkeakhgeaukga.

what is this feeling. wow.

out come the wolves. i meant the cum.

uh yeah baby. i'm in love.

what should i do with it.

maybe scrape and put it in a jar on my study desk.

and if the parents ask just say it's a science experiment.

no too risky. plus these were school kid days. fuck it i was even afraid my parents would find out i have a nirvana videotape. i hid it behind all my books.

so i figure out - this magical liquid is part of me and i could make more of it if i wanted too. right? right. so into the toilet then.

by the way i was glad i must say. because 15 is the deadline age for manhoodiness. if i didn't have cum coming out after 15 i could've transformed into a lady. thankfully, i didn't. oh bless you strip poker.

that's the end of that. i hope you ladies have a good time reading it. so that if we ever date you don't have to start a conversation with 'so when was your first wank?', cause you already know. instead, you can start the conversation with 'would you like me to wank you?'. just kidding. actually, no. please. pleaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

baby got back

I don't know if I have storied this tale yet, but that's how it is with reality, you always tell your friends the same story twice, or thrice, or fourthrice, prompting them to either listen cause they themselves forgot, pretend to listen cause they feel sorry for you and your loserness, or shout siaran ulangan!!!!!!!!!!! (repeat telecast).

regardless, I dunn care, dunny, haha.

this is a coming of age epic.

I was about 13 or 14 going back home from school in a school bus. tired and weak for some reason (ignoring teachers and making noise when teachers cancel class can be consuming). half-asleep. I was lucky I got a seat though, backseat as usual. cause in this bus if you get in late sometimes you have to stand up.

I had pictured what I would do the moment I reach home. Skip lunch. Head straight to the bed, sleep the day away. And wake up fresh just in time for the sitcoms on channel 5 (singaporean channel, I lived in the dirty south back then).

and so the bus stopped roughly opposite my house. I walked slowly out. And suddenly *tring* I felt a slight tingle and I was never more awake in my life (exaggeration).

it wasn't until I crossed the road that I was met with a full realization of what had happened. yes if you've guessed it, while I was slowly making my way through the bus and through some standing passengers my dick had grazed the ass of a particular girl who was standing facing the window. well not simply graze, I could feel my dick go through the right cheek, the valley, then the left cheeck. but because I was really sleepy it didn't really hit me instantly but a few seconds later after I was awoken from half-slumber.

so now i'm wide awake, still walking, i can't stop or ish, i must pretend as if nothing has happened. now i'm fully awake, i'll be having lunch, watching sitcom reruns instead on channel 5, going out to play football with the homies, and on the way home buy those homemade ice cream from this particular home which i will pass by in the back alley i use to go back.

there you have it gentleladies and men, my first 'doggy style'.

pity i hadn't learnt how to wank yet. but you, youuuuuuuuuuu, believe me, that particular moment, i learnt the power of a woman's soft but firm backside.

wakuhgeauhkgawahukga. shit.

ninja cat #2

is so sombong. he/she will appear out of nowhere while i'm outside and look at me. and then dissapear. of course i know that look. my hometown has like, 70 cats and i know that look homie. that can i has friskies look (the brand i bought was whiskas though, what's the difference really?).

is a mystery. is he/she a stray cat or someone else's, i'm still curious. if ninja cat is someone else's, then that particular someone else must really be neglecting him/her, like hellooo your cat is chilling in my lounge, eatin' mah whiskases? you're not doing your job as a pet owner, duh. i'm not familiar with stray cats, are they friendly or not? cause ninja cat surely isn't. those stray cats in restaurants, they surely are friendly. they will purr they asses off. you will ignore them. they will go somewhere else. they will come back. they will purr they asses off.

you give them leftover chicken.

that'll shut you up.

they shut up and eat. nom nom nom.

they go somewhere else.

they come back.

they purr they asses off.

again.

ergh.

you give them a whole piece of chicken.

they shut up and eat. nom nom nom. they go somewhere else. they come back. they purr they asses off.

you go to chilli's and get a set meal.

you come back.

you give them it.

they thank you and leave.

ergh.

yes they don't have no shame. of course. why should they. these are ghetto cats. have you ever met a shy and reserved rempit with minimal vocal decibel levels?

only if that'll get 'em pussy for the night. only. you get mah point.

maybe ninja cat IS a ninja cat. kinda like a samurai kinda. like an out of job ninja. he/she used to be a recon spy for barisan nasional.

