Monday, December 31, 2007

tak kelakar betol ah kau nih, macam lembu

After a good wank, sleepy, and right before I sleep. For some gotdamn reason, my brain recited this really really bad joke to me:

stranger: so 2008 is coming, what's your new year resolution?
me: same as last year
stranger: what was that then?
me: same as the year before it
stranger: ok, what was it?
me: same as the year before that one
stranger: what was it?
me: same as the year before that one too
stranger: it was?
me: same as.. (interrupted)
stranger: STFU! just fucking tell me what it is already!
me: actually.. it was 'nothing'
stranger: then why make a big deal about it with all the same as the year same as the year before bullshit you cunt!
me: cause I was tryna make something out of nothing
*stranger walks away

Funny? No? Okay?

Sunday, December 23, 2007

nasi goreng kampung + telur bungkus @ nasi kosong + telur bistik + ayam merah

kenapa bila nak berak bila dah dekat rumah dia jadi agak sangat nak berak. macam masa lepak semua tuh buleh tahan lagi tadehal. bila tgah bawak keta pastuh mata cam nampak rumah tiba tiba otak hantar signal melalui highway besar dari otak ke lubang buntut untuk mengurgensikan kekeluaran tahik. macam okay ah memang ah nak dekat semua tuh kan. tapi macam kat luar rumah gak lagi.

banyak bende tak lepas lagi.

nak kena bukak gate automatik. kena bukak pintu jap sebab cermin kereta nih cam tak lepas signal remote control tuh. pastuh lepas tuh kena parking elok elok, tahik tengah separa nak terkeluar concentration tak berapa bagos tapi kena park elok elok gak. lepas tuh kena amek semua barang dalam keta termasuk portable hard drive. kena kunci keta elok elok kang calar pasal jari tengah menggigil sebab tahik tuh macam geli geli kat bawah.

pastuh kena bukak pintu pulak oh shit.

lepas dah bukak pintu jangan ingat dah lepas, kena kunci balik elok elok, ada dua pintu. pintu kayu dengan pintu grill.

lepas tuh okay dah kira lepas.

boleh bukak seluar merata-rata. tapi kena ingat, ada portable hardrive dalam poket, tak leh main campak je macam nak main dengan pelacur, tak leh jack. kena letak elok elok.

on your mark, get set go lari ke tandas.

kena naekkan ke atas pulak tandas tuh nye cover.

oh shit taik dah nak keluar duduk cepat cepat.


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ekstasi.

Friday, December 21, 2007

after this day

I'm sitting here tryna get sumin' tah eat at what would be the mamak with the most smartass waiters.

customer: apa ada?
waiter: macam macam ada.

customer: air apa sedap?
waiter: semua air sedap.

Maybe it's the rain. Maybe it's having to wipe off rain water from the outdoor chairs and tables.

Maybe they're just being honest.

Cause for fuck's sake they do have a dope malay cook cooking malay/thai shit. I'm on that shit all the time yo. I found a goldmine in this neighbourhood mamak.

It's fucken dope, it touches my fucking soul, grabs it and squeezes all the funky spicy feelily juices for my body to devour.

What the fuck.

Yesterday was Eidul Adha. Animal slaughter for the malays. Holidays for the others. And hell for PETA. Wuhkaghehakukugea.

What do PETA fucks do for Eidul Adha. They can't straight disrespect a religion, but good god almighty they must be crying they anuses out. Every second of Eidul Adha, a spark of implosion is ignited in the arteries of PETA mufuckuz. Their hearts bleed, their minds electrocuted constantly. Seizures of anger and disbelief dominate this population of arseholes.

I'm clearly bored.

Like I was during the generic government-written khutbah. I can't even begin to hide my bored as fuck face. And yeah icing on the cake - some governmental propaganda dissing bersih and maybe even hindraf rallies was put in for good measure. The term "plight of Islam" was streamlined with the government. Every Muslim ever, in order to fight for Islam, fight for this government. Yes, do that bitches. Do not fall into the trap of misguided Muslims who use the Zionist media to get what they want. The government is all that is Islam. Haha piss off. You disgust me. I don't even agree with those pointless rallies and I am pissed off like a perfumed racoon.

It does not help that the Imam is reading that shit with the same monotone of 'khutbah' that I've known for many years. My mind cannot take it anymore. Recently my mind has been cancelling out acceptance of a lot of things, including formal malay language. And that's what the khutbah was delivered in, to add salt to wound of course. ARGKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I was going crazy. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

This is what REFORMASI has given us. Now all Imams are fucking government drones. Reading speeches from the teleprompter of corrupt gonas.

Before this we had some really cool Imams.

Like this neighbourhood Imam once giving friday khutbah prayers. He had the most inappropriate brilliantly timed metaphorical sense of humour. Like he would use "road to wembley" as a term for skirts of chicks being opened. Wukhagheakuhgeukea. If you don't know what "road to wembley" is it's kinda like another name for FA Cup. Football yaknow.

I understand perfectly what he's doing. He's testing his listeners.

For some unknown reason, every Muslim doing Islamic things must have this KETAT (tight in a bad way) face. I don't understand why. So he's basically just fucking around with his listeners. There's a lot more anecdotes about him I just don't remember. Ergh. Haha. What a cool and badass Imam. That's dope.