when i registered as part of the last election's barisan nasional workforce. the powers that be weren't sure of which side i'm on so they sent a recon cat to spy on me. so basically what this cat would do is.......... spy on me. duh obvious.

and then BN lost selangor. and kl too of course. so recon cat is out of work.

recon cat is a masterless ninja.

ninja cat.

ninja cat must survive.

ninja cat must use his/her most treasured trick.

the i - appear - and- give - penyangak- 'i can has friskies? :/' - look - then - dissapear - then - appear - again - when - food - is - poured - out trick.

no smoke is needed.

just the underbelly of a car. since penyangak is too gemuk to see down the car. ninja cat just hides under it and penyangak's limited reach of vision is cleverly exploited.

from under the car, ninja cat will observe the fiendish orange plate which might or might not be blessed with the crackle of brown thingies normal people call cat food but penyangak calls things that cost money.

as food is dropped from the box of spellbinding catty things.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

ninja cat lives another day with a full stomach.

but the strife will never cease.

every day is a multitude of multilongings ninja cat.

penyangak wishes he could turn into a ninja cat so that he could SKODENG.

mm SKODENG.

SKODENG.

nice word.

good night.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

more shit i'm watching

How I Met Your Mother
oh yes i have the capacity to watch shit that came out after 2004 as well aight. haha. this shit is not bad, i'm nearly finished with season 1. granted, the main character is a smoldering piece of shit of annoyance and assholeness. sucks major ass. nearly every episode we have to watch his ass get into dilemmas over dilemmas and are we supposed to feel sorry for him? I do feel sorry for him. I feel sorry that I am not in New York to put him out of his misery.

doogie howser is dope as fuck! say whuuuuuuuut? freeze-frame high five!

i think this character suits him best. a suit who is cool as fuck. kinda like ari(from entourage)-lite in terms of behaviour but vincent(from entourage) in terms of sex life. he just holds this series togetha. the dude from freaks and geeks and his gf is cool too. he's partly why i'm watching this shit. there's 2 geeks from freaks and geeks cameo too. and not forgetting all the hot chicks that doogie howser brings to the plate all the time and dumbass main character keeps on fucking upping.

and my love of course. my love? who? what? neva heard of her?



SCHERBATSKY!

isn't she the cutest. isn't she fucking gorgeosus (how do u spell that?)?!?!?! she is right?! right?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she is so adorable. and her name is the sexiest. imagine making sweet humpy love to her and shouting SCHERBATSKY! oh scherbatsky! yeah scherbatsky! INCOMINGGGGGGGGGGGG.

she's just too superb, she reminds me of that bartender chick in early seasons of Becker. HUMPH.

how the fuck she is thrown into the scenario of having sexual/emotional tensions with the dumbfuck main character is BEYOND ME. ergh.

she should be having major sexual tensions with doogie howser, even though he's gay, but who cares, gays still have dicks. i mean shit. i hate that main character, whoever his name is. every other character in the series is cool. and doogie howser and scherbatstky definitely make me go for more episodes even though this ain't one of the better sitcoms i've seen.

oh scherbatstky.

daym.

i can't stand beautiful women. oh scherbatstky tv crush! did i say i can't stand beautiful women. whenever i see them on television i bite my knuckles and punch a dumbbell (by accident). i know i could never have them and in reality nearly all beautiful women are worthless. but yeah, can't stand them, still they're beautiful. maybe all the good wimmin will look like that in heaven and they'll all be mah hoes right? oh God please.

Aight i'm gonna go out and get some food and just enjoy this dope ass city we all live in. Toodles. Okay what the fuck was that penyangak? toodles? you kidding me? oh drop it i'm in love with a tv character will you give me a break you cunt. okay.

sambungan...

sudah pukul 9:50 malam sabtu. sudah tentu cerita yang start pagi tadi dah habis kan? dah tentu aku buleh sambung kan? maka aku sambungkan lah di sini tuan-tuan dan puan-puan.

aku start enjin kereta kan?

aku lenjan baiknya dalam gear neutral kasi bunyik jregnggggggggggg.

hati aku dah nekad.

tangan aku urat semua dah keluar dan merentasi segala lemak yang wujud dalam kulit aku.

aku genggam kuat kuat.

kalau kita marah kita rasa macam menggigil kan macam gila babi nye menggigil, aku macam tengah bogel kat kutub utara sekarang nih.

mata aku dah tak merah lagi dah, dah warna biru, kan api yang paling panas warna biru.

api berwarna biru berbentuk 666 terpancar dari anak mata aku kan.

aku tekan minyak lagi.

aku tekan dan tekan.

macam batman yang nak keluar dari batcave nih.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

vroooooooooooooooooooooomm.



...........cibai.

anyway haha. sorry puan ectopy kerana menyangka yang cerita bodoh ini suatu fiksyen. jikalau anda mengenali diri saya maka anda haruslah mengetahui yang saya sudah hampir 5 tahun tidak berdating. bukan jual mahal tapi takde nak beli.

lagipun apalah aku buleh buat kalau aku dating dengan perempuan pon. kau cakap dengan orang yang penah bawak awek tengok bola pastuh layan tengok lumba drag haram, oh awek tuh sungguh bosan dan menyumpah seranah dalam hati doh, tapi aku tak perasan sebab aku lelaki yang ignorant. lagi terok aku pernah bawak awek tunjuk dia tempat aku first jumpa awek aku yang sebelum itu. kalau ada wujud golongan hopeless romantics aku nye application akan direject dan diaorang akan refer aku kepada golongan hapless romantics. yang akan tendang aku jugak dan di refer kepada golongan hapless hopelesses.

cuma dengan sorang je dating aku menjadi, dengan tangan aku. all night long baby.

weekend nih. apa aku buat kat sini mengarut sorang sorang. argh. aku kene keluar gi mamak lepak. nantilah doh. argh.

nih asik duk lepak rumah download lagu lagu rock melayu dengan 4u2c. oh darling i miss u kembali padaaaaku. sambil tengok how i met your mother kekadang. next entry plz.

sedang aku berkelana, pahit manis aku rindu, hingga aku diaasyikkan sejuta mimpii, sebuah mahligaiii impiaaannn, akan kuturutiii walaupun aaakuuuuuuuu

oh aku bangun awal pagi tadi. pukul 4 pagi. aku lepak dengan internet kejap sampai 6 pagi, lepas tuh aku makan satu elai daging ayam dan satu elai daging daging (lembu), dua-duanya jenis lean, dicampur dengan sos + baked bean.

kenapa aku makan? sebab aku lapar. tak relevan kalau aku cakap sebab nafsu makan aku tinggi, sebab ianya sentiasa tinggi. macam nafsu buas seksual jugak. doh.

hari nih sabtu doh. aku ada date arini. dengan perempuan (memang lah perempuan doh sejak bila kau homo) nama dia gavina. everytime dia lalu depan laki-laki, laki-laki cakap "wow dik tak cukup kain ke?".

apa agaknya aku nak buat untuk impress dia eh? takkan movie + dinner je, tuh terlalu standard untuk dia, dia tak suka standard, dia suka oter oter, tapi barang dia semua tulin eh, harap maklum. dia perempuan bandar sophisticated babe tapi bukan sophisticated thug macam ras kass. setakat movie takde punyalah, dia tak layan, dia layan bende bende macam art gallery, theater, book sales - semua bende bende yang rempit macam aku tak layan. malah aku kutuk orang orang yang layan bende camtuh. sampailah hari nih bila aku kene date orang yang layan bende camtuh. oh sungguh tak layan keadaan nih.

tapi kene layan pasal awek paling hot gitu loh.

camna aku nak biken nih? oh masalah masalah. oh mama saya mahu kawin. bole bolelah.

aku kens buat sesuatu yang whimsical, bak kata omputih.

tiba tiba phone aku bunyik oh ada sms rupenyers.

'awk dh bgn lm sy hlf dy hr ni awk tk o9 ker lolwut'

asallah perempuens suka pakai short forms melampau dalam sms abang tak faham dik oi intan payung baju hujan dsb. lalu aku reply:

'wtf?'

lepas tuh tunggu lama sikit baru dia reply balik:

'nth jst rmmbr tdy oky bye'

'handphone kau ada tiga butang je ke untuk huruf cibai?"

'eh nih saper?'