Sadly, he must've either sold his soul to the corruptly arseholeycunt government ops I meant plight of Muslims everywhere in Malaysia, or is locked down in a secret prison superior to the ISA somewhere.

We must all burn the Malaysian flag and fuck the ashes with our wet cocks.

I hate yawll.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

drunk game

Today I'm older than I was.

Logically, it's a cause for misery and despair. But we're all humans, why the fuck would logic want anything to do with us. So we celebrate! I kept mine at a minimal. I slept till it was 12PM. Why 12PM? Cause someone really important woke me up, someone who has been here with me always, through "thick" and "thin". Mr bladder.

Woke up to the download of Pirates XXX still not complete by one file. But the download of Karate Kid is!

I watched Teen Wolf first though, I finished downloading that yesterday, fried some roti canai for an improper-something-to-chew-on-during-movie meal.

It's a childhood throwback. When I was a child we had a lot of tapes, but there were a few that I would always keep in the cupboard back then - Back To The Future, Karate Kid, Teen Wolf, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II. These weren't necessary classic movies, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II for example is one of the most fucked up sequel ever in the history of movies about animals that can survive in land and water mutated into semi human then taught the ways of a Japanese martial art. Especially when compared to the made-me-piss-my-eyes first movie. Daym that movie was emotional. Sob sob sob.

These tapes just happen to be there all the time. And I just happen to watch them over and over again when I was just a little kid. I know all the dialogues, and rhythm of its deliveries.

So after revisiting two movies from that particular spandex of nostalgia. What have I learned?

The heroines in those movies are mostly very decent looking wimmin with not much flesh to show. They're not too beautiful or too hot, just charming, you spend more time looking at they faces then they titties. However, remember the girlfriend of that alpha male token asshole dude in Teen Wolf? That blonde chick, yeah that was the shape of heroines to come, minus silicones.

Teen Wolf is basically total bullshit, it's totally bullcrap except the song played during the last scene. That shit is beautiful.

Karate Kid is not bad as a movie. It can make you piss your eyes if you're not careful. The premise might be as corny as my ass with corn sticking out of it, but the relationship between old japanese dude and young italian american dude is quite nice. Also the token male asshole is pretty cool cause at one point he wears a red jacket like MJ. When I was a kid, in my imaginations of saving girls from various situations which would lead to a kiss, I would always be wearing a red jacket. Red jackets are cool.

The song played during the tourney montage in Karate Kid is BADASS. One of the most badass songs to have ever surfaced in the anal surges of badassness in the most badass situation ever known to mankind i can has badass possible.

What did I learn back then and what do I think of it now?

80's pop music, in all its electronic corniness, is proper shit --- it still is. Stop trying to revive it arseholes. And no YOU'RE THE BEST AROUND does not count, it is so badass it transcends taste.

Japanese people are wise and funny --- Japanese people are kinky. Their women love to be fucked by octopi incarnates and worms before stretching their pussy to cover up a table sized object. All while their men are eating feces and fucking eye sockets of little girls in skirts. Albeit all that, I still think they're wise and funny.

White men can't dunk, werewolves can --- white men can't dunk, blacks can.

Friday, December 14, 2007

lawak adik edah di petang yang basah

adik edah: kau tgh buat apa?
aku: sentuh diri sendiri
adik edah: tak faham


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

and it will be tomorrow until she comes back home

Why are the most catchiest words considered taboos. Like the most popular 'fuck'.

And anotha one is 'cunt'. It's prolly cool to use it in the UK and OZ they use it more than they drink fucking beer. But in the U.S.A. 'cunt' is an extra offensive word.

Erm, why? It feels good to say cunt. It's catchy as fuck. Why ya gotta spoil it for all of us. Cunts. Sloppy wankah.

Anyway. I just did this post so I could point out how funny this is.

go here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

There's prolly many many more, I'm too lazy to think of more dirty words. Ugh who uses dirty words anyway. They're sooooooooooo lame. Duhh.

Mann. Either one fucked up day, one dude decides that he's gonna skip lunch and stay back in the office registering all dirty names he could think of in blogspot out of spite. Or blogger would only let one kind of layout be used for blogs with dirty worded titles, as punishment.

Yeah punishment. Nakal niiiiiihhhhhhh. Nak kena babap. Nak kena papap. Eh tuh lain cerite. Anyway, tonite's! puhleaseeee my whole crewmate's G'ssss, tonite's the night baby so blow up on me.

Monday, December 10, 2007

fuck you and peace

Hmm. Nice wank. Forgot who was my braincell companion.

Got up went to the toilet. Looked at the mirror.

Strange. Since when did I tatoo my tummy.

It's neatly done too. All black ink, shape of a small lizard.

I have never gotten drunk or high in my life. When did this happen.

Oh fuck it is a small lizard whaukuhkhkugea. Wiped dude off onto the floor.

Washed him away into the drain.

There, that's for giving me a mini shock. Join all the cockroaches I've banished down there.


On another separate trip to the loo I met who might be his uncle or sumin'.

I'm like yo, your nephew? *points to the big bottomless pit*. Yeah.

I'm all alone now.

Where are the females?

In my fucking mind.

Where should they really be?

In my fucking comforter.

Where should I be then?

In that very same comforter.

Is the 'should' happening?


When will it be happening?

When I get lucky.


Cause I'm a passive loser.


Fuck you.