'penyangak'

'sorry wrong number'


ler wrong number gupenye aku pulak bodoh tak tengok nama siapa kat sms tuh main bedal je sangka ituh dia penawar hatiku. lagipun bila masa dia sms dalam bahasa bm. aku masih lalok nih sebab amek ubat batuk banyak sangat. aku ketuk kepala aku sikit dengan cpu pastuh aku spray febreze kat tekak aku. nafas kasi segar sikit yah.

aku lepak jap atas katil. tengah pikir nak lancap ke tak. pasang koleksi 3gp, tak stim pulak. bilalah lagi artis nak kantoi 3gp. biarlah lookalike pun takpe cam ida nerina. apa salahnya. anggap je tuh artis sebenar. aku nak tengok ziana zain T_T (menangis gumbira). daym nilla. pergh. wau tiba tiba bila terfikir pasal tuh terstim lak. aku teros..................

tengah nak mencapai puncak sms pulak berbunyi.

kali nih betul daripada si dia.

'don't forget our date today okay dear?"

oh dia panggil aku dear. oh cairnya hati, cair bagaikan condensed milk. condensed milk kalau letak atas jelly memang chare. tapi jangan ah salah sangka eh, aku nye cecair tak condensed, susu pekat manis eh, tolong sket, kosser.

reply 'yes'.

pastuh cepat cepat sambung balik ................... sebelum si dia yang lagi satu merajuk dan hilang mood.

lepak lagi. pilih baju apa nak pakai. itupun belum decide nak bawak dia mana nak buat apa semua. takpe baju lagi penting. hari nih takleh merempit, kena style, kene elegance. kena pakai khakis, t-shirt kaler bright, kasut pun kene gentleman. ok settle.

sekarang fikir nak bawak dia mana.

korang agak dia layan zoo negara tak? haha memang idea bodoh. teringat cerita member aku yang protect awek dia daripada burung yang tiba tiba menyerang di taman burung. maka selama sebulanlah insiden itu menjadi sumber kutukan kami buatnya. thoughtful kan? tak kot, dahlah panas, sabtu lak tuh. tableh blah.

kalau taman tasik lak dia layan tak? eh apa aku cakap nih. baru korang tahu aku nih memang takde idea yang bagus untuk dating sebab tuh lah takde perempuan suka aku walaupun aku hemsem macam lembu (kecuali sidia lah). tapi aku tahu korang mesti cam tertanya-tanya aku pernah 'do' dia tak. oh tidak, tidak, walaupun aku remps tapi aku sopan-santun, aku tak kesitu lagi. walaupun perempuan sophisticated nih biasanya 'lobos' atau bahasa lebih simple 'longgar' aku masih respek, lagipun takkan sebab dia perempuan sophisticated je aku nak sedap sedap assume dia lobos, oh tidak, tidak, aku tak se kampung itu.

kalau lah ada date consultancy services kan. kau call. kau cakap awek kau nih camna semua, pastuh dia bagi idea nak bawak mana buat apa semua. gila kau, tak semua laki tahu je apa nak buat dan cakap macam dalam romantic comedy.

masa aku mula mula jumpa dia takde de dialog yang camnih:
'hi' <---- aku start
'hi'
'nice handbag *wink*'
'thanks i didn't know men look at handbags, are you gay?'
'if that's what it takes to build a bridge to your heart, i'm elton john and george michael combined'
'aww you're so sweet and charming'
'so are you free this saturday?'


tidak, sesungguhnya tidak, sebaliknya dialog yang sebenar beginih:
'bang kasi goreng pisang dua ringgit, dengan karipap seringgit, berapa semua?'
'tiga ringgit lah bahalol tak geti kira?'
'hee hee hee (gelak comel) sorry my mind wandering somewhere else'
'aku tak faham inggeris sayang'
'hee hee hee (gelak comel) sorry lagih, ok nah lima ringgit'
'kalau kau tak kasi nombor telefon kau dua ringgit duit lebih nih aku punya'
'hee hee hee (gelak comel) yelah, nombor saya 011.......'
'ok aku misscall kau, kau jangan nak tipu aku'
'saya tak tipu lah'
*kring*kring*
'ok kau tak tipu, tuh nombor aku, simpan, letak kat phonebook nama 'abang hamsem''
'tapi tak hensem pun'
'kau nak aku baling kau dalam kuali goreng pisang nih?'
'hee hee hee (gelak comel) hensem hensem'
'dah dah abang misai tuh dah merah padam bengang tunggu nak beli apam balik, lapar kot baru balik keje, berambos lah kau ye'
'bye, call tau'


romantik? tak? eh aku pedulik apa yang penting itu nombor sudah dapat apa lagi mau diperbungakan? layan sudah.

wah ada dalam 1 jam lagi nih. kena mandi.

aku capai anduk (chewah bahasa) lalu teros gerak ke bilik airs. layan berak jap. macam macam aku terfikir. kalau aku dengan dia terputik cinta sejati. wah memang chare. aku bawak dia jumpa orang tua, orang tua pun approve semua. kita pergi holiday sesama gi langkawi intai orang putih topless mabuk. oh aku dan dia exchange kata kata chenta macam rhumi dan juli. aku peluk dia dari belakang sambil kiterang baring atas pasir kat port dickson, sambil gelak gelak sebab tengah cadang cadang nama nama anak anak nanti. 'darling i want to name our baby dollah lah', 'kau ingat nih team bola selangor keh' 'huhu joking, kalau perempuan nak namakan apa?', 'rihanna', 'hee hee hee (gelak manja) terok lah you nih', 'eh serious lah okay apa?', lepas tuh kitorang gelak gelak sambil music jiwang masuk sebab malas nak fikir dialog, selalu macam tuh kan dalam movie romantik. bayangkan aku dengan dia kat dapur bersama-sama memasak untuk sesama sendiri, lepas tuh semuanya jadi hangus dan tak jadik pastuh akhirnya kami cuma order pizza sambil dua dua senyum kepada masing masing oh sungguh bahagia. bayangkan aku dan dia berjalan-jalan di kota pastuh laki laki rempit nih asik usha pekat dia aku pun bengang pastuh aku daring balik, lepas tuh dia rasa macam aku comel sebab aku jealous pastuh dia senyum lalu cium pipi aku 'sweet lah u nih sayang'. bayangkan dia bawak aku pergi kawan-kawan dia yang sungguh sophisticated pastuh aku cam malu malu pastuh kawan kawan dia sakat aku semua pastuh diaorang rasa aku nih cam comel sebab aku segan segan kucing semua walaupun muka macho bagaikan m. nasir. bayangkan aku nyanyi karaoke untuk dia sambil menari nari bodoh dan tukar style baju macam orang bodoh macam dalam filem filem korea dan dia tepuk gembira oh chumelnyer. bahagianya. flush. mandi. habis.

capai tuala masuk bilik nak tukar baju.

masih lagi tak tahu nak buat apa dengan dia sabtu nih.

erm.

check handphone.

eh ada sms. nih mesti time aku mandi tadi.

'sorry i couldn't make it today dear'

reply.

'zomg kenapa?'

pakai baju. tiba tiba hati rasa drop. tapi pakai gak baju dating sebab aku optimistik. kalau setakat dia kena pegi office kejap ada kerja tak settle ke aku leh tunggu kejap (ini aku expect sebab dia dah cakap awal awal kekadang sabtu dia kene panggil ke office dua-tiga jam). aku faham lah, bukannya nih hari ahad, maybe kalau tak dapat arinih leh tukar esok. hmm. shit. terkilan jugak.

*tetet tetet tetet* (bunyik ringtone sms ah duh)

'there's this guy in office i have had a crush on since like forever, he asked me out today, i'm sorry, maybe next time, dear?'

dear kepala pantek ekau. ado bersepai kpalo arini. next time kepala kau kau ingat aku nih apa gro.

ini bukan kena pergi office kejap sebab ada kerja tak settle, ini ada kerja dari office yang nak settle kan dia.

aku tahu apa aku nak buat sabtu nih.

aku capai beg adidas aku yang berkulit keras.

aku isik dengan parang-parang aku.

aku zip.

aku pakai pagoda warna putih.

oh baby i wanna see his blood on my clothes.

saturday, bloody saturday.

aku start enjin kereta.

kalau sebelum nih dalam cd changer lagu The Ramones 'i wanna be your boyfriend', kali nih Dwarves 'i wanna kill your boyfriend'.

i wanna kill yewr boyyyyfreeeeennnddd, i wanna kill yowr maynnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, do u wanna deewwaaannceeeeeeee, rawgkh

aku pegang stering.

muka keras.

mata merah.

zero to hundred in 6.3 seconds.

bersambung............................................

Friday, April 04, 2008

aku kau panggil sayang dia kau panggil sayang

You know this soul classic by Lenny Williams - because i love you right? Dude is practically crying while singing. Here it is:


It kinda reminded me of my school days when I did listen to malay rock (can't escape this yo I live in a very malay world, maybe not so anymore but back then nahmean) and there was this one particular song where dude was at some parts was almost like crying while singing as well. I had to search youtube high and low for it since I don't remember the title although I was sure it was by Scoin but I wasn't that sure so I had to click on all the malay rock songs I know and I really can't recall the title cause all they titles sound the same. Cinta-cintaan? Rindu-rinduan? Rindu jadi kenangan, rindu jadi rinduan? Rindu jadi cinta, cinta jadi rindu? lalalalallaa cinta rindu kenang kasih syahdu pasrah mimpi bunga bla bla bla no yes? LOLw00t.

Anyway I think this is the one, so can we say this is the natural spin-off to Lenny Williams' classic?


OH YES WE CAN, bitch.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Lulalaulu

Dewds and dewdettes check this out right. Me was pickin' up a friend in a hilly neighbourhood right. It was raining and thundering right. Then I saw a badass right on a house on the hill right. I thought he was commiting suicide what with the height and lightning right. But he was just an old badass indo construction werker maybe tryna get sum renovs up for some upper middle class fam right. But forget about that right. He's actually pulling his dick out to the world and singing Judas Priest tunes while dangling his cock left and right, pissing on the trenches of humanity looking at the sky with his right fist pumping in the air to the rhythm of pure new wave of british heavy metal in his head. Rock on dewds! He roars.

And uh. Last time mah wallet had a beautiful colourful GILA-GILA REMAJA sticker on it. But it deteirotiated so I had to remove it. Now I have a new sticker. A more subtle one. GILA-GILA REMPIT! Rock on dewds!

this post is as long as my dick.. LOL april foolz mah dick is short lolwut? ............. T_T

When you sleep, a distinct or loud sound can wake you up right? What if I tell you this morning a lack of sound woke me up. Fuhreel dogg. It's like my air conditioner is old and it's noisy as fuck. So whenever I'm in slumber I'm kinda used to the rumblings. This morning around 11 the electricity went off and I woke straight up! It then went on again in an instance and like a robot I walked off to the house alarm cause if I don't enter some kind a number the alarm will usually go off. Some other neighbours with a more probably securer alarm system's alarms went off instantly.

I slowly went back to sleep.

At around 3 pm the electricity went off again and so did the air conditioner and that automatically prompted me to wake up. Again, like a robot I woke up and walked straight to the washing machine, hung some washed clothes outside, then fixed myself a healthy dose of instant indo mee goreng tom yam flavour, then poured out the catfood onto the catfood plate for ninja cat, like a robot.

That's life innit. No I don't have work right now, for some reason I haven't been called up yet.

Anyway, my streamyx is fucked up right now. I don't know why. And I don't feel like calling them up cause this particular streamyx line is not supposed to be up in the first place, it's supposed to be transferred to the line upstairs since I'm gonna be moving up there. These jokers eh. And they even claimed they moved the line already, as if we can't check it ourselves.

You jokers can't trick me I've worked under dem before I know all the bullshit. Technicians will make up all sorts of shit to say they've done shit. I blame the bosses really, they don't focus on actual service, to put it simply, they go for quantity over quality. I worked on the phone, technical helpdesk, and because of the bosses everyone is obsessed with making calls short and dismissing customers as much as possible.

Even I fall prey to this but sometimes I just won't give a fuck, if the customer is polite enough, I'll be helping them with problems I'm not supposed to. The most common is old chinese ladies, they are so propah and polite, but very very clueless. Like I spent nearly an hour helping this particular madam to attach pictures in her e-mail. Hahahaha. It was very hard to explain everything on the phone but I enjoyed it anyway. Don't get me wrong I'm not that helpful, if some assholes demand help I'll usually brush them off, don't waste mah fucking time bitch. I once gave a sermon to some dude for trying to tick me off cause his router is not working, I'm like yo if you use routers you have to be knowledgeable enough to handle it cause usually if the router is not werking it's your fucking fault. The dude thought he was in control at first bullying me and I'm being polite and all and then suddenly I just snapped and gave him a long sermon beautifully worded in perfect english, and he hanged up. HAHA BITCH PWNED.

Foreign callers are dope too sometimes. Some (only a few) of them are too racist and will start using terms like "you people", but most of them are really polite and will endlessly praise you if you do a good job. Some will even have a chat with you, I joked with an australian couple once about terrorism when they asked my name, I'm like I gave my name then went yeah I gotta be careful at airports and shit, bad joke really. The best was once the wife of the argentinian ambassador (I think judging by their address) called up and she had such a sexy south american accent, and again cause she was clueless and polite I helped her check out where her router is, the instructions I gave even prompted her at one point to crawl under the desk and I'm having a boner imagining her yeah you know. Anyway enough about this.

Where was I again?

Oh yeah streamyx is fucking up. So my regular playing of the first person shooter game COD4 is constantly distrupted. So I'm like fuck this I put on my r&b playlist on the foobar so as to fill the moments when I'm waiting for my streamyx connection to get back to stable mode.

You see playing COD4 - blowing heads off inciting genocides and shit while listening to r&b is not that ironic. Thing is there's not much difference between war and r&b.

While I'm shooting newbs and murdering they asses wif mah extra cool blue tiger sprayed AK-47 (I swear AK's are the coolest looking weapons)! I be like don't take it perrrsonallllllllllhuuuuuu (Monica - don't take it personal). And when I'm being an asshole and I kill my own dewds from the same team I be like tatatatak (smooth soul drum kicks in) yes I broke your ribs in twooo and I want the whole worrrlddd to know I'm sorrrrreeeeeyyyyy (The Delfonics - i'm sorry), tralalalalla you know that I loveeeee uuuu eh wait no haha no homo. Anyway when I kill enough fools and get to airstrike, and I call in a super doooper kewl dewd airstrike and genocide befells mah foes, and one by one they get consumed by the kewl dewd bombs BOOM BOOM BOOM I go oh beeelaaaaiiiannn jiiiiwaaaaaaaa (Innuendo - belaian jiwa).

And after the airstrike I get a helicopter. I call in mah airwolf dudes and they start machine gunning and missiling their way through the battlefield oooh FRAG AFTER FRAG I GETS! I wish it would never stop I go like lett'ss make it lassttt foreeevaahhhhhhh (Keith Sweat - make it last forever).

And then and then and then I brag and shit I go over the chatline and type in "ZOMG PWNT" I'm crazy and shit, I start shooting my AK-47 bullets up the air like an arab terrorist. I'm laughing and shit AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA ZOMG PWNT PWNT PWNT BOOYAKA BOOYAKA BOOYAKA. Wgheaukhgukeahgukeahukga. But because of my assholeness I didn't hear the clinging sound of a tin can dropping on the ground where I'm standing. That particular tin can is actually .. a frag grenade. BADABINGBANGBOOM! I get blown off. And as I watch my limbs fly away right before mah eyes I go..........

Ohhhhh welllll there'ssss still tomorrroowwww, ohhh wellll I'lll tryyy againnnnn (Boyz II Men - oh well).

Sigh.

..

So I've watched two movies that you could say typifies part of my childhood - rambo and twilight zone. Rambo 4 and The Mist. Well The Mist is not exactly a Twilight Zone spinoff or anything but it has the same premise and all, it's a Stephen King adaptation. It was pretty cool and all not too bad. Rambo 4 was badass as expected. I got goosebumps, and 8 boners in one boner when Rambo snuck up on the gook on the big gun right on time and started blowing up every shit. I liked sniper dude as well who made perfect headshots head asplodez! They should bring him back for the next one, he was cute too you know no homo. There should be a scene with him and John Rambo having a threesome with the religious chick. Hmm tasty like chickin.

I also watched Battle for Haditha. About a small genocide in Iraq. It seems on one hand you have the U.S. marines who have been guilty of killing innocent people. On the other you have the Al-Qaeda terrorists who are guilty of not giving a fuck about Iraqi lives and won't feel remorse sacrificing it to the Americans just to get more Iraqis on their side. Both of these jokers foreigners. So in the middle you have the actual Iraqis, who either join the terrorists to nobly fight for their countries and would and should actually feel guilty about innocent lives, or just wanna carry on living a normal life. This is a pretty even-handed movie with the feel of a documentary. It is after all made by Nick Broomfield.

Anyway check out this fanmade trailer of an imaginary CONTRA movie! Starring Sly Stallone and Arnold Scwahgaeafzer (most fittingly).

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

gagagaga

when i was a kid i took april fool literally and thought it ran for the whole month. at one point i was april fooling everyday for the whole of april.

when i was about 18 or 19 or something i learned that it was only for the 1st of april. and i was like "oh okay